Had a baby 8 days ago - AIBU?

[Melonballs1]

Had a baby 8 days ago lost a lot of blood and had to be stitched and unstitched twice. My husband and I are self employed and work together it’s his business. He had to go back to work straight away and only took the day I gave birth off and the next day although I was in hospital and he went home every night. his work is normally pretty flexible where he has no appointments in the morning or afternoon he would be at home we thought this would work well with having a baby. this last month it’s been extremely busy more than it ever has been which is amazing. he’s planning on taking on extra staff but that hasn’t happened yet. Due to this I’ve been home alone with the baby exhausted from baby blood loss can’t walk properly stitches have formed a hole and midwife’s have told me to rest more and keep my legs closed so it can heal. He’s got a hobby he does twice a week for an hour each time and then a job/hobby on a Sunday. He’s continuing to do these hobbies and is going tonight and went on Sunday. He’s working all day every day then coming home to look after me and the baby so feels the hour away from the house will be good for him. I’m just upset that he’s choosing to go so soon after the birth while I’m struggling I’m wincing in pain when I walk or sit down on strong pain killers just all round struggling. I can see how hard he is working and don’t want to deny him his alone time. I just thought he wouldn’t go straight back and atleast take 2 weeks off his hobby. I’m spending all day alone struggling with no outside help.

I get his argument re the hobby but really what he needs to be doing is cutting back on the work even if it means less income. I don't know the nature of his job but is it possible for him to do eg half days? I'm sure it would impress his suppliers as people if he explained his wife had had a baby so he's taking time off. (I mean it shouldn't impress them it's the bare minimum he should be doing).

hes working so hard to give us both a nice life and comes home helps with house work feeding changing etc he’s doing so much. But on the other hand im home alone struggling i was up all night with the baby although was my fault i told him to go back to bed and I would deal with it. Stitches where so painful i couldn’t sleep so figured why have both of us tired when im already awake. I’m jealous of all my friends who have had baby’s at exactly the same time there all off with their partners for minimum 2 weeks. I’ve said this to him and he replies well think of the future when I’m home early or can come to every school function don’t can have unlimited time off for holidays. I just wanted a few days in the newborn bubble just us too. My stitches aren’t great because I haven’t been taking it easy either

Clients can’t wait as it’s all done on tight timeline. We also can’t afford for him to cut down his hours as it’s not that simple

It's really hard having a newborn. Even without complications. For everyone.

He's a complete cunt to continue with his hobbies at this time.

He should he supporting you to look after yourself and your baby. This phase won't last forever.

ask him to help nights, if he has energy for hobbies he has energy to help at nights, you aren’t an endless well of energy because you’re a mum. And say firmly I hope you expect me to keep going to hobbies and leave you alone with a child if you’re ever recovering from surgery- can you text me that in writing please, so it’s confirmed?? Otherwise might decide when the shoe is on the other foot that I should stay home and look after baby/child so you can recover but I don’t think so. Someone I married says hobbies are an essential break.

He’s being ridiculous and incredibly selfish - he’s got a tiny baby and a partner who needs to get recover from birth. He doesn’t get “alone time”, busy at work or not. Sod whether or not he feels it would “be good for him”, he’s not the one who just birthed a baby. His needs and wants come last for the immediate post birth period.

You need to follow medical advice and rest before you end up with an infection or put your recovery back.

If he is working more so earning more money and hasn’t got round to hiring the staff in the business, can you use that money to employ a mothers help for 3-4 weeks whilst you recover? If you found someone to do 3 hours on an afternoon it would allow you to rest and they could do things like the washing, prepare your dinner, maybe look after the baby if you want to shower etc. I had a traumatic section 9 months ago and was pretty much bed ridden for 3 weeks at the start, unfortunately you won’t heal if you move about too much and if you get an infection it will take a lot longer to recover - I know you know this but maybe you need to spell it out to DH because one of my NCT class got readmitted with an infection and her partner ended up taking a lot more time off as she needed significantly more help.

Is there anyone you can go and stay with?
You really need some care and compassion at the moment.
He is being extremely selfish continuing his hobbies. New parents don’t get a break!!

He is being extremely selfish. A good man would have planned to take a fortnight off after the birth, it's irrelevant whether he's self employed or not. Presumably he takes annual leave for you to go on holiday, he should have done that after you gave birth. Even if you'd had the easiest of births you'd still be very tired, let alone if you'd had stitches and lost blood. His hobby has to go by the wayside for a few weeks at least, until you're better. Life changes when you have a baby and he needs to grow up and realise that.

It sounds really difficult and I feel for you. As you're saying, he can't afford to be away from his work right now, so you have to allow your disappointment to pass that he is not with you.
The hobbies need to be abandoned in the immediate aftermath of the birth, say that to him.
Nights I would be in the camp of "it falls with you". You're on mat leave, he needs his rest if he wants to be able to function during the day.
But that means that he needs to come home directly from work and help you with the baby until bed time.

