Had a baby 8 days ago - AIBU?

[Melonballs1]

Had a baby 8 days ago lost a lot of blood and had to be stitched and unstitched twice. My husband and I are self employed and work together it’s his business. He had to go back to work straight away and only took the day I gave birth off and the next day although I was in hospital and he went home every night. his work is normally pretty flexible where he has no appointments in the morning or afternoon he would be at home we thought this would work well with having a baby. this last month it’s been extremely busy more than it ever has been which is amazing. he’s planning on taking on extra staff but that hasn’t happened yet. Due to this I’ve been home alone with the baby exhausted from baby blood loss can’t walk properly stitches have formed a hole and midwife’s have told me to rest more and keep my legs closed so it can heal. He’s got a hobby he does twice a week for an hour each time and then a job/hobby on a Sunday. He’s continuing to do these hobbies and is going tonight and went on Sunday. He’s working all day every day then coming home to look after me and the baby so feels the hour away from the house will be good for him. I’m just upset that he’s choosing to go so soon after the birth while I’m struggling I’m wincing in pain when I walk or sit down on strong pain killers just all round struggling. I can see how hard he is working and don’t want to deny him his alone time. I just thought he wouldn’t go straight back and atleast take 2 weeks off his hobby. I’m spending all day alone struggling with no outside help.

Well, you wouldn't would you? Because you don't know any different. Shame.

He's a complete cunt to continue with his hobbies at this time.

My sentiments exactly. You gave birth eight fucking days ago, and you have physical complications.

Who gives a tiny shit what’s good for him??? Not I. He needs to get the fuck home.

Wow! 8 days and he’s doing his hobby! What a prick! I’d be fuming!!

I won’t mention working part time or less, he’s self employed and I’m sure he wouldn’t be working so hard if he didn't have too. Do you have a mother or MIL or some other relative friend who could come and be with you? They would be a lot more help and allow him to carry on working. My DM stayed for 6 weeks after my last section, you don’t need to cope alone and shouldn’t.

Or alternatively the other equally responsible parent could sack off his hobbies & make his wife & child the priority?

Tell him his hobbies can wait and you are more important. And stop getting up in the night, let him do it.

My dh bought a PlayStation game and weights for his paternity leave/SPL (3 months) and he never touched them!

This, could your mum come and stay for a few days to support you. Congratulations on the arrival of your new baby. Things will get better.

Is there no family/ friends who can help you while he’s working so you can rest?

Firstly congratulations on your baby and hope you are recovering well. I do think some of these comments come from people who haven’t run their own business. It’s a whole different ball game. You might plan to take time off but business issues might mean that’s impossible. My DH had to work nights the week after my first was born. The midwife was horrified that he wasn’t at home to help me after a c sec and asked didn’t he get two weeks paternity. Not on a livestock farm you don’t!!

Having said that, the hobby thing makes him a a prat in my world. Unavoidable work - fair play. Off to a hobby - bit of a twit and very very unfair.

I don’t know if 8 days in is too late for this for you, but when I had my episiotomy stitches I found a hot bath, around 10 inches, sitting in that really helped, and maternity pads with witch hazel gel and water, frozen - oh they were heavenly! But that was only the first five days PP or so.

As you're still unwell, I think he should be doing all the nights and working during the day (me and DP alternated nights during the newborn bubble, and one of us worked at all times)

You definitely need the sleep more than he does as you need to be healing

"He’s working all day every day then coming home to look after me and the baby so feels the hour away from the house will be good for him." He is RIGHT, but you are also RIGHT.

The present set up gives you two options

1. Hubby only does work and baby/house so that you get some down time without baby/house
2. Hubby does work and downtime which gives him no baby/house time and so you get no down time.

Solution 1 fails because you get down time but hubby gets none
Solution 2 fails because hubby gets down time but you get none.

The only fixes I can see for this are:

1. Hubby cuts work hours so there is time for his non-working hours to be shared between free time and baby/house time, so you both get a rest.
2. You find a willing friend, or employ a nanny/cleaner etc for a few hours a week, so there is time for you to get ample rest while they are with baby and you don't have to clean. Hubby can then rest while he isn't at work and you have baby.

Hubby doesn’t need ‘downtime’ at the moment. His wife’s got a hole in her perineum.

My son in law still does all the night shifts, seven months down the line.

Why is it that so many self employed people (or people married to self employed people) are surprised when shit like this happens? I know loads of them. Wailing that their self employed spouse can’t take holiday or any other kind of leave because they don’t get paid. Well…yeah…

There are big benefits to being self employed - earning potential, flexibility etc. They’re always happy enough with that side of things…

I find this post so sad for you OP.

