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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Had a baby 8 days ago - AIBU?

155 replies

Melonballs1 · 18/09/2024 11:55

Had a baby 8 days ago lost a lot of blood and had to be stitched and unstitched twice. My husband and I are self employed and work together it’s his business. He had to go back to work straight away and only took the day I gave birth off and the next day although I was in hospital and he went home every night. his work is normally pretty flexible where he has no appointments in the morning or afternoon he would be at home we thought this would work well with having a baby. this last month it’s been extremely busy more than it ever has been which is amazing. he’s planning on taking on extra staff but that hasn’t happened yet. Due to this I’ve been home alone with the baby exhausted from baby blood loss can’t walk properly stitches have formed a hole and midwife’s have told me to rest more and keep my legs closed so it can heal. He’s got a hobby he does twice a week for an hour each time and then a job/hobby on a Sunday. He’s continuing to do these hobbies and is going tonight and went on Sunday. He’s working all day every day then coming home to look after me and the baby so feels the hour away from the house will be good for him. I’m just upset that he’s choosing to go so soon after the birth while I’m struggling I’m wincing in pain when I walk or sit down on strong pain killers just all round struggling. I can see how hard he is working and don’t want to deny him his alone time. I just thought he wouldn’t go straight back and atleast take 2 weeks off his hobby. I’m spending all day alone struggling with no outside help.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 18/09/2024 15:39

GingerPirate · 18/09/2024 13:40

I think he is supporting the whole family at the moment.

How is continuing his hobbies supporting the whole family?

Melonballs1 · 18/09/2024 15:41

It’s also hard as business is new in the last few years he took a big risk and it’s done really well but recently it’s just taken off went from being able to mange it on our own to having to employ someone he’s worked so hard to get to this point but it’s all come at the wrong time. But nothing in life is easy will be having a big chat when he’s home tonight he’s read my text and replied but didn’t reply to the last message but he’s with a client so I didn’t expect him too

OP posts:
TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 18/09/2024 16:07

His input as a father clearly started and ended 9 month ago. Same old story.

crockofshite · 18/09/2024 16:12

He's not much use when it comes to looking after a baby.

Hire a baby nurse for a couple of months to help you out while he's fucking off doing his hobbies.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/09/2024 16:28

Yeah the hobbies absolutely need to go for a good few weeks. He may be needed at work but he has to realise that your recovery is more important than the hobbies being “good for him”

As a pp said, women aren’t endless wells of energy or men justified in only doing as much as they feel able, regardless of how much that leaves for you.

lemontree11 · 18/09/2024 16:44

pikkumyy77 · 18/09/2024 12:41

Have the health visitor or doctor explain that you are RECOVERING FROM SURGERY and that your body may never recover properly if you don’t get a chance to heal. Perhaps he doesn’t understand but surely he can grasp that tearing up your lady bits will result in less sex in the future?

Hire some help by hook or by crook. And take care of yourself.

"Perhaps he doesn’t understand but surely he can grasp that tearing up your lady bits will result in less sex in the future?"

This is gross. If the only reason he wants to support OP is because it's the only way he'll get to have sex when he wants then he can get in the bin. Sex is not a treat for men who do the bare minimum, like be an equal parent.

TuVuoiFaLamericano · 18/09/2024 16:50

Must be nice to have a baby and alter your life not one bit 🙄

Sorry op, but your husband is a selfish twonk. Not even a week or two? But straight back to work the next day? Fucking awful.

user1497787065 · 18/09/2024 16:57

My DH picked me up from hospital at 12 and returned to work at 2 with our first. With the second he picked me up from hospital on his way home from work and went to work the next day This wasn't unusual at the time. Looking back I wouldn't have had it any other way.

QueenBitch666 · 18/09/2024 17:02

Another He's a complete cunt vote here. Selfish wanker

bakewellbride · 18/09/2024 17:06

He's being selfish and unrealistic. For perspective op my dh didn't resume swimming until our youngest was 2 YEARS old and even then it's only weekly but if a child is ill or whatever he'll give it a miss completely (voluntarily).

He took several weeks off work with the birth of each child and waited on me hand and foot the whole time. He wouldn't have dreamed of buggering off for 'alone time' he wanted to help me recover from childbirth.

