Genuinely confused - kid + internet posting

[Stripyseason]

My DS is globally delayed - not significantly but enough to make him often act without thinking through possible consequences and that’s led to some hard times at secondary as you can imagine. But nothing I’ve not managed to help him through.

It all kicked off this week in a Snapchat (?) with lots of kids from his year and the year above. I think he knows most of them but not all. For some reason, he let 2 friends borrow his phone and one of them pulled up a picture of a girl in their year who had posted of her in a bikini on a recently holiday. My son isn’t sure but thinks the photo came from her Facebook which is open to all. Said “friends” posted the Picture on Snapchat with no comment but obviously this bikini picture was seen by many.

the girl‘s mum contacted school to complain and it took me about an hour of listening to understand all I’ve tried to summarise above (I’m an older mum in late 50’s and without sounding like I’m in the Archers I do find the online world of social media confusing). The head was nice and said she fully believes there was no malicious intent, but that my son should be careful in future about who he lets borrow his phone, and that provocative photos shouldn’t be shared without the person’s explicit consent. My son’s friends parents were also present as
they admitted from the start they posted it from my son’s phone, but they argued politely that the fact the girl chooses to have an open profile with lots of photos of her on the beach / going out / etc means they did nothing wrong posting it on Snapchat. I stayed quiet as frankly felt out my depth but apologised to the school and girl’s parents as did my son and assured them it won’t happen again. Have also had conversation with my son about not allowing friends/
peers to use his phone.

the problem is that his friend’s parents refused to apologise, said if they don’t want the girl in a bikini splashed around they should talk to her about her inappropriate content on open Facebook, and it all got heated, ending with the girl’s mum saying she was going to the police to report my son and his friends for explicitly posting illegal pictures of her daughter ☹️

i am terrified as this was done on my son’s phone. What should / can I do next? I feel utterly out of my depth and my son is terrified as didn’t even know it had happened until someone messaged him to ask why he’d done it. Any advice so welcome. Thank you. Not sure what my AIBU is, but don’t know where to post it as I’m not good with online forums either!

Definitely not - he only has 2 friends on it and IRL. One of the parents said you can post on another chat by searching for it then exiting? I don’t know the exact details but when I went through his phone again last night it’s definitely just L&E and only uses it to locate them in morning.

Do you have the family setting on his Snapchat? You can see all the friends he communicates with on snap. You do have to have snap chat yourself to use it. I only know this as only just let my 14 year old have snap (been reluctant). It's very good as a monitoring application.

What sort of phones do the three of them have, can they use location sharing and get rid of Snapchat? My husband is a teacher and Snapchat is the worst of them all for bullying.

I don't understand how the girl knows though, if he only has two contacts on his Snapchat.

My son has an old iPhone and his friends have Samsungs so don’t think they can share location just via phones sadly

It would only take someone to take a screenshot of the story and resend. Unsure why the two friends would do that though 🤔

What about using life 360 and setting up a circle for his location? That would work on an old phone?

The only thing OPs son did wrong is lend his phone to his friends when he went to the toilet he didn't post the photo of the girl.
He needs to understand that he can't let his phone out of his sight and his friends need to understand that what they did isn't appropriate.
But the girls profile is open so anyone can see it not just her friends. As such the photo is already in the public domain. And people much more dangerous than some silly boys could see it. So
She also needs to learn about internet safety and how to keep images safe.

I put yabu , whatever social media your child uses familiarise yourself with it totally , I know it's difficult to keep up but if you don't these kinds of mishaps will keep happening, I can understand why the girls parents are angry but I think the school dealt with it as best they could and I'm not sure the police could do much in this case

Just a quick update for anyone interested - the girl’s mum called me to say she was reporting the other boys to the police but not my son and will make it clear she knows he had no part in it. I apologised again but she rang off pretty quickly. The school have sent an email about to all parents to remind them of the dangers of posting pictures online and encouraging us to tell our children that once an image is uploaded it can be seen by anyone even in a few years when uni applications and job hunting is underway. They also reminded everyone that phones are to be put away at the start of the school day. My son is still very upset and worried he’s done wrong but I’ve assured him he didn’t, he handed his phone to trusted people while he dealt with his catheter in an emergency situation as could feel it leaking.
thank you to all who reassured me when I needed it.

The school have sent an email about to all parents to remind them of the dangers of posting pictures online and encouraging us to tell our children that once an image is uploaded it can be seen by anyone even in a few years when uni applications and job hunting is underway

Hopefully they also told parents that sharing images without consent can be illegal (not in this case, but if it was sexual) and that girls are allowed to wear bikinis on the beach and take selfies without being passed about for sniggers and god knows what else.

And giving an unlocked phone to a bunch of teenage boys is hopefully something your ds won't do again.

No one is going to not get a job because they have a photo of themselves in a bikini on Facebook

The school's response is bizarre and outrageous. Why would anyone not get a job because they had a bikini on.

I'd be incandescent if I were the girls parents.

I hope the press get a hold of the email.

I agree. It's disgusting.

There's a real undercurrent of 'she was asking for it' in the OPs posts, the schools emails and some of the posts on here. No wonder misogyny is rife.

I’ve assured him he didn’t, he handed his phone to trusted people while he dealt with his catheter in an emergency situation as could feel it leaking. whilst not "wrong" I would tell him that ultimately unless proved otherwise he is responsible for the use of his phone. He got lucky here that the other two boys were truthful.

Agree.

Did the email also tell the parents to remind their kids not to be nasty bullies and take photos off the Internet of their peers to laugh at?

It was an undercurrent initially, now it's an onslaught.

Yeah, taking a pic off someone's Facebook and sharing it, on a phone who's owner doesn't have Facebook? Nah. Sorry not buying it.

The school have sent an email about to all parents to remind them of the dangers of posting pictures online and encouraging us to tell our children that once an image is uploaded it can be seen by anyone even in a few years when uni applications and job hunting is underway.

A 13 year old kid wearing a bikini in the sun or at the pool, just like literally millions of others, is not going to have their university choice or career prospects affected FFS.

I agree I thought it was a bit odd too, as an employer I don’t go looking through teenage photos of applicants!

I'm almost 100% sure you need a Facebook account to see someone else's Facebook. It's not like Google.

You blame the girl???

The victim?

I wonder if it was just the image shared, or did they write anything with it?