Genuinely confused - kid + internet posting

[Stripyseason]

My DS is globally delayed - not significantly but enough to make him often act without thinking through possible consequences and that’s led to some hard times at secondary as you can imagine. But nothing I’ve not managed to help him through.

It all kicked off this week in a Snapchat (?) with lots of kids from his year and the year above. I think he knows most of them but not all. For some reason, he let 2 friends borrow his phone and one of them pulled up a picture of a girl in their year who had posted of her in a bikini on a recently holiday. My son isn’t sure but thinks the photo came from her Facebook which is open to all. Said “friends” posted the Picture on Snapchat with no comment but obviously this bikini picture was seen by many.

the girl‘s mum contacted school to complain and it took me about an hour of listening to understand all I’ve tried to summarise above (I’m an older mum in late 50’s and without sounding like I’m in the Archers I do find the online world of social media confusing). The head was nice and said she fully believes there was no malicious intent, but that my son should be careful in future about who he lets borrow his phone, and that provocative photos shouldn’t be shared without the person’s explicit consent. My son’s friends parents were also present as
they admitted from the start they posted it from my son’s phone, but they argued politely that the fact the girl chooses to have an open profile with lots of photos of her on the beach / going out / etc means they did nothing wrong posting it on Snapchat. I stayed quiet as frankly felt out my depth but apologised to the school and girl’s parents as did my son and assured them it won’t happen again. Have also had conversation with my son about not allowing friends/
peers to use his phone.

the problem is that his friend’s parents refused to apologise, said if they don’t want the girl in a bikini splashed around they should talk to her about her inappropriate content on open Facebook, and it all got heated, ending with the girl’s mum saying she was going to the police to report my son and his friends for explicitly posting illegal pictures of her daughter ☹️

i am terrified as this was done on my son’s phone. What should / can I do next? I feel utterly out of my depth and my son is terrified as didn’t even know it had happened until someone messaged him to ask why he’d done it. Any advice so welcome. Thank you. Not sure what my AIBU is, but don’t know where to post it as I’m not good with online forums either!

If you’re going to allow him to keep social media then you must read up on it. If he is using snap chat then it must be in ghost mode.

Having photos commented on and shared is kind of the point of posting on social media

My teens have had it drummed into them by their schools since they were tiny not to share any photos you don't want the whole school/city/world to see.
Having a couple of giggling peers repost on Snapchat is probably the least worst thing that could have happened

Definitely not one to badmouth other parents around the school.

Thanks all, I went to the social media safety course at secondary school with police and online cyber team so do have an awareness, just not as good as some I guess. That’s why I’ve not allowed Facebook/ instagram/ Tik Tok etc. The cyber expert at one of the talks said Snapchat is really only the issue when it’s used / on location all the time and people are posting malicious comments and pictures so that’s why I went with that one for him to just to find his friends in morning. He doesn’t even send them ‘chsts”. they said Facebook is far riskier as people take photos from that and photo shop onto other really bad websites etc with some horror stories to boot, So I do feel I’ve tried by best to understand it and choose the least scary option as recommended by the team.
thanks to all who have reassured me my son has done nothing wrong, slept better for that!

So again- he didn’t allow it, he had no idea and simply handed them his phone while he had to urgently change his catheter. They made a silly mistake accessing and reposting a picture a girl had on her open Facebook and immediately Owned up to that. I wasn’t questioning victims and my son and I both apologised to girl and her mum, and school is speaking to the girl and her parents about how to keep her safer online so hopefully that will help her.

Get rid of snap chat it will rot his brain

Make sure that your son knows that this girl can post whatever she wants on her social media. There is nothing wrong with an anybody wearing swimwear at a beach. There is no need for 'that is apparently whether she likes to post'. What the other boys and their parents think and say about that isn't your concern

This, although the OP seems more worried about defending her son's poor decision making than realising that girls on beaches wear bikinis and that yes, bikinis are necessarily 'revealing'.

He didn’t make a decision!! He went to the toilet leaving phone with friends who made a silly decision and owned it immediately. Of course I’m going to defend that! read the whole thread 🤦‍♀️as for swimwear - people can wear what they like- it was the girl’s mum who used the word revealing due to the new fashion of triangle top and thong bottom, not me! Agree all bikinis are by default revealing.

So again- he didn’t allow it, he had no idea and simply handed them his phone while he had to urgently change his catheter.

