AIBU to want DH to stay with me in hospital after I’ve given birth?

[Netball01]

I’m having an ELCS in a few weeks time & we’ve been told I’ll need to stay in overnight. DH is adamant that he will go home as there
is no point both of us getting a rubbish night’s sleep. Apparently everyone he knows has left their wives over night and they’ve been fine.

AIBU to put my foot down and insist he stays with me? I’m worried that after a c section I’ll be really sore and struggle picking baby up etc and I know these days the midwives are very stretched so can’t rely on them to help all night.

Just to add as I know partners staying overnight is controversial on here - everyone has their own private room at my hospital. Which is another reason I want him to stay as they’ll be no one around to help if the nurses aren’t answering the buzzers.

The vast majority of women don’t have a private room.

If every mother had their partners staying overnight wards would be full of men overnight. They’re not so one must assume most women are managing.

The vast majority of women I known had their partner stay with them overnight.

I assume they don’t choose to go into someone elses bedroom to sit with someone elses partner in that case.

No but it is full of posters saying husbands staying over is a necessity. Many, many women have to and do manage without that necessity.

Ah right, so it was like that in the past, so why bother improving things? It's no wonder we're still having issues with shit maternity care when women themselves seem to want to block improvements for other women. "I had to cope so you should too" springs to mind.

Perhaps if maternity wards were like they used to be and adequately staffed so that new mothers actually got the support they needed, they wouldn't feel the need to have overnight support. But they aren't and women are frequently ignored, belittled and left unsupported at a time when they feel very vulnerable. And that's not just anecdotes from on here, look at the enquiry results that came out last year.
When I was born, my mum was the only one in the recovery ward, with between 3 and 5 nurses. She was told to stay as long as she liked to establish bf, and slept while the nurses took care of me so she could nap. She stayed for a week and still talks about that time fondly. Of course she didn't need my dad there for anymore than visiting hours.

Besides, as has repeatedly been said, OP is in a private room, so won't be surrounding other women with her husband anyway.

You were lucky! I was in a private room due to having twins, the midwives did not answer the buzzer and I couldn’t get out of bed due to catheter and tubes. I couldn’t reach the babies and the only person looking after them was my husband. When I did get a midwife to ask about breastfeeding she would shove the baby on me and run away.

But that's irrelevant in this case

@Dukka1837 you describe your situation where your partner could not stay for reasons. That is not this discussion.

OP partner can stay but chooses to go home. I think that one action does define him as a father and a partner.

I got no overnight obs last year and neither did my baby twins

Or maybe more martyr like? What’s entitled about assistance after major obdominal surgery. I remember reading about a woman reading her stitches from hoovering which seemed peak martyrdom and stupidity to me.

Your “this generation” comment makes me think you probably accessed maternity in 80’s or 90’s. If you read this thread properly or the papers then you would know Thursdays there is little support and zero cosseting like you got on wards

Well, quite. It’s hard or it’s not. Or is it just hard when people who had children decades ago say it is 🤔

Why should other people’s random religious beliefs impact on the care l get after a major operation?!

I think he should stay. He will be in with you in your own room, he is being encouraged to stay by the hospital and you want him to stay. I suspect you are right in that he will be expected to give you a lot of assistance.

Also, start as you mean to go on. He should want to be an equal parent and to look after you when you have had major surgery. I would make some enquiries about what he will be provided with in terms of sleeping arrangements and food and bring whatever you both think is necessary to make it as comfortable as possible for him. If you change your mind on the day, its easier for him just to head home rather than stay with no supplies and no arrangements made for pets etc

Congrats on your imminent new arrival and I hope it all goes well.

Well quite the martyr story. I assume you think women who suffer post birth injuries and complications are just fussy and entitled too.

'This generation' really. From what I see in the news there are regular stories of the decline in maternity care.

For what is worth I was brought a cheese sandwhich the next day that arrived as I was being discharged.

Seems you also had the help of your mother, which is rather entitled of you

A fullish night then - that’s the most splitting hairs reply I thing I’ve ever seen in her.

He takes the night shift and goes home to sleep the next day, in essence.

If the OP is woken every now and then by people coming in to do obs that’s not the same as caring for the new born. Other people are saying few obs happen at night anyway, and as my youngest is 10 I don’t know how the land lies now.

Not reading -tearing!

You are not being unreasonable at all; you will just have had surgery, following 9 months of bodily stress. My husband was given a folding bed for our private room (in our case the private room was the norm at no cost, if one was free). He was so comfortable he slept soundly all night whereas I was awake holding the baby who cried if I set the child down. The nurse on duty was very gruff and insisted on no contact, despite me being catheterised and largely immobile. It sounds like the hospital expect him to provide support.

You’re not being unreasonable at all! I was completely exhausted, delirious and in a lot of pain after two days of labour which ended in an emergency c section. After the section, I could hardly move let alone walk, so I needed my husband with me. I couldn’t have pulled myself off the bed to lift the baby up without him. I struggled with that for a few days and I’m usually good with pain. I was also hallucinating from the drugs they gave me. A week later when I was at home, moving around far more despite the severe pain, my c section split open whilst I was breast feeding (he was a heavy baby). It took two weeks of going into hospital every morning with a new born, after not sleeping through the night, for it to start healing properly. So take all the help you can get to rest in those early days would be my advice. You have your own private room too so your husband can sleep on the chair or bring a blow up mattress. There is no need to be a martyr and he should be willing and able to look after you even if you’re both tired from lack of sleep. Best of luck.

To be honest, being on my own with my new baby was a really special time. I don’t think I slept anyway - just spent the whole night cuddling her & watching her whilst she slept. And working out how to change her nappy without her weeing everywhere!

I didn’t have any problems with pain or mobility after either of my CS - they give you plenty of painkillers in hospital anyway.

Entitled? Just to clarify, when my mother had me in the 80s she had no complications, no stitches, no problems. When I had my womb rupture, 4 litre blood loss, sepsis and ICU, I actually stayed in hospital for less time than she did! So if any generation is entitled it, it certainly isn't this one.

You asked for food to be delivered? With my second straightforward section I was up 6 hrs after my DD was born and going down the corridor to get my own food. How very entitled of you....

I think there is also a lot of difference in having a planned CS, to having an emergency CS after being in labour where you will already be exhausted. Also more shell shocked from the unexpected surgery. This is obviously going to impact how much physical & emotional support that someone needs.

The hypocrisy of the assertion that this generation are entitled when she had her bloody mum helping!!! When the reality is, far more women of this generation are working and juggling families. My DH and I both work FT and have never ever had a parent look after our children - not even for 5 mins. So with my second section my DH had to go home to look after our toddler - no such entitlement as having a parent to help!