Genuinely confused - kid + internet posting

[Stripyseason]

My DS is globally delayed - not significantly but enough to make him often act without thinking through possible consequences and that’s led to some hard times at secondary as you can imagine. But nothing I’ve not managed to help him through.

It all kicked off this week in a Snapchat (?) with lots of kids from his year and the year above. I think he knows most of them but not all. For some reason, he let 2 friends borrow his phone and one of them pulled up a picture of a girl in their year who had posted of her in a bikini on a recently holiday. My son isn’t sure but thinks the photo came from her Facebook which is open to all. Said “friends” posted the Picture on Snapchat with no comment but obviously this bikini picture was seen by many.

the girl‘s mum contacted school to complain and it took me about an hour of listening to understand all I’ve tried to summarise above (I’m an older mum in late 50’s and without sounding like I’m in the Archers I do find the online world of social media confusing). The head was nice and said she fully believes there was no malicious intent, but that my son should be careful in future about who he lets borrow his phone, and that provocative photos shouldn’t be shared without the person’s explicit consent. My son’s friends parents were also present as
they admitted from the start they posted it from my son’s phone, but they argued politely that the fact the girl chooses to have an open profile with lots of photos of her on the beach / going out / etc means they did nothing wrong posting it on Snapchat. I stayed quiet as frankly felt out my depth but apologised to the school and girl’s parents as did my son and assured them it won’t happen again. Have also had conversation with my son about not allowing friends/
peers to use his phone.

the problem is that his friend’s parents refused to apologise, said if they don’t want the girl in a bikini splashed around they should talk to her about her inappropriate content on open Facebook, and it all got heated, ending with the girl’s mum saying she was going to the police to report my son and his friends for explicitly posting illegal pictures of her daughter ☹️

i am terrified as this was done on my son’s phone. What should / can I do next? I feel utterly out of my depth and my son is terrified as didn’t even know it had happened until someone messaged him to ask why he’d done it. Any advice so welcome. Thank you. Not sure what my AIBU is, but don’t know where to post it as I’m not good with online forums either!

Honestly, try not to worry, I highly doubt the police will do anything. Your son's friends have already admitted it was them that posted the bikini picture, your son didn't post it. So all he is guilty of is foolishly letting his friends use his phone. Hopefully he's learned his lesson not to do that again.

OK. My phone automatically dims the screen and needs a thumbprint or code to access within a minute of me not using it. Perhaps make sure he has that security option. I'm sorry he had to run to change his catheter but I feel more sorry for the girl who had her photo shared. Im sure you can see the need for extra security after this.

If your DS is sharing an illegal image then their DD is sharing an illegal image. Either they are bluffing or they are stupid. The image doesn’t sound illegal in any case.

Someone took your son’s phone and posted a legal image without his permission. Your son simply isn’t in the frame for this.

Your phone sounds a lot fancier than my son’s! Definitely no James Bond thumbprint on his phone (sadly!)
I felt sorry for the girl too hence why my son and I apologised wholeheartedly. Just wish the other parents had too rather than criticising and bringing up all her public content….it was awful to listen to. His friends were however very sorry to my son as were their parents for them taking advantage of his phone while he was changing, and I believe they wouldn’t be so silly again.

Thank you, that’s very reassuring as it was the illegal part that was scaring me.

Illegal or not, it demonstrates a complete lack of respect towards the person who's image they've shared.

I do agree that the OPs son isn't at fault, even though he was naive with his phone.

@Stripyseason I think many posters are determined to make you feel bad here. Most boys that age have Snapchat, it's how they communicate. I held off for a while at that age and my dS was constantly left out of things, wouldn't hear about meet ups etc. On balance the damage being done to his confidence and social life by not having it outweighed the risk of having it, so we gave in.

His friends were horrible but I'm guessing it was just a prank. It is worst investigating if they are using him and taking advantage of his delays.

I think this is just a storm in a tea cup. Lessons have been learned. That silly girl won't make the same mistake again. I agree other kids should have apologised but they didn't and you did, that's all you can do.

Why is the girl silly! She can post what she likes on her Facebook. That doesn't mean she wants excited little boys sharing her bikini picture.

They seem to be nice boys generally and the only friends he’s had since starting at not the nicest secondary school🥹they wait for him each morning as he walks with sticks and are respectful of his catheter changing etc. generally considered nice boys and the school have looked after my son pretty well after some inevitable (sadly) bullying at the start of school and actually helped my son find these 2 friends through a lunch time Lego club.

@Ghilliegums well personally I think it is silly to have no limits on your SM. Especially if you want to share photos of your body. Don't get me wrong, I think those boys were 100% in the wrong here but I think she was also foolish. But she is young and unfortunately they all learned this lesson the hard way.

They are all in the same year- definitely no age difference in terms of the boys being “little” which the Head said was a key point in terms of open social media consent 🤷‍♀️

OK, well just make it clear that you think what they did was totally wrong and that the girl involved had every right to put whatever she wants on her social media without expecting it to be shared and commented on.

Then sort his phone screen out with a lock. He should have that anyway.

He has a passcode if that is the same as a lock? Comes on after a minute of no activity.

Yes that's the thing. Tell him not to tell his mates the code. A thumbprint is easier than typing in a code, particularly if he has sticks to worry about.

The Head did say to her mum they needed to have a separate conversation about how to help her help her child if all her content is public but we left after that.

No they don’t know his code. Just me and him 😌But it’s an olllld phone and definitely doesn’t have a thumbprint thing on it!

Yes hopefully the girl will lock down her social media to protect herself from this kind of thing. With deep fake apps and ai this stuff is only going to get worse in schools.

And he only uses his sticks for walking to and from school so not a problem for him to type (thankfully!)

Please can you quote people when you're replying.
Thank you.

I think I have been? Tho maybe missed some as ive had way more responses than I anticipated!

You need to get up to date with social media if you are going to allow him to have it,

It's just not good enough to say that you do t understand it. You have to start understanding it. You have a teenager.

Read up on all of the various social medias on common sense media.

www.commonsensemedia.org/articles/parents-ultimate-guide-to-snapchat

Hopefully your son now understands he can't let other people use his phone because it's really important.

It really does sound like silly boys messing around and as they are good friends to him it doesn't sound like they were being malicious towards him.

Make sure that your son knows that this girl can post whatever she wants on her social media. There is nothing wrong with an anybody wearing swimwear at a beach. There is no need for 'that is apparently whether she likes to post'. What the other boys and their parents think and say about that isn't your concern.

The girl is the victim in all of this.

You need to get up to date with social media if you are going to allow him to have it

It's just not good enough to say that you do t understand it. You have to start understanding it. You have a teenager

Absolutely this. It's not enough to just keep saying you just don't understand it all. You have a vulnerable teen who is accessing social media and has already got himself into trouble, he needs support, guidance and advice from a clued up parent.
I'd be furious if I was that girls parent.

Please educate yourself about social media OP. I'm your age and clued up - age is no excuse.

Snapchat is entirely designed to prevent parents seeing what teens say and share. It deletes before you can see it. Remove him immediately.
Tell the school you're upset and uncomfortable about the other parents being unwilling to accept what is clear responsibility. Make it very clear you don't share their views.
Those parents are toxic. Honestly I would be open with other partners about how appalled you were at their reaction and lack of protection for a young woman

What is his age? What age is he operating at?

He sounds like isn’t ready for social media.