You have allowed your son to have social media. That's what I meant. Not your son allowed the boys social media.

You have allowed a child who you have said is globally delayed and 'acts without thinking through the possible consequences' a phone with Snapchat on it and which has access to the internet.

If he didn't have Snapchat, the other boys would not have been able to send the photo from his Snapchat account.

That's why I think you need to take on some responsibility for knowing more about social media, because you are your son's parent.

Which is why I attended the cyber and social media course and took their advice. My son has used his Snapchat responsibly literally using it only to find his friends on way in to avoid the bullies alone. He did nothing wrong hence my panic over police being called but feel reassured by all the responses that he’s not at any fault.

This is so odd.

Leaving aside the fact that teens really don't use Facebook, why are you worried about the police when the pupil admitted to the school that they borrowed his phone and posted the pic? 😳

It makes no sense if the other boy really did borrow his phone and posted it?

Which is why I attended the cyber and social media course and took their advice. My son has used his Snapchat responsibly literally using it only to find his friends on way in to avoid the bullies alone. He did nothing wrong hence my panic over police being called but feel reassured by all the responses that he’s not at any fault.

And I was one of those responses saying that I didn't think he has done anything wrong.

It's you who said you were 'out of my depth' and a 'dinosaur' with regards to social media.

Most people in their fifties don't use Snapchat and TikTok etc so you have to take steps to understand it. The course doesn't seem to have done that sufficiently.

Oh, I've just read he went to the toilet at the time they took the photo off FB and Snapchatted it from his phone.

Unfortunate timing.

what is odd?
all his peers use Facebook it seems
I was worried as it came from his phone. Even if he didn’t send it or authorise it. Still his device.
the end.

hence why I attended the 8 week course to get an understanding and advice on social media use in teenagers 🤷‍♀️

Very and I’m just glad his friends admitted it straight away as think it would have been more difficult if they’d denied it.

@Stripyseason youre getting a hard time here. I think you’ve done nothing wrong in letting your son have access to SM like Snapchat. All his peers will be on it. You need to let him be a part of normal teenage life. God knows who these posters are that decry any smartphone use or SM use for teenagers. You’re doing it right. Checking his phone daily and not having it at night. That’s great. Yes there will be learning. The girl however posted photos to a public site. I’m with your friends parents here. She has no control over her photo once she does that. Yes it’s not a great thing to do and I agree with apologising to her and not doing it again. But I don’t agree with full responsibility or that there is anything illegal. She needs to accept full accountability for what she puts out in the world. Go easy on your son and reassure him he’s ok. Keep his phone to himself only and don’t scare him off communicating using his phone with friends. I feel really sorry he’s mixed up
in this. But I blame the girl mostly.

Genuinely, most kids stopped using FB around 10+ years ago when their parents and nans and grandads joined.

But it's not 'the end' really is it?

The other kid admitted in front of the school and the girl's parents that he posted it from your son's phone.

So if that's all true (and I'm not saying it isn't), why would even consider the police might say your DS did something wrong, let alone be 'terrified'?

My son didn't lock his phone the other day and his friend looked through his messages. I told him it was not ok that his friend did that and he needed to speak to his friend about privacy. Fortunately my son had nothing private. Your son's friends overstepped.

I have always said to my daughter once a photo is online it is open to the world to see. It's an unfortunate incident. Lots of learning points. I hope your son is ok.

My friend's daughter used Facebook. Shes 14. She uses it to communicate with family abroad. W anyone is different and uses different platforms,

My DD however tells me it's for "old people" 🙈

Yeah as soon as Insta became a thing, it was like a mass exodus.

Because let's face it, who wants your nan and grandad reading about your teenage angst, and looking at the photos taken the first time your tried vodka and a vape 🤭

OP, my snapchat knowledge is fairly limited but I'm sure only your friends can see your snap story (can someone confirm?) If so, then how do other people know this was posted from your son's phone, if he only has two friends on there? It's got to be that he has more friends than you know of. You probably need to go through and remove them all, and only let him add new friends when you approve them

sigh.
Because, strangely, the prospect of the police getting involved with my son and his phone was quite terrifying as I’ve never been on the receiving end of having the police called on my minor before.

I don't see a problem with letting him have Snapchat, he had been using it as intended.

I wouldn't worry about the girls parents going to the police. She has posted it publicly. Her and the boys may just get a little guidance re social media. I can't imagine it will go any further than that.

Of course you do.