Is my child’s school being extremely unreasonable?

[RainbowSlidders]

As the title says, I am so bloody angry/upset right now I don’t want to respond until I have had confirmation that they are being as unreasonable as I think.

I lost my dad on Sunday late evening, he lived 300+ miles away including a ferry journey we rushed down Friday AFTER school and drove back early hours of Monday morning all kids attended school Monday. This was a very unexpected death, he had not been ill and was very active and health for a 78 year old. He suffered a brain haemorrhage, the bleed was massive and catastrophic.

Due to cultural differences the funeral lasts 7 days, I understand this is not the norm and my children won’t be attending the full 7 days. The service will take place Thursday, I submitted a leave of absence form for Wed/Thurs/Fri due to the journey. The attendance officer from my son’s school has just rang and been extremely unpleasant, said it will be unauthorised as it’s not viewed by the school as an exceptional circumstance and we will be charged £160 fine as my son had a week off in July for surgery. I made it clear I did not agree and the fine won’t change my mind I was going to my dad’s funeral. I also said it was exceptional circumstances as you only die once, maybe not my finest moment but it was the least rude thing I could think of.

Am I being ridiculous? I have been feeling really off since Sunday, crying on and off for no particular reason so not sure if it is actually me being unreasonable. Monday after dropping the younger 2 at school I had to drop my eldest daughter off at university for her first day which was also very emotional for us both.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.
Second, school person is being a kn*b.
Thirdly, you are not crying on and off for no reason. You have suddenly lost your dad x

That's awful and I would definitely report to governors. At my daughters school they were great when we took time out to see their lovely DG when she was dying. My son's school sent us a letter saying they were going to fine us. I spoke to head and he apologised and cancelled it.

That would be very unreasonable, @RainbowSlidders - fold it until it is all sharp corners, before insertion.

Seriously, I hope you get this sorted out - it is absolutely the last thing you need at this difficult and sad time. Sending you my condolences.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I work in a school and this would be authorised. The attendance officer is wrong and inconsiderate.

Sorry for your loss. I had two days approved by school for Dad’s funeral, it was 3 days to allow for travel. They approved it and sent condolences

That's awful 💐

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your dad so suddenly. You must still be in shock.

Haven’t read entire thread, so others may already have said, but you may want to research the process for school fines. Can you appeal the fine within the school/education authority, e.g. via a complaints procedure. Are there additional charges added for late payment. And is there a way to defend prosecutions for non-payment of fines.

They can obvs send you the fine, but if you don’t pay it, they’d then have to prosecute you and depends on your scope to argue it was reasonable to take your DC out of school under the circumstances, including respecting the requirements of cultural practices. And what discretion a magistrate or judge would have in the case.

I’d certainly offer (in writing so you have evidence) to support your DC in catching up with the work he misses (especially if he’s in Year 11). By getting notes from teachers/classmates and completing any classwork that was set. That will show that you’re being reasonable and providing a solution to the lost school days. And this might make an appeal/defence more successful.

When my step dad passed away a couple of years ago, I took my children out of school for 3 days - my older one was/is at Secondary and it wasn’t an issue. I explained it was a 4 hour trip so needed 2 days to travel and 1 day for the funeral itself. There was no way I was fitting it in 1 or 2 days when I wanted to support my mum as well. I would make a complaint to the governors, your request is not unreasonable. Sorry for your loss 💐

From my 11 years working in a school office, a family funeral IS classed as an exceptional circumstance. I would certainly dispute this.

Hi you're not being unreasonable at all. Death is part of life....we have funerals and need to attend them. Not sure of the ages of your children....

not only are they being unreasonable, but if they persist, go to the papers about them not respecting your families cultural traditions. it wouldn't be unreasonable even if you wanted to take them out for the full length of the funereal practices.

Bloody hell, what's wrong with the 3% that think the OP is being unreasonable.

I'd be unleashing full throttle Fury on that attendance officer. It's absolutely ridiculous.

Go to the press - it's discrimination on the basis of cultural difference.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please concentrate on your family and keep them close and look after yourself. Try not to trouble yourself with this absolute nonsense by the school.

