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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Genuinely confused - kid + internet posting

170 replies

Stripyseason · 19/09/2024 20:58

My DS is globally delayed - not significantly but enough to make him often act without thinking through possible consequences and that’s led to some hard times at secondary as you can imagine. But nothing I’ve not managed to help him through.

It all kicked off this week in a Snapchat (?) with lots of kids from his year and the year above. I think he knows most of them but not all. For some reason, he let 2 friends borrow his phone and one of them pulled up a picture of a girl in their year who had posted of her in a bikini on a recently holiday. My son isn’t sure but thinks the photo came from her Facebook which is open to all. Said “friends” posted the Picture on Snapchat with no comment but obviously this bikini picture was seen by many.

the girl‘s mum contacted school to complain and it took me about an hour of listening to understand all I’ve tried to summarise above (I’m an older mum in late 50’s and without sounding like I’m in the Archers I do find the online world of social media confusing). The head was nice and said she fully believes there was no malicious intent, but that my son should be careful in future about who he lets borrow his phone, and that provocative photos shouldn’t be shared without the person’s explicit consent. My son’s friends parents were also present as
they admitted from the start they posted it from my son’s phone, but they argued politely that the fact the girl chooses to have an open profile with lots of photos of her on the beach / going out / etc means they did nothing wrong posting it on Snapchat. I stayed quiet as frankly felt out my depth but apologised to the school and girl’s parents as did my son and assured them it won’t happen again. Have also had conversation with my son about not allowing friends/
peers to use his phone.

the problem is that his friend’s parents refused to apologise, said if they don’t want the girl in a bikini splashed around they should talk to her about her inappropriate content on open Facebook, and it all got heated, ending with the girl’s mum saying she was going to the police to report my son and his friends for explicitly posting illegal pictures of her daughter ☹️

i am terrified as this was done on my son’s phone. What should / can I do next? I feel utterly out of my depth and my son is terrified as didn’t even know it had happened until someone messaged him to ask why he’d done it. Any advice so welcome. Thank you. Not sure what my AIBU is, but don’t know where to post it as I’m not good with online forums either!

OP posts:
Ghilliegums · 20/09/2024 14:15

Tbh I'm willing to bet money that the OPs son is more involved with this than he sounds. If he's desperate to have social media then his friends can easily download Facebook and log him in while he's at school - then he can delete the app before he gets home.

Don't ask me how I know kids do this!

Shinydoor · 20/09/2024 14:18

You went to a EIGHT WEEK course on social media and came away thinking Snapchat was the safest option????!!!

It’s renowned for being the exact opposite. Used for bullying, buying drugs, illicit content - all sorts of things. And being late 50s isn’t an excuse - it’s hardly 1917!

GinandGingerBeer · 20/09/2024 14:29

Good grief you've been given a hard time on this thread OP.
Half the posters haven't even read your op or replies properly.
He's done nothing wrong. He trusted his friends to hold his phone. Now he'll know not to do that. End of! He sounds like a lovely lad who has an awful
Lot to contend with.
Give the OP a break fgs. All of our kids have done stupid stuff haven't they?

FirstSteps83 · 20/09/2024 14:36

Your poor son. He is vulnerable and was taken advantage of. I hope his friends regret their actions. Fingers crossed they have learned their lesson.

In no way is the poor girl to blame. She's been treated appallingly. (Not directed at the OP but some of the other comments on here).

You do have a duty to safeguard him by stopping access to Snapchat however, as this incident proves that no matter how kind your son is the risks are there. Snapchat is the worst and will only throw up more problems as he gets older. The PP's suggestion of using Life360 to track his friends locations sounds very good.

You can't keep saying you're an older mum and don't get this stuff even though you attended a course. I'm an older mum too and I work with teens - I have to constantly be on top of it!

Stripyseason · 20/09/2024 14:38

Shinydoor · 20/09/2024 14:18

You went to a EIGHT WEEK course on social media and came away thinking Snapchat was the safest option????!!!

It’s renowned for being the exact opposite. Used for bullying, buying drugs, illicit content - all sorts of things. And being late 50s isn’t an excuse - it’s hardly 1917!