I'm currently pregnant with my first, me and DH live pretty hand to mouth but we've saved throughout our whole pregnancy to carry us through his paternity plus an additional week (which he wanted to take, of holiday leave).
Did nether of you think to save in the event that he'd need to take time off from work?? To cover at least two weeks. Or not even stop working but reduce the workload heavily.

I'm having a csection and I've still got 11 weeks to go and he's already being so protective of me. I'm due a couple weeks before Christmas, we usually all go around to my grandparents on Christmas Day which I'm still keen to do (all being well) but he put him foot down infront of my family and said we will only be attending if I'm well enough to do so.

It sounds like alot of his work is office admin based stuff. Is it not possible for him to be doing this stuff from home??? So he's on call for you and baby? Besides face to face meetings with clients but surely that's not 8-5 daily??

I understand baby came early but not drastically so, to go from a plan of a hour a day to full days and weekends seems extreme??
But the hobbies are an absolute no no, firstly, why isn't he wanting to lap up this spare time with his newborn baby?? Secondly, unless he's blind, he can see your in pain and in recovery, so he's clearly just ignorant to it, which speaks volumes.. I'd personally be very disappointed with him behaviour.

Hi OP; it seems that he is working hard and coming home to take care of u both. You say he can't afford to take time off/clients can't wait. You have just had a new baby with stitches etc; all very difficult physically/emotionally.
Please try not to compare yourself to your friends whose partners take 2 weeks off but remember everyone's circumstances are different.
You need to talk to your husband to let him know how u feel. I think if you had some support/company, the 2 hour hobby would be less of a problem for you.
Please take care; things will get better. I'm sure your husband loves and cares for u ; communication is key.

What the fuck did I just read? No, he can't go and do his bloody hobbies...!!!

Basically had a big chat when he got home he apologised and we spoke about everything he said he’s under a lot of pressure and stil getting over my birth due to how traumatic it was. I’ve also had a very bad pregnancy and he’s been looking after me for months prior to the birth. He’s said he’s not enjoying having to leave me and the baby at home to go to work but dosnt feel he has a choice and I agree there is no other option. He’s quite his weekend job/ hobby but I suggest he go down to two Sundays instead of all 4 and he’s not going to his evening hobby for the next few weeks. I also suggested that on days when he’s in his office I pop by for lunch with the baby so that we can have an hour together take a walk. then I can see my mum after on way home as it’s next door basically. His new member of staff had there first day and it went well so hopefully it’s the start of more spare time. It’s something that should have happened sooner but business and suddenly massively picked up and it’s been a shock to both of us. Especially him as he’s been doing my job and his job alone for 9 months. His sister FaceTimed me to see the baby and said that while I was away having surgery he was on the phone crying to his mum as he was so worried about me. Hes
been an asshole but he’s apologised and I’m not going to drag out the argument we are both sleep deprived and both struggling me more than him clearly. Being self employed sucks sometimes but there are pros and cons and the pros way out the cons hands down.

@Melonballs1 that all sounds positive. Best of luck.

I’m also very lucky to have him majority of the time he’s taken on all the house work and looking after me for 9 months while I was to sick. He works 24/7 to grow his business and it’s finally majorly paying off. I’m able to be a stay at home mum and we can now live comfortably with our own home thanks to him. I’m still going to remember this moment and hope he never does it again. He also woken to find me asleep holding the baby during my shift and instead of waking me up he sat awake and worked so he could watch me and the baby like a hawk. I was furious with myself the next day but he said your not sleeping due to insomnia and your not well it was the first time you had slept since the birth so I stayed up all night to make sure your safe and got some sleep. He’s also sleep deprived and I really do think this was a one off mistake as all he’s done in other aspects of life is look out for me.

This sounds more positive. Hang in there. Can you spend more time at your mum's?

Well done that sounds like a really positive conversation.

I withdraw my earlier comment that he's a total cunt. Although I think doing hobbies in your current situation is mind blowing.

These are hard times. They'll pass. Hang in there.

It sounds like he's very lucky to have a clever, understanding, strong wife to be the mother of his children. I don't think you're the lucky one here.

He did say last night how lucky he was to have me and the baby was lucky to have such a natural as a mother. We both are going through a lot but as long as we communicate we will be ok. He’s got half a day today and we’ve both planned a nap he’s going to come home and if baby is napping we will both have a joint nap.

That sounds really positive. Is he going to do some night shifts with the baby until you're healed? I really think you should both prioritise you resting until you're fully recovered health wise