Time off for surgery should have been authorised. School do not get to decide surgery is unnecessary and unauthorise it. Look at the complaints procedure, usually on the school website, and follow it to make a complaint. You know next time to just phone in sick for whatever time off you need.

I would write:

This refers to your communication of (date). May I remind you that two years ago you closed etc. Pray tell me why what is acceptable to you is not acceptable to me

I wouldn't give two flying Fuc*s what they said, take them out for as long as you or they need.

They are being hugely unreasonable.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. We lost my gran in exactly the same circumstances and it was bloody horrendous. Big un-mumsnetty-hugs. X

School governor here. I don’t have a copy of my schools policy to hand as on my phone but it is in essence a flow chart of escalation. ‘Straight to fine’ is basically only in the case a parent is forthright its a term time holiday, for example.

What they have said does not sound right or appropriate given the circumstance and information you’ve shared here.

Schools are under immense pressure to have good attendance, and make it really difficult to deal with emergencies or events like funerals.

My Mum passed away five years ago, and had moved from Birmingham to Plymouth a decade earlier. Her partner organised her funeral for 10.00am in the morning on a weekday in Plymouth which meant travelling down the day before the funeral to ensure that we could be there on time, due to the distance and traffic.

The school would only grant them one day of absence a funeral, so I had to attend it on my own without my husband or daughters!

My daughters had 100% attendance at school since they started there, (only taking time off in later years because they caught Covid at school and they had to be quarantined) but apparently there is guidance that states only one of absence is permitted for close family funerals, and absence isn’t permitted for more distantly related relatives.

It felt quite cruel really!

Schools - or rather the DfE - have target attendance of 96%. It’s early in the academic year but 3 days absence will not cause a drop below that over the course of the year.

So sorry for your loss OP.

The school is being totally unreasonable.

Also, lat I checked religion is a protected characteristic under the Equalities Act.

This is discrimination and I would put that in writing to them. You could take a case against them and you would win.

I'm very sorry for your loss x

I'm So Sorry OP!! This is such an aweful time and I'm sooo close to my dad, a real daddys girl even in my 30's so i empathise massively with you 🙏🏾❤️

Absolutely write to the school chair and department of education. This is 100% exceptional circumstances and you are doing your best to follow these (ridiculous) rules but getting rude and heartless responses from your sons's school! Did you get the teachers name who you spoke to? 100% report them and ask what gives school the right to expect you to chose between saying a final goodbye to dear dad and school - which is still going to be there after the 3 days you are already in agony asking for!! You are amazing Op. I would be a sobbing mess everday for about a year if i lost my daddy or my mummy!! U only get one set of parents (not including laws in this) and its yours and your childrens birth right to say your goodbyes out of the norm or not! In our family tradition it takes 9 nights before the ceremony and trust and believe me and mine will be taking the whole 9 off when sadly we will have to. Mums and Dads are not debatable i'm sorry OP. Say goodbye to your Dear Dad and let the ass hole who called you up being rude feel the pain in your voice when you tell him you are reporting him for having lack of empathy and insight and failing to acknowledge your son's VALID exceptional circumstance which was unavoidable and unexpected! Ffs it was not planned!! How dare they say no!!!!!!!!!

How does he/she bloody know your dear son doesnt want to say bye to his grampy too? How dare he just shut it down! Hoping you all get to go without the fine OP - if u get a fine, stick it on Change.org and apppealllll it - post the link to the petition here so that I for one, can sign it!!

Good Luck OP

I think you just need to put this out of your mind for the next few days. Go to the funeral and take your children. You'll be in a better frame of mind to handle everything after. First I would dispute the 5 days they're accounting for in July. Did they expect you to roll your child into school in a hospital cot? For the funeral leave I think it's something you can handle on when you come back as well. Don't argue beforehand.

The last thing that you need right now is this sort of hassle. As if you don't have enough to contend with. It sounds hideous. So sorry for your loss. When things have calmed down a bit, I would absolutely write to the school and say how awful their approach was, especially compared to your other children's schools. Let them know exactly how they made you feel. It will no doubt be someone with no confidence or common sense with a tick box mentality.