Genuinely confused - kid + internet posting

[Stripyseason]

My DS is globally delayed - not significantly but enough to make him often act without thinking through possible consequences and that’s led to some hard times at secondary as you can imagine. But nothing I’ve not managed to help him through.

It all kicked off this week in a Snapchat (?) with lots of kids from his year and the year above. I think he knows most of them but not all. For some reason, he let 2 friends borrow his phone and one of them pulled up a picture of a girl in their year who had posted of her in a bikini on a recently holiday. My son isn’t sure but thinks the photo came from her Facebook which is open to all. Said “friends” posted the Picture on Snapchat with no comment but obviously this bikini picture was seen by many.

the girl‘s mum contacted school to complain and it took me about an hour of listening to understand all I’ve tried to summarise above (I’m an older mum in late 50’s and without sounding like I’m in the Archers I do find the online world of social media confusing). The head was nice and said she fully believes there was no malicious intent, but that my son should be careful in future about who he lets borrow his phone, and that provocative photos shouldn’t be shared without the person’s explicit consent. My son’s friends parents were also present as
they admitted from the start they posted it from my son’s phone, but they argued politely that the fact the girl chooses to have an open profile with lots of photos of her on the beach / going out / etc means they did nothing wrong posting it on Snapchat. I stayed quiet as frankly felt out my depth but apologised to the school and girl’s parents as did my son and assured them it won’t happen again. Have also had conversation with my son about not allowing friends/
peers to use his phone.

the problem is that his friend’s parents refused to apologise, said if they don’t want the girl in a bikini splashed around they should talk to her about her inappropriate content on open Facebook, and it all got heated, ending with the girl’s mum saying she was going to the police to report my son and his friends for explicitly posting illegal pictures of her daughter ☹️

i am terrified as this was done on my son’s phone. What should / can I do next? I feel utterly out of my depth and my son is terrified as didn’t even know it had happened until someone messaged him to ask why he’d done it. Any advice so welcome. Thank you. Not sure what my AIBU is, but don’t know where to post it as I’m not good with online forums either!

How is it an illegal picture?

Kids shouldn’t be on social media

kids shouldnt have unlimited access to the internet.

close his accounts, put parental locks and restrictions on his phone and don’t let him to it to bed with him.

let him know that having a smart phone is a privilege and it can be revoked at anytime and you as his parent have the right to access his phone at anytime as well.

you are his parent, not his friend. Don’t feel you have to tip toe around this.

I don’t know…it’s of her in a bikini, maybe illegal as it’s quite a revealing bikini and close up? But I know revealing bikinis are I think in fashion? Genuinly don’t know. Think the illegal part was to do with them reposting a provactive picture without the girl’s explicit permission?

He does have controls on it and I check it every day, he has barely
any contacts / groups on it as has only 2 friends and mainly uses to call me for a lift home if his mobility is hurting him that day.

And he definitely doesn’t take it to bed! Due to his development delays he’s in bed by
8pm with an audible book playing and his cuddly owl. He’s very young
for his age compared to his peers.

So be a responsible parent and don’t let your son with development delays have access to social media.

How old is he?

Reposting a clothed photo from facebook is maybe creepy/bullying but it isn't illegal.

Get rid of facebook, snapchat and whatsapp. He can text and call his friends.

He only has access to Snapchat, not even Facebook but apparently you can see : copy pictures from “open” Facebook accounts even if you’re not on it? or so the Head patiently explained to me as I couldn’t work out how a Facebook photo was on his phone as he’s not got an account (a sore issue for him as “everyone” else does but I’ve been strict about it with him. Snapchat he’s only used to meet up with his 2
friends to walk in to school together as they often get picked on if alone.

He is 13.

And again without sounding like a dinosaur Snapchat works for that due to being able to see location of his friends I think.,

She was definitely clothed but as I say, bikini was
very Revealing (in my personal opinion only).

You need to understand the social media your sons accessing, read about it and understand the features. You wouldn't give him medication without reading the label. Your son is young for his age and vulnerable. I hope this helps https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/online-safety-blog/is-snapchat-safe-for-my-child/

Op this sounds so upsetting for you and I do get that. I agree with what others have said, but I suspect in addition it's the girls parents who will also need to reflect on settings.

You say taken from an open Facebook, there you go. Photos of girls in bikinis are not a crime, as others have said.

Your correct focus is around your son and his friendships.

You have done more than enough re the photo by apology.

I have girls but all my nephews are boys and I have to say as hard as it sounds if the picture was on an open fb page I don't think the boys are needing to apologise to anyone but YOUR son for taking his phone

Anyway I didn’t really mean it to be a debate on social media accounts at secondary school, more what do I do / say next? I’m terrified of the police and actually don’t think the girl’s mum Would have threatened it had my son’s friends parents not refused to apologise to her and angered her by commenting on her daughter’s provocative content (I wanted the ground to swallow me up then)

He really really shouldn't have Snapchat.

It's not a great idea for a typical 13yo let alone a delayed one.

Hiya, my DC are younger and I teach much younger kids so I’m afraid I can’t offer much practical advice, but I wanted to say please don’t worry about repercussions from police, there was no illegal activity here. It sounds like the girls parents were angry and lashing out, when they’re calmer I doubt they’ll take it further. It also sounds like the school appreciate your son is emotionally on the younger side and most likely was an unwitting part in this. I would speak to the school and ask them to keep a closer eye on friendships to make sure he is happy and isn’t being manipulated into situations, and keep on reiterating the importance of internet safety to him. But really, it will all be ok, try not to worry too much - teenagers have wildly under developed frontal lobes, they do things all the time without thinking ahead to the consequences!

Remove Snapchat from his phone. It is the WORST app for bullying and drama as the posts can disappear with no trace. It's far worse than Facebook.

I did not allow my DS to use Snapchat at age 13. Be a parent.

Your son hasn’t done anything legally wrong.
Morally, potentially yes. But legally, no.

Snapchat isn't appropriate for a 13 year old.

What you do next is get rid of all the social media, and any apps that your do let your son have you need to really look into and understand.

I’m interested as all his peers have
had Facebook accounts, Tik tok? Instagram, other things for at least 2
years. I only allowed Snapchat as he can see the location of his 2
friends to walk in together as they do get picked on sadly. He doesn’t have any other friends on it ☹️or in his contacts, just mum, L and E.

Think logically.

If the picture is publicly available from the girl's FB account, either she herself is sharing an illegal image in the first place or the image is not illegal.

But you need to remove Snapchat. It is not a good app for someone who doesn't easily understand social media boundaries.

As I’ve said no apps other than Snapchat for reason above but I sound like a broken record!

The "don't post pictures online you don't want people to see/share" is good advice, but adults who copy "friends" pictures and then share them on other forums etc are still twits for doing it.
What complicates it is that these are all children involved. In which case the attitude of the other adults "she shouldn't post risqué pictures if she didn't want them shared" is really shitty because they are talking about a child.
Thei cchildren are also minors-and it's really poor parenting on their part not to set a better example.
And the other parents who were seemingly happy to let their own child post pictures they describe as illegal.
I don't think the police are likely to be something to worry about, but if possible I would guide your son towards different friends. Because even if they aren't so bad now (just foolish) their parents mean they are likely to get into further trouble and I wouldn't want my son involved with them. I know it's really hard though, especially when you worry about them having any friends.

My son does understand boundaries and that’s why he never used it for anything other than finding his friends or calling me to pick him up. The one boundary I didn’t think of it was telling him empirically to never let his 2 (and only) friends borrow his phone while he was in the loo ☹️

They need to find other methods of meeting up to walk to school rather than relying on Snapchat.