Had a baby 8 days ago - AIBU?

[Melonballs1]

Had a baby 8 days ago lost a lot of blood and had to be stitched and unstitched twice. My husband and I are self employed and work together it’s his business. He had to go back to work straight away and only took the day I gave birth off and the next day although I was in hospital and he went home every night. his work is normally pretty flexible where he has no appointments in the morning or afternoon he would be at home we thought this would work well with having a baby. this last month it’s been extremely busy more than it ever has been which is amazing. he’s planning on taking on extra staff but that hasn’t happened yet. Due to this I’ve been home alone with the baby exhausted from baby blood loss can’t walk properly stitches have formed a hole and midwife’s have told me to rest more and keep my legs closed so it can heal. He’s got a hobby he does twice a week for an hour each time and then a job/hobby on a Sunday. He’s continuing to do these hobbies and is going tonight and went on Sunday. He’s working all day every day then coming home to look after me and the baby so feels the hour away from the house will be good for him. I’m just upset that he’s choosing to go so soon after the birth while I’m struggling I’m wincing in pain when I walk or sit down on strong pain killers just all round struggling. I can see how hard he is working and don’t want to deny him his alone time. I just thought he wouldn’t go straight back and atleast take 2 weeks off his hobby. I’m spending all day alone struggling with no outside help.

He's a disgrace. I'm so sorry, OP.

What the hell a pp is thinking in saying "I can see his point about the hobby..." He needs to see what you're going through and grow up.

I think he can forgo his hobbies for a while - he has a new on it’s called parenting.

Sounds hard op.
please get help if possible? A sitter to play with baby in the day while you sleep?

He needs to take care of you and his child and stop with the selfishness. No time for hobbies when you have a newborn baby and a wife at home struggling to heal.

What a dick!

He needs to help you. Think about what you've been through, it's really not much to ask for him to put his hobbies on hold for a few weeks while you heal from childbirth.

In this situation he absolutely should not be going to his hobby until you are feeling better. If he needs alone time then he can go into another room.

Glad you managed to talk it through.

I think there are lots of people who don’t understand what it is like to be self employed. There is no paternity pay (or sick pay or paid holidays). Yes, you can ‘budget’ but it’s not just about the short term money, it can, depending on sector, be about client retention. Clients tend not to give two hoots about your home set up and if they go elsewhere, you may not see them again. My DH managed the day of the induction/ evening of the birth (section). Went home to do some admin, came back to see me, then had to work again.

contrast this to my own mother’s experience in the 70s of staying in hospital a week being generally looked after with me in the nursery. I bet she didn’t miss a meal as she couldn’t walk to the food trolley as her spinal block hadn’t worn off either! Childbirth has an enormous impact on health for all bar a minority. Women deserve better.

Life has changed for EVERYONE

He is now a father and needs to act like one

I had the same as you. I didn't even come home till day 8

his hobbies will still exist in a few months time when things have settled down. right now, you are both adjusting to a new situation, and things like that can go on the back burner while you get through healing and adjusting.
he is being unreasonable to expect to get time off to relax and do his own thing when you don't. right now he should be supporting you through something that was physically difficult, while you heal. you can both get back to "me time" when you're healed, and the new baby is more settled into a routine where each of you get to take some time for yourself while the other takes charge for a while.

work is pulling his weight to support everyone. hobbies are not.

For now his hour away from home has to be taking his baby for a walk so you can rest.
He has to realise that life changes drastically after you have a baby.

And you have my total sympathy over the blood loss and shit stitches. I had the same over 40 years ago. Didn’t get enough rest and ended up being quite ill so tell your DH from me ( a grumpy old woman!) to grow up and step up.

And congratulations on your baby 💐 The stitches will heal, I promise.

He needs to take the time to hire you some outside help since he can't provide it at this time.

Jesus cant his hobbies wait for a few weeks until you heal?
I bet you'd love a hobby to enjoy life for a few hours but you dont get that.

Congratulations on your new baby. If I were you I would get him to agree some ground rules now to try get a balance - hobbies are not a priority when mum is recovering like this. Simple as that. Id try to delete the bubble concept from your thoughts. Its not healthy to focus on that when you know he has to be at work now. But when he isnt at work everything should be shared - the load, the resting, everything. Laying ground rules now will help you in future....... after 10 years tonight is first time my kids dad has looked at the homework portal. EVERYTHING has always been on me - whilst he worked (so do I) and did the garden (hobby). Hope you recover soon.

Does he expect life to carry on as before ? Do you sit down and talk about how having a baby would impact your life ? You need to sort this out now, once you have recovered are you both going to have equal free time? Right now you need to tell him you need help.

If you can afford staff to help with the business, could you not get a nanny to help you if your husband needs to work or could family help you.

I had internal stitches they are very painful to sit down with, Tesco dissolvable paracetamol taken regularly really helped more than any other pain killers!
ask your husband to help you, they don’t always realise what a shock it is in your body because they are blissfully ignorant of what we go through.

My mum came to stay with me after my first baby was born. Could yours not come and help you?

If he needs time out as a break from work, then how about he goes out for a nice walk instead to relax. He can push the pram whilst he's at it and give you a break. It's a win win.
The alternative is to get up and leave and stay with relatives or get them to come over and help you. It would be better if they came to stay with you so that they can see what a cock he is when he goes out to do his own thing.

As for the 'think of the future' , i would be responding with 'we won't have a future if you don't bloody give me more of a hand right now'.

Well done both of you for communicating clearly and finding solutions and compromises at a challenging time. Best of luck!

As someone who's self employed I totally understand re you work when you can. However he should cut back on the hobbies.. can family or friend help

He definitely should have a few weeks off his hobbies after having a baby. I would be furious if my husband did this

See all the good advise is still flowing 🤦‍♂️

OP, seems like an actual chat with your husband has been just what you both needed.

you can tell how many people here have zero idea of what being self employed means! No sick pay, no holiday pay, no two weeks paid leave! People saying
‘can’t you just get help’ ‘didn’t you plan for this’. You can tell have never had to worry where the next payday is coming from or the worry of not working for a client and then moving away from you, work is not everything in life, but when you need that work to pay for mortgage, food, heating etc it’s hard not to chase it.

everyone saying it, back it up and donate your next two weeks wages to charity and see how things go.

Gosh, my DH was the epitome of selfish, but even then, I don't think he swanned off to his hobbies straight away. Have you asked your DH not to go or told him how you are feeling? It's an incredibly tough time no matter what, but its also crucial for you to heal so your DH needs to step up.