Is my child’s school being extremely unreasonable?

[RainbowSlidders]

As the title says, I am so bloody angry/upset right now I don’t want to respond until I have had confirmation that they are being as unreasonable as I think.

I lost my dad on Sunday late evening, he lived 300+ miles away including a ferry journey we rushed down Friday AFTER school and drove back early hours of Monday morning all kids attended school Monday. This was a very unexpected death, he had not been ill and was very active and health for a 78 year old. He suffered a brain haemorrhage, the bleed was massive and catastrophic.

Due to cultural differences the funeral lasts 7 days, I understand this is not the norm and my children won’t be attending the full 7 days. The service will take place Thursday, I submitted a leave of absence form for Wed/Thurs/Fri due to the journey. The attendance officer from my son’s school has just rang and been extremely unpleasant, said it will be unauthorised as it’s not viewed by the school as an exceptional circumstance and we will be charged £160 fine as my son had a week off in July for surgery. I made it clear I did not agree and the fine won’t change my mind I was going to my dad’s funeral. I also said it was exceptional circumstances as you only die once, maybe not my finest moment but it was the least rude thing I could think of.

Am I being ridiculous? I have been feeling really off since Sunday, crying on and off for no particular reason so not sure if it is actually me being unreasonable. Monday after dropping the younger 2 at school I had to drop my eldest daughter off at university for her first day which was also very emotional for us both.

This. And the LA and my MP. This is beyond disgusting.

This also sounds discriminatory.

I am so sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do and then sort the school after everything has settled

How dare they?
not exceptional?! The death if their granddad??!!!

either they have no heart or there is something else going on. Ring on until you get satisfaction and please complain. It is utterly awful.

condoleances op 🌺

Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss, what a horrible shock.
This is a very typical example of a sledgehammer policy being enforced by people who are probably not senior and who are blindly putting in place the rules without thinking. I used to work in a school and the person in charge of dealing with parents and attendance shouldn’t have been in charge of boiling a kettle, let alone a sensitive policy. Contact both headteacher and chair of governors and get this ridiculous decision overturned. I’m so angry on your behalf !

I am shocked at this. I think you need to escalate this, but I can imagine you can do without a battle at this sad time. I wonder if the head knows that his/her attendance officer is an inconsiderate, idiotic robot.
I would keep the children off, go to the funeral then prepare for battle when you get back home. See the head, if no joy write to the governors and the education department.

Oh and what a bloody cheek considering a week off for surgery to be unauthorised absence!

Also worth looking at this guidance https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/66bf300da44f1c4c23e5bd1b/Working_together_to_improve_school_attendance_-_August_2024.pdf

It does say there is a discretion to issue a fine earlier but you'd be hard pushed to justify it in this situation - italics are mine.

"The National Framework does not prevent a penalty notice from being used in other cases where an offence has been committed but before doing so authorised officers are expected to make the same considerations as set out above. If in an individual case the local authority (or other authorised officer) believes a penalty notice would be appropriate, they retain the discretion to issue one before the threshold is met. This might apply for example, where parents are deliberately avoiding the national threshold by taking several term time holidays below threshold, or for repeated absence for birthdays or other family events. If local authorities wish to exercise this discretion to issue a penalty notice earlier in such circumstances, they should make this clear in their Local Code of Conduct. Local authorities who conduct, or may wish to, conduct truancy sweeps will also want to make provision for this within their Code"

and it also talks about the Public Sector Equality Duty and we've already talked about racism being a possibility here.

Why don’t children get time off school, like adults do from work, for bereavement leave and funerals? It’s almost like they are irrelevant and don’t have any feelings/rights when it is very much needed. Our HT had 3 weeks bereavement leave when their sister died.

So sorry for your loss
she seems a right old cow
🌹

The national threshold is the 5 days.

That's so often the question isn't it. Why do we expect kids to put up with things that adults don't?

For example a long day at school and then homework on top yet we talk about work-life balance for adults.

Also silly strict uniforms when "nobody" wears a tie for work anymore.

They're really tightening up on attendance now, even more than the past few years. It's so sad that no discrimination can be made between genuine needs and the persistent offendors. It's the same for staff, the loops you have to jump through for something that would've been a simple compassionate agreement.

Sincerest condolences, you could do without this extra stress. X

They are being an ass. Ring the school and ask to make an appointment to, or speak with the Head. Explain the fact it's their Grandfather's funeral who they were close to and they wish to attend the funeral and be able to grieve the loss with the family.

