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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had a baby 8 days ago - AIBU?

155 replies

Melonballs1 · 18/09/2024 11:55

Had a baby 8 days ago lost a lot of blood and had to be stitched and unstitched twice. My husband and I are self employed and work together it’s his business. He had to go back to work straight away and only took the day I gave birth off and the next day although I was in hospital and he went home every night. his work is normally pretty flexible where he has no appointments in the morning or afternoon he would be at home we thought this would work well with having a baby. this last month it’s been extremely busy more than it ever has been which is amazing. he’s planning on taking on extra staff but that hasn’t happened yet. Due to this I’ve been home alone with the baby exhausted from baby blood loss can’t walk properly stitches have formed a hole and midwife’s have told me to rest more and keep my legs closed so it can heal. He’s got a hobby he does twice a week for an hour each time and then a job/hobby on a Sunday. He’s continuing to do these hobbies and is going tonight and went on Sunday. He’s working all day every day then coming home to look after me and the baby so feels the hour away from the house will be good for him. I’m just upset that he’s choosing to go so soon after the birth while I’m struggling I’m wincing in pain when I walk or sit down on strong pain killers just all round struggling. I can see how hard he is working and don’t want to deny him his alone time. I just thought he wouldn’t go straight back and atleast take 2 weeks off his hobby. I’m spending all day alone struggling with no outside help.

OP posts:
DinosaurMunch · 18/09/2024 12:55

He needs to take a month off the hobby and do at least half of each night in my opinion.
You need to rest and heal. He is being selfish and ridiculous.
Can you get help from family?

Timeforsnacks · 18/09/2024 12:56

I wonder if he thinks your hobbies need prioritising too. Honestly if he just sacrificed a month of hobbies he would never remember it in the future but him not doing it probably means you will never forget.

Scallopp · 18/09/2024 12:57

I mirror that he's a complete cunt. He should WANT a couple of weeks off and surely better planning would have made this work.

angellinaballerina7 · 18/09/2024 13:00

My husband never had paternity either, but it’s not the work that’s the issue. You can’t leave the house and are (very reasonably) overwhelmed/struggling right now - he doesn’t get to chill out at hobbies, what a dick move!

MissUltraViolet · 18/09/2024 13:01

Going straight back to work is understandable but not ideal. The hobbies, no.

He needs to stop going for at least a few weeks, you are in pain, you need to give your body time to heal and it won't if you keep going the way you have been going.

You shouldn't have to tell him this but it looks like you're going to have to. Tell him, don't ask. You need more help.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/09/2024 13:03

Bloody hell, of course he shouldn't be doing his hobby right now. Wtf is wrong with these stupid men?

Original poster
Melonballs1 · 18/09/2024 13:04

Baby was also born early so any plan he may have had went out the window with work. I think he was hoping to have lots done before baby was born but it hasn’t happened that way. I’ve text him a big paragraph and he’s not yet read it will see what he says.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 18/09/2024 13:06

Nope. Those hobbies need to go.

DH had no time off apart from day of birth (Friday). Even though I had my mum, he could not wait to get home to help.

I really think it’s a case of when someone shows you who they are, believe him.

BananaGrapeMelon · 18/09/2024 13:11

He needs to stop doing his hobby until you're feeling better.

HiCandles · 18/09/2024 13:13

Work fine, although he should have been preparing clients for a 2 week downtime at some point. Everyone knows babies don't come exactly on schedule. I hope when you say baby came early that you mean before 37 weeks, because if you actually mean 37-40 ie full term, then he has absolutely no excuse at all, because babies are fully cooked and ready any minute from 37 weeks which he should well be aware of if you attended antenatal classes or read any books to prepare. Slightly more understandable that he wasn't ready to have time off if baby was actually preterm before 37 weeks.
Hobbies absolutely not. I have a 7 month old and I don't think my DH did a single hobby session until about 3 months in.