Also second the opinion, if you have no other support, to employ someone to help for a few hours during the day with the extra money.

Why wasn’t it factored into your plans for your business that he would be taking some time off after your baby was born? you had 9 months to plan even if you hadn’t made plans before TTC. Surely with plenty of notice your clients would be prepared for him to have a couple of weeks off?
I think this may be the intro to the rest of your life, nothing much changing for him he’ll be working and out doing his hobbies and you’ll be the default parent doing all the childcare.
His vision of the future screams jam tomorrow to me, promising he’ll be more involved some point in the future, parenthood isn’t something you can put on hold til it’s more convenient.
Even if he means it, it’s no bloody use right now when you need his help the most.

You need support.

Can someone else come to stay for a little bit? Your mum? A sister? A close friend?

Obvs no hobbies right now. You're not doing any hobbies for a while are you?!?!

I think what your husband needs to realise is that this is an unusual circumstance during which you require an unusual level of support, and he is the person who should be providing that support.

He absolutely should be parking the hobby until you are recovered from the birth as an absolute minimum. You need him.

Also I realise that "help you with the baby" is not a correct sentence. It should be "taking care of his baby".

Have the health visitor or doctor explain that you are RECOVERING FROM SURGERY and that your body may never recover properly if you don’t get a chance to heal. Perhaps he doesn’t understand but surely he can grasp that tearing up your lady bits will result in less sex in the future?

Hire some help by hook or by crook. And take care of yourself.

No YANBU, he needs to drop the hobby whilst you physically recover. We’re talking a few weeks.

No, his hobbies need to go on pause for a month or so at least. And he should have at least taken a couple days off after baby was born, though I appreciate that’s difficult if you’re really strapped for cash. But the hobbies at least can wait.

Even statutory leave would be 2 weeks off work. It would have been sensible to budget a closing period into your company so that he could be home to support you fully. Having a new born baby is so hard and I understand the difficulties of having a family company, but its important to put your family first sometimes.
It sounds like you don't believe he can take the time off now though? And you say he's helping as much as possible whilst he is at home, so not sure what the solution is?
Obviously he should take a few weeks off of his hobby to support you as much as possible - he can't have downtime like this whilst you are literally in pain and healing.
Unless you will literally be unable to pay a single bill, it would be so beneficial for him to have a few weeks at home with you to help.

First of all, don't ask, tell him what you need from him. You're a family now and he's got to take responsibility. My hunch is, he won't. His behaviour shows you who he really is.

Take note- and I speak from experience- who he is when you've given birth is who he is across the board. We excuse this utter, utter selfishness as, "Well, he needs time to adjust to this big life-changing event. He works hard! Babies aren't easy!" Yeah. We all need time to adjust to doing something we've never done before in our lives- ESPECIALLY the mother. It's one thing to cut a new dad slack. I think that is important. New mums and dads need a lot of tenderness and patience because that first baby is such a novel life event and it doesn't come with a manual. But don't cut slack for downright selfishness.

He has made absolutely no effort to prepare for the birth (and the rest!). He hasn't prioritised his family at all.

My ex husband was like this. And I suddenly saw who I really married. I saw that I was of little importance. You've given birth and he's off making macrame owl hangings or whatever, while you're home alone, doing it all. His mentality is, "She wanted the baby. She's got the baby. I'll leave her to it. She's a happy bunny. I've done my bit." That's really what it boils down to.
Tell him what is role is here. Sad that we often have to do this, but it's so commonplace. I just hope he steps up.

Apart from totally slating your husband... 😬

Congratulations on your new baby. Take ALL the support you can get.

At a minimum he needs to stop the hobbies and help you.

If he’s going to continue to be at work all day then consider a nanny or other home help as well.

That's very true @SerenityNowInsanityLater especially the part " His mentality is, "She wanted the baby. She's got the baby. I'll leave her to it. She's a happy bunny. I've done my bit." "
So many men reason like that, and it's a very prevalent internalised misogyny nowadays

He's a complete cunt to continue with his hobbies at this time.

Yes. This.

He’s working all day every day then coming home to look after me and the baby so feels the hour away from the house will be good for him

Um, this is what parents do, go to work then do housework and childcare- it’s not some terrible burden that means he can’t miss his hobby for a few weeks. He’s being unbelievably selfish. I’m also shocked that he didn’t think ahead and make arrangements for some time off work. He sounds quite dim, tbh.

Do you have a friend or family member who could look after you- either at theirs or yours? Could you afford someone to come in and do a few hours’ cleaning? Really you shouldn’t have to be doing this though.