I've never heard of anyone being fined for attending a funeral. It was always the LA's decision to give fines and nothing to do with an Attendance Officer. (This could have changed). And your child needing time off for medical reasons is also irrelevant. I'd be having words with the Head (or the Chair of Governors if necessary) about your treatment. This is totally unacceptable.

Well said.

I hope your husband gets somewhere when he goes to the school. If not, please, please do write to the governors. In your place I would do that anyway and copy to the head teacher. Mention in it that you had filled in the correct form.

Good luck.

I think it’s absolutely appalling that the school have responded to you in the way they have. Of course your circumstances are exceptional. I used to be an EWO (now called an attendance officer) and I would have only treated you with the compassion you deserve. What kind of person is s/he? You are grieving and in shock and should receive only kindness and compassion. Most certainly complain to the school governors - they should be made aware of how you’ve been treated and if you could stand to, go to the local papers, or threaten to; that sometimes works wonders. Good luck and a huge hug.

Some schools are so inconsiderate, my son had a minor op on his foot was off around 4-5 days as he had to rest an not apply pressire, his school are a quite strict catholic secondary school, but they authorised all his days, then this week mon and tue my daughter who attends a diff school werent in, shes 15, but is autistic and has anxiety quite bad too, but our tiny chihuahua, my daughters lil companion, was tragically hurt in a accident but passed away within minutes and she saw it happen, she was and is heartbroken to a point of she wasnt talking, school authorised her 2 days off....i know its not the right way but maybe you shouldnt of asked school but just said he had a bug or something as the 1st 2 days are authorised 3rd day unless proof is provided then is classed as unauthorised, and you wouldnt be fined then either. Schools make it so hard for parents sometimes, your response to the school was much better than what mine would of been. If they fine you, appeal it, circumstances due to culture differences and the fact its so far away and they wont be attending the full 7 days but they have to attend obviously, fight it all the way beaut, you arent in the wrong xxxx

Sorry for your loss School is being insensitive and ridiculous As a school chaplain Id go all guns blazing to the governors AND the head and the LEA

Good grief! The mind boggles - some people really shouldn’t be in the jobs that they do. I would raise merry hell about this complete load of crap and get that attendance officer’s card marked. She is incorrect about the application of the rules (surgery being unauthorised wtf) and is rude.

I am so sorry for your loss and this kind of bullshit is hardly helping. Hugs to you OP

I'd go to the papers. It's a bloody disgrace. What about mental health? Compassion? Empathy? They are dealing with humans not bloody robots. Surgery can possibly be unauthorised. A grandparents funeral IS exceptional. I'd complain through every channel - head, governors, local education department and your local paper. I'm furious too now. 😤

You are certainly not being unreasonable. When my nan passed, I asked my daughters school about her having the day off to attend her funeral, they asked me for a copy of the order of service to prove we had attended her funeral, yet happily allowed my neighbour 2 weeks off school to go to the Caribbean for holiday.

Oh I would most certainly throw this in their faces, why the hell should you care after the lack of Sympathy they’re showing.

You think you’re doing the right thing by informing them but sometimes it’s best to just keep them off and say they’re unwell.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

Im a teacher and the school's Attendance Officer is being a dick. It's not like you are going on holiday to sip drinks... Complain.
Go to the funeral, spend time with family, take time to grieve.

Interested in this though. Don’t we have to acknowledge that children’s parents need to go mourn the loss of their parent and therefore children have to go as well? Even if we’re suggesting children shouldn’t go to grandparents funerals (which I disagree with) what practically are we expecting to happen? Spouse, assuming there is one, stays home to parent and ignores grieving partner? It surely can’t be a workable policy. It certainly lacks compassion. What’s the motivation behind it?

Not authorising for grandparents is not acceptable either especially haven't how many families are supported by grandparents.

Yes because ageism and sexism always makes things better…🙄

Shocking. You poor thing. It’s a disgrace you’re having to fight this st such a terrible time.

Sadly some people are like this. My kids school took the piss out of me when my husband died. The children were subjected to all sorts of problems, including a teacher saying attending a funeral wasn’t an excuse for not revising for a test. Their dad’s funeral. I tried to deal with it but wasn’t strong enough to go in guns blazing like i should have. Years later I still feel so angry I could cry. I agree with some of the comments that some people will go out of their way to make things as difficult as possible. I think it’s bullying. Feeling powerful and preying on a vulnerable person who can’t fight back.