Edited

It’s what they advised 🤷‍♀️
and yes it was an EIGHT WEEK COURSE but I’m not sure why we are using shouty capitals?!

OP posts:
cuu · 20/09/2024 14:39

Stripyseason · 20/09/2024 14:38

It’s what they advised 🤷‍♀️
and yes it was an EIGHT WEEK COURSE but I’m not sure why we are using shouty capitals?!

Maybe write to the course provider and get them to reassess Snapchat on their scale of awfulness?

Stripyseason · 20/09/2024 14:40

Ghilliegums · 20/09/2024 14:02

There's a real undercurrent of 'she was asking for it' in the OPs posts, the schools emails and some of the posts on here. No wonder misogyny is rife.

I certainly didn’t say or insinuate misogyny! Good grief. My son and I were the first and only ones to apologise to her and her mum!

OP posts:
Stripyseason · 20/09/2024 14:40

cuu · 20/09/2024 14:39

Maybe write to the course provider and get them to reassess Snapchat on their scale of awfulness?

I think I’ll leave the police school cyber into team to design their own content but thanks!

OP posts:
cuu · 20/09/2024 14:42

Stripyseason · 20/09/2024 14:40

I think I’ll leave the police school cyber into team to design their own content but thanks!

Up to you but your kid could be a useful case study

Glittertwins · 20/09/2024 14:43

On his phone settings, block websites that you don't want him to access - if he doesn't have FB app, his friends must have gone to the website.
The girl's parents really ought to be more aware of what their child is posting for all to see though. Maybe their (mis-directed) reaction is based on that but there's nothing more you can do since you've apologised for the accidental part your DS played.

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 14:43

Ghilliegums · 20/09/2024 14:02

There's a real undercurrent of 'she was asking for it' in the OPs posts, the schools emails and some of the posts on here. No wonder misogyny is rife.

To be fair Facebook is literally for sharing photos with a wide network of people. All they did was share a photo that's publicly available. I think it's fair to say the girl was asking for it. If she didn't want people to see the picture she wouldn't have put it on Facebook.

If the boys had hacked into her account, taken it from a private album, photographed it while at her house, obtained the picture by deception or invasion of privacy then that would be entirely different.

Or if they had altered the photo or made derogatory comments then again, not on. But literally just sharing on SM a picture that the person concerned had already posted publicly. Presumably this was the girl's aim in sharing the picture in the first place, for people to see it?

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 14:47

Ghilliegums · 20/09/2024 14:15

Tbh I'm willing to bet money that the OPs son is more involved with this than he sounds. If he's desperate to have social media then his friends can easily download Facebook and log him in while he's at school - then he can delete the app before he gets home.

Don't ask me how I know kids do this!

You don't need an app for Facebook. You can just use the webpage. I use FB all the time and don't have the app.

I do think it odd the son had his phone out and gave it to friends. Surely it should have been turned off and in his bag if he's as innocent as claimed? OP said this is the school rule...

cuu · 20/09/2024 14:49

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 14:43

To be fair Facebook is literally for sharing photos with a wide network of people. All they did was share a photo that's publicly available. I think it's fair to say the girl was asking for it. If she didn't want people to see the picture she wouldn't have put it on Facebook.

If the boys had hacked into her account, taken it from a private album, photographed it while at her house, obtained the picture by deception or invasion of privacy then that would be entirely different.

Or if they had altered the photo or made derogatory comments then again, not on. But literally just sharing on SM a picture that the person concerned had already posted publicly. Presumably this was the girl's aim in sharing the picture in the first place, for people to see it?

I think it's fair to say the girl was asking for it

She was asking for someone to take her photo and share it on the class Snapchat? For everyone to look at? Presumably they all commented on it.

Absolutely terrible attitude

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 14:51

RitzyMcFee · 20/09/2024 14:00

The school's response is bizarre and outrageous. Why would anyone not get a job because they had a bikini on.

I'd be incandescent if I were the girls parents.

I hope the press get a hold of the email.

No one said they wouldn't get a job? Just that image will still be out there and available to anyone who goes looking.

