Genuinely confused - kid + internet posting

[Stripyseason]

My DS is globally delayed - not significantly but enough to make him often act without thinking through possible consequences and that’s led to some hard times at secondary as you can imagine. But nothing I’ve not managed to help him through.

It all kicked off this week in a Snapchat (?) with lots of kids from his year and the year above. I think he knows most of them but not all. For some reason, he let 2 friends borrow his phone and one of them pulled up a picture of a girl in their year who had posted of her in a bikini on a recently holiday. My son isn’t sure but thinks the photo came from her Facebook which is open to all. Said “friends” posted the Picture on Snapchat with no comment but obviously this bikini picture was seen by many.

the girl‘s mum contacted school to complain and it took me about an hour of listening to understand all I’ve tried to summarise above (I’m an older mum in late 50’s and without sounding like I’m in the Archers I do find the online world of social media confusing). The head was nice and said she fully believes there was no malicious intent, but that my son should be careful in future about who he lets borrow his phone, and that provocative photos shouldn’t be shared without the person’s explicit consent. My son’s friends parents were also present as
they admitted from the start they posted it from my son’s phone, but they argued politely that the fact the girl chooses to have an open profile with lots of photos of her on the beach / going out / etc means they did nothing wrong posting it on Snapchat. I stayed quiet as frankly felt out my depth but apologised to the school and girl’s parents as did my son and assured them it won’t happen again. Have also had conversation with my son about not allowing friends/
peers to use his phone.

the problem is that his friend’s parents refused to apologise, said if they don’t want the girl in a bikini splashed around they should talk to her about her inappropriate content on open Facebook, and it all got heated, ending with the girl’s mum saying she was going to the police to report my son and his friends for explicitly posting illegal pictures of her daughter ☹️

i am terrified as this was done on my son’s phone. What should / can I do next? I feel utterly out of my depth and my son is terrified as didn’t even know it had happened until someone messaged him to ask why he’d done it. Any advice so welcome. Thank you. Not sure what my AIBU is, but don’t know where to post it as I’m not good with online forums either!

How did it get viewed by many if he only has two friends on Snapchat?

He doesn't need Snapchat to walk with his friends.
They get picked on but they're also using snapchat to bully/upset this girl? Snapchat definitely encourages/amplifies this sort of behaviour.

You can't base your parenting decisions on what other parents allow. I have a 14 year old who doesn't have snapchat, tiktok, facebook etc I don't give a monkeys what anyone else allows.

I’m not sure, the other parents explained apparently you can easily join other “chats” and that’s what his friends
did (joined the yearX chat) and posted it while he was in the loo.

My son definitely wouldn’t bully anyone, he didn’t have any idea it had even happened.

As your son is vulnerable, having Snapchat is a terrible idea because the messages disappear so your son is at risk of being in a tricky situation where he can’t prove his innocence.

You can use other apps to see location. Are the other 2 boys allowed to share their location or do they only have it on when meeting your son? Does your son have his Snapmap location on too? It’s not good safety sense to have it on. Your son may only have 3 contacts but somebody who knows your son might look up his friends’ location to find him.

But he's been dragged in to bullying and other parents are threatening you with the police because of snapchat.

The best advice you've had is to delete Snapchat. As the other parents said she put the photo out there. There are other ways they can meet up

But why do you allow Snapchat which is extremely problematic?

Putting aside the debate about Snapchat, why are you "terrified" of the police? That seems quite an extreme reaction.

Your son hasn't committed a crime. He didn't post the picture on his account. His "friends" have admitted (in front of parents and the school) that they posted the picture. So why would you think he'd be in trouble?

agree with "friends parents"

ok screen shooting and spreading other peoples photos are not acceptable

you done your bit apologising but technically your sons has done no wrong
its was the other child and as parents are not taking responsibility that's not your fault

Ok think it’s turned into an age appropriate social media debate so will leave it as that’s never going to end!
But thanks to those have reassured me on the police concern. I was terrified because this mum has threatened to call the police and I wanted some advice that was all. Having never had any police involvement in a rather dull life I think it’s not an overreaction to feel terrified at police being called in relation to “illegal sharing of explicit images” in this mum’s words.