It makes me angry the way some men treat women when they've been through so much. He needs to be told, i certainly wouldn't tolerate it. Flowers

millymoo1202 · 18/09/2024 17:07

I don’t get the replies to OP is there someone who can help you look after you? Yeah the husband for goodness sake! Tell him to get a grip he’s now a father and hobby’s will have to be canned for a while. I honestly despair at what women put up with and you are only on day 8! Rest up and take it easy

Penguinmouse · 18/09/2024 17:11

user1497787065 · 18/09/2024 16:57

My DH picked me up from hospital at 12 and returned to work at 2 with our first. With the second he picked me up from hospital on his way home from work and went to work the next day This wasn't unusual at the time. Looking back I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Well good for you. Just because it was usual at the time doesn’t mean OP wants to sit at home after a traumatic birth so her husband can go and do a hobby when their baby is 8 days old.

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/09/2024 17:15

I’ve said this to him and he replies well think of the future when I’m home early or can come to every school function don’t can have unlimited time off for holidays.

If he hasn't planned financially to take time off when his wife has just given birth and is struggling with a birth injury, he's not going to do it for holidays or the school nativity. You run the risk of him avoiding parenting because the business needs him - let's face it he's already doing that. You need to very straight conversation about him being physically available to you and the baby, clear times when you are able to leave him to it and rest.

GabriellaMontez · 18/09/2024 17:18

user1497787065 · 18/09/2024 16:57

My DH picked me up from hospital at 12 and returned to work at 2 with our first. With the second he picked me up from hospital on his way home from work and went to work the next day This wasn't unusual at the time. Looking back I wouldn't have had it any other way.

When was this time?

Was it the time when women stayed in hospital and convalesced there until they'd recovered and were well enough to go home?

CautionOperatives · 18/09/2024 17:26

GabriellaMontez · 18/09/2024 17:18

When was this time?

Was it the time when women stayed in hospital and convalesced there until they'd recovered and were well enough to go home?

Quite. My mum had a week in hospital being cared for by nurses and midwives, who would also take the babies away so the mums could rest. I was back at home within 6 hours of giving birth. The introduction of 2 weeks’ paternity leave came hand in hand with a big drop in hospital care.

Chessfan · 18/09/2024 17:27

Jesus Christ OP you're recovering from major surgery where you lost a lot of blood, and need more rest, while looking after a newborn, and he's off doing hobbies? I despair. I really do.

Chessfan · 18/09/2024 17:29

user1497787065 · 18/09/2024 16:57

My DH picked me up from hospital at 12 and returned to work at 2 with our first. With the second he picked me up from hospital on his way home from work and went to work the next day This wasn't unusual at the time. Looking back I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Well done, in the current race to the bottom you're our front.

Mind you I'm guessing this was back in the day when you got a few days in hospital being looked after by nurses. So that's very very different isn't it?!

AmyW9 · 18/09/2024 17:31

He's doing hobbies while you're at home with an eight day old baby!? Work is one thing but jeez...

Totally unacceptable. Maintain that having a baby, and being in charge of them full time, is harder than being at work. Let alone a newborn!

Mayflower282 · 18/09/2024 17:34

My husband was the same when my kids were born, I think it’s a natural instinct to provide and support the family (financially/back in cave man time it would be hunting etc). I don’t think the issue is his lack of support, because it sounds like he is doing the best he can, I think the issue is you need a break too and more support from elsewhere. Could you get a nanny for a few hours each day to give you a break?

Sugargliderwombat · 18/09/2024 17:40

How can someone see a birth like that and Not want to stay with you and take care of you 😔. Really unreasonable of him.

LegoTherapy · 18/09/2024 17:47

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 18/09/2024 16:07

His input as a father clearly started and ended 9 month ago. Same old story.

This. Every time this.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 18/09/2024 17:59

He thinks that his hobby is more important than your stitches not bursting.

GabriellaMontez · 18/09/2024 18:11

Mayflower282 · 18/09/2024 17:34

My husband was the same when my kids were born, I think it’s a natural instinct to provide and support the family (financially/back in cave man time it would be hunting etc). I don’t think the issue is his lack of support, because it sounds like he is doing the best he can, I think the issue is you need a break too and more support from elsewhere. Could you get a nanny for a few hours each day to give you a break?

I don’t mind him working as we want and need money it’s the hobbies that have annoyed me

I'm not sure cave men went cycling in lycra or whatever bollocks he's doing.

While OP sits at home with her legs together.

TheOccupier · 18/09/2024 18:37

Honestly, fuck his clients. He can get more clients. He's only got one wife (and you've only got one body, which urgently needs to rest and heal). Did the two of you make a plan for these early days after the birth? Even if you hadn't had complications, you'd need more support than he's providing.

Ponderingwindow · 18/09/2024 18:47

He should not even be thinking about hobby time until you are fully recovered from childbirth. Then the two of you can have a conversation about a partial return, but even then might be too soon depending on baby’s temperament.

or in simpler terms: tell the man to grow the f*ck up

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