I don't get why people are so outraged at the idea that people might look at social media photos?

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 14:53

cuu · 20/09/2024 14:49

I think it's fair to say the girl was asking for it

She was asking for someone to take her photo and share it on the class Snapchat? For everyone to look at? Presumably they all commented on it.

Absolutely terrible attitude

Yes, if she shared it publicly to begin with. Any of them could have seen it already (and some clearly already had) without doing anything wrong or unintended.

Why do you think people post things on social media?

Ghilliegums · 20/09/2024 14:54

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 14:47

You don't need an app for Facebook. You can just use the webpage. I use FB all the time and don't have the app.

I do think it odd the son had his phone out and gave it to friends. Surely it should have been turned off and in his bag if he's as innocent as claimed? OP said this is the school rule...

Do you have an account? Pretty sure you need an account

Ghilliegums · 20/09/2024 14:55

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 14:53

Yes, if she shared it publicly to begin with. Any of them could have seen it already (and some clearly already had) without doing anything wrong or unintended.

Why do you think people post things on social media?

How would you feel if friends of your dp shared a pic of you on social media round their whatsapp group?

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 14:57

Ghilliegums · 20/09/2024 14:54

Do you have an account? Pretty sure you need an account

You can see some things e.g. You can search for a particular page or profile on Google and it will show a result with picture

cuu · 20/09/2024 15:00

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 14:53

Yes, if she shared it publicly to begin with. Any of them could have seen it already (and some clearly already had) without doing anything wrong or unintended.

Why do you think people post things on social media?

I refuse to believe it was just posted in the chat and no one said anything

RitzyMcFee · 20/09/2024 15:02

*No one said they wouldn't get a job? Just that image will still be out there and available to anyone who goes looking.

I don't get why people are so outraged at the idea that people might look at social media photos?*

What did the email from the school mean then?

If they didn't mean the girls job chances would be adversely affected by her holiday photo then what did they mean?

Did the school mean she would have a better chance of getting a job?

Why would the school mention jobs at all if they meant that she would have the same chance of getting a job if she didn't have a holiday photo on social media as she has if she does have a holiday photo?

Ghilliegums · 20/09/2024 15:02

I'm struggling to see the difference between blaming the girl for wearing a bikini and saying girls are asking for it by wearing short skirts in the street.

I thought that wasn't something we did any more.

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 15:05

Ghilliegums · 20/09/2024 14:55

How would you feel if friends of your dp shared a pic of you on social media round their whatsapp group?

I don't think I'd mind to be honest. If I didn't want people to see it I wouldn't have put it on SM. Obviously if they said nasty things I wouldn't like it. That's a separate issue.

A WhatsApp group of 30 school kids is a lot more private than an open Facebook account... I'm not getting the logic. It's like complaining if you sell your story to the daily mail and then a friend shows the story to another friend.

You are acting as if it the other way round and the boys have taken a private picture and spread it far and wide

cuu · 20/09/2024 15:06

RitzyMcFee · 20/09/2024 15:02

*No one said they wouldn't get a job? Just that image will still be out there and available to anyone who goes looking.

I don't get why people are so outraged at the idea that people might look at social media photos?*

What did the email from the school mean then?

If they didn't mean the girls job chances would be adversely affected by her holiday photo then what did they mean?

Did the school mean she would have a better chance of getting a job?

Why would the school mention jobs at all if they meant that she would have the same chance of getting a job if she didn't have a holiday photo on social media as she has if she does have a holiday photo?

And university too!

I would want clarification on this.

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 15:07

Ghilliegums · 20/09/2024 15:02

I'm struggling to see the difference between blaming the girl for wearing a bikini and saying girls are asking for it by wearing short skirts in the street.

I thought that wasn't something we did any more.

No one has sexually assaulted her, made any comments or done anything other than share a picture, within a small group, that she herself made public to the whole world already

cuu · 20/09/2024 15:33

DinosaurMunch · 20/09/2024 15:07

No one has sexually assaulted her, made any comments or done anything other than share a picture, within a small group, that she herself made public to the whole world already

You really think the photo was just shared as a FYI with no comment or malicious intent?