No, it’s the taking the revealing photo from Facebook without her “explicit consent” that is her complaint that she is taking to the police- she never used the word bullying at all, neither did the Head.

They all only use it between 7:50-8am to find and walk in together as on different days they open different gates and it’s a huge campus. my son definitely doesn’t ever have it on all the time, and I think it’s the same for his friends but not sure. Not sure why anyone would want it on all the time! But maybe I’m showing my age there. Unfortunately he can’t use find my friends on iPhone as his 2 friends have other brands and they don’t link up. For some annoying tech reason.

Nothing's going to come from the police. Posting a picture of a child in a bikini isn't illegal (though is unkind).

Snapchat is imo the worst social media option you could have chosen. It's all based on images, and historical content disappears. It's the worst option for grooming. Tbh it sounds as if your ds lacks the maturity for social media, if he doesn't understand the impact of posting a photo of a scantily clad peer. If it had been a topless photo, he could be facing legal action.

He didn’t post it. And definitely wasn’t topless, it was a girl in a bikini which is apparently what she likes to post, which is none of my business but now involved as my son let his friends have his phone while he went to the loo.

Thank you all, relieved the consensus is he won’t be in trouble as his friends immediately admitted posting it from his phone without his knowledge. The girl’s mum seemed happy to accept my and my son’s apology and I just wish his friend’s parents hadn’t blamed the girl and her mum and I don’t think it would have escalated to police involvement, but relieved my son won’t be in trouble. Thanks all.

He wont be in trouble with the police. The girl's parents really need to lock down their own child's profile and evaluate whether bikini photos should even be online if they find them "explicit". The police wont even entertain the mother.

I would start by deleting Snapchat and socials - he is far too young for this. Then have some chats with him about online safety.

Just because a girl posts a picture of herself in a bikini doesn't mean she wants a bunch of silly boys copying it and sharing it around.

She's allowed to post a pic of herself on her own social media without assuming creepy idiots are going to copy it.

Make sure your son knows what he's done is totally wrong.

It doesn’t sound like it’s an illegal or indecent picture. The police would not be involved in this. The school have followed it up as it’s a form of bullying.

The other parents should have apologised for their son’s actions instead of the old well she posted it first so it’s fair game. They are really not teaching their son any valuable life lesson there.

It really is time for children to be banned from social media. All of that time wasted by teachers having to deal with this kind of crap.

Completely agree it’s up to this girl what she wants to share of herself on the internet. And her parents being ok with it.

But to be clear, my son knows the only thing he did wrong was letting his friends hold his phone while he went to the loo to change his catheter. In no world would I tell him that was “totally wrong”.

I wish they had apologised too, I wanted the ground to swallow me up when I realised instead of aplogising they were openly critisicing the girl’a mum for allowing / encouraging her daughter to post such proactive pictures on open forums. It was awful.

Head was clear they followed it up as the girl’s mum had come to her first before the police as she and her daughter wanted the school to enforce that any picture she posts most have her written consent to be shared by others.

I've heard the 'I let my friend borrow my phone' excuse more than once OP. I suggest he uses a simple screen lock.

It wasn’t an excuse, oh my word. He realised his catheter was leaking so had to get to toilet fast and handed his friends his phone. they then “borrowed” it but that’s certainly not an excuse as they immediately admitted my son had no idea! and yes he has a lock but as they’re his friends I don’t think locking it was his top priority over getting catheter sorted as they have never done anything like this before in the 2 years his year group have phones 🤷‍♀️

But I am sorry you’ve had to deal with the “my friend borrowed my phone” as an excuse on several occasions rather than it being true. I appreciate that must be very hard as a parent.