Genuinely confused - kid + internet posting

[Stripyseason]

My DS is globally delayed - not significantly but enough to make him often act without thinking through possible consequences and that’s led to some hard times at secondary as you can imagine. But nothing I’ve not managed to help him through.

It all kicked off this week in a Snapchat (?) with lots of kids from his year and the year above. I think he knows most of them but not all. For some reason, he let 2 friends borrow his phone and one of them pulled up a picture of a girl in their year who had posted of her in a bikini on a recently holiday. My son isn’t sure but thinks the photo came from her Facebook which is open to all. Said “friends” posted the Picture on Snapchat with no comment but obviously this bikini picture was seen by many.

the girl‘s mum contacted school to complain and it took me about an hour of listening to understand all I’ve tried to summarise above (I’m an older mum in late 50’s and without sounding like I’m in the Archers I do find the online world of social media confusing). The head was nice and said she fully believes there was no malicious intent, but that my son should be careful in future about who he lets borrow his phone, and that provocative photos shouldn’t be shared without the person’s explicit consent. My son’s friends parents were also present as
they admitted from the start they posted it from my son’s phone, but they argued politely that the fact the girl chooses to have an open profile with lots of photos of her on the beach / going out / etc means they did nothing wrong posting it on Snapchat. I stayed quiet as frankly felt out my depth but apologised to the school and girl’s parents as did my son and assured them it won’t happen again. Have also had conversation with my son about not allowing friends/
peers to use his phone.

the problem is that his friend’s parents refused to apologise, said if they don’t want the girl in a bikini splashed around they should talk to her about her inappropriate content on open Facebook, and it all got heated, ending with the girl’s mum saying she was going to the police to report my son and his friends for explicitly posting illegal pictures of her daughter ☹️

i am terrified as this was done on my son’s phone. What should / can I do next? I feel utterly out of my depth and my son is terrified as didn’t even know it had happened until someone messaged him to ask why he’d done it. Any advice so welcome. Thank you. Not sure what my AIBU is, but don’t know where to post it as I’m not good with online forums either!

Be clear @cuu the girl is not a victim. She shared her photo on a public site. At which point you lose control of how they are used and shared. If her and her parents can’t see that then they are the ones needing to go to SM course. The OP and her son apologised which I agree is a nice thing to do. I would have expected her to reply that she understands she has made those pictures public but that she appreciates the apology as this wasn’t their intended use.If the photo was being used to bully her the bullying would be the problem not the photo.

Be clear the sharing of the photo is the bullying.

Very good point.

Why on earth would you tell him its fine to hand his phone to what have proved to be stupid, untrustworthy friends who are willing to land him in shit... whilst he does something.

Surely he's got both a bag AND pockets?!

His phone needs to stay in his hand/bag/pocket at all times, its not to be handed to anyone but you or a teacher.

Ditch snapchat. Use Whatsapp if you need him to have a messenging service (though really you don't, im sure he has about a bajillion free texts he could use which come with very few of the issues instant messaging programs come with) and he can share his location via that and something like Glimpse or even what.3.words.

Snapchats major feature is that messages disappear quickly! Making it perfect for dodgy deeds!

Yes but this is MN where a girl or woman is always a victim incapable of any responsibility for choices and all men or boys are just waiting in the wings to sexually assault her.

We all know if it was the other way round, boy posts beach photo and girl shares - no one would bat an eye lid.

Honestly it's a ridiculous waste of police resources. Girl posts public picture, someone shares it. End of story.

Well obviously I don't know that but the OP didn't say that was part of the problem. If there had been bullying off the back of it that is a different matter and should of course be dealt with.

The point I am trying to make is that sharing the image is a decision that was made when it was originally put on Facebook. It's not a decision made by these boys

There's a lot of naivety about social media on here. It's never private. It's easily hacked. The world is full of bad people. Don't make anything public about your life or lived ones unless it won't matter to you if it gets into the wrong hands.

It's like people getting upset when the daily mail takes a thread from here.

I mean it's annoying and lazy of them yes, and could be distasteful if the OP is really distressed. But it's not an invasion of privacy, any more than posting on here is

No comments were made
at all

He has a catheter which he realised to his horror was leaking so had to dash to toilets and handed phone to his 2 good and only froemds and changing a
Catheter alone aged 13 is hard enough let alone with a phone in your pocket 😔his bag was in his locker when it happened. And he didn’t know he couldn’t trust them until they did this.

A horrible situation for him to have got into - friends like that, who needs enemies?

The fact he allowed his friend to use his phone shows he's not mature enough to have that level of phone access. He could end up in all sorts of bother. He needs to know you don't lift bikini pics from teenage girls Facebook and spread them around.
If it wasn't private, then they could've all just had a merry old look anyway. It's the copying and distributing of the pictures that's the bad bit. Very foolish. But hopefully he'll learn his lesson.

As for the girls parents, I guess just hope they don't try to go further.

Please read the thread before commenting. He didn’t allow it. He gave it to his friends while he dashed to the loo to change his leaking Catheter. Again If you’d read my posts you’d understand that was my worry but it’s now fine.

Actually @cuu I do think you’re right. Not that she’s a victim or been bullied but she is only 13 so actually shouldn’t be on FB anyway and would have had to falsify her age. Her parents obviously know this and have allowed a 13yr old girl to post photos that they think are too revealing. I originally said she was to blame for public photos being shared because that’s what adults know happens. But she’s only 13. It’s on her parents to say that it’s inappropriate for her to do that at her young age. Kids in her class looking at her was I’d say inevitable. It’s who else on the internet is looking at her and sharing her photo that would concern me. I’m surprised the school didn’t think that this was a safeguarding incident actually.

No comments on the chat.

Did you actually read her post?? Her son didn’t do this.

I would be mildly surprised that they were interested because I don't post anything on SM that I don't want the world and his wife to see

...which makes my SM posts quite dull

But it's social media 101
ESPECIALLY if you can't work privacy settings
(I also have mine set so others cant tag me in photos)

OP, the Police will not get involved because some teenage boy took a screenshot of a girls FB page. Think about it. It's not even bullying because it was just a picture. They thought she looked hot and posted it. They didn't write anything obscene or demeaning right? If I was the girl's parents I would not have gone to school, I would have looked over my daughter's FB settings.

If you haven't already OP I'd just start ignoring this thread for your sanity. The police are not going to care. And that's even if the girl's parents go to them, which they were probably only threatening because they're feeling mortified and defensive about the fact that they've allowed their 13 year old to post photos of herself in a bikini for the world to see.
Many PPs have not bothered to read that your ds is a 13 Yr old with global delay, mobility problems and a catheter, and are posting as if he's some seasoned criminal, rather than a vulnerable child with a disability. Hope it all sorts itself out.

This thread is the perfect example of an OP asking for advice about x and gets a pile on from people too lazy to read the thread and then giving, unasked for, advice about y.

OP I'm glad it's resolved itself for your DS and no police will be involved. It sounds like the school handled it sensibly.

The girl put it online so it's out there for anyone to repost, save and use. Not illegal either.