Boltonb · 18/09/2024 13:13

He sounds like a selfish prick. Of course he shouldn’t be doing hobbies for a few weeks. You should both have planned for at least 2 weeks off for paternity leave, you’ve had best part of a year to make plans.

Hire a post pregnancy doula or sometime to come and help/care for you for the next couple of weeks. Use the money that he should be using to employ someone in the business to take some pressure off.

I suspect this is how things will be with him though. You’ll be default parent, no matter what your current health situation, and he’ll feel like a hero for taking a week off from a hobby. He really sounds like a dick

MoonAndStarsAndSky · 18/09/2024 13:14

I'm incensed on your behalf that he left you after one day and is going to his hobbies. What a vile waste of space.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/09/2024 13:15

In general, most people need time to themselves for their mental health. But when you have a tiny baby, and a partner recovering from birth, they should be your priority, and hobbies need to go on the back burner temporarily. If you were asking him to stop indefinitely he would have a point. But being alone all day with a tiny baby is very hard and in my case evenings were the worst. This is the most difficult and physically exhausting time, you need to heal. That's more important at this stage than hobbies or alone time. And to be honest if my partner had let me down like that, I don't think I'd ever be able to let go of the resentment

Original poster
Melonballs1 · 18/09/2024 13:19

@Boltonb he did plan around my due date to have to only work an hour a day but baby came early. He got called in on a job on Monday for 2 hours he could have said no but we need the money and have bills to pay he won’t get paid if he takes time off and my pay won’t cover these. He still shouldn’t be flouncing off to hobbies

OP posts:
Original poster
Melonballs1 · 18/09/2024 13:20

I said to him during my pregnancy that I think it’s important that we both continue our hobbies if possible as alone time away from the house is important just not while I’m newly pregnant and unwell

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 18/09/2024 13:21

You are recovering from a traumatic birth, hobbies are not a priority at all until you are heald well and confident looking after baby alone for that time.
Mens lives need to change when babies come along, they so very often do not.
He needs to be made to understand that working lots isn't good enough, he needs to be present and help you heal.

The best thing for you is to get lots of good quality sleep so he needs to step up.

Beezknees · 18/09/2024 13:21

He needs to take a couple of weeks off his hobby.

I was a LONE parent from when DS was a baby. No help. I did not have time for hobbies for years. At all. Until DS was old enough to be left on his own at home.

Not saying he shouldn't drop his hobbies for years but a measly couple of weeks isn't a lot to ask, his mental health will be fine.

Sprinklesandsprinkles · 18/09/2024 13:21

Can you get any friends or family to stay or help you in the day? Your stitches sound horrid and you definitely want to rest up! He shouldn't be going to hobby!!

Scallopp · 18/09/2024 13:24

He doesn't need to do hobbies while you're in this state. There's plenty of time for hobbies.

Naunet · 18/09/2024 13:35

He should be prioritising you and the baby at this point, he can’t expect to have a baby and his life/schedule to be completely unchanged. He needs to drop the hobbies for at least a month.

Gettingbysomehow · 18/09/2024 13:37

Don't have any more children with him. It's obvious where his priorities lie.

GingerPirate · 18/09/2024 13:40

GabriellaMontez · 18/09/2024 12:20

It's really hard having a newborn. Even without complications. For everyone.

He's a complete cunt to continue with his hobbies at this time.

He should he supporting you to look after yourself and your baby. This phase won't last forever.

I think he is supporting the whole family at the moment.

40YearOldDad · 18/09/2024 13:41

I was just going to say have you spoken to him, he may not know how you feel, physically, and from what you're saying it's not like he's out on the lash. Yes, hobbies can take a little break, but unless you speak to him. Again, moms on here calling him a cunt because he's not had time off from work, FFS. It sounds like he can't have time off from his job as there will be no bread on the table.

I'm sure he'd love to take a couple of weeks off from work and still earn good money. If he weren't self-employed, he would have. Not all jobs are 9-5.

Many moons ago I was self-employed and had to get back to work days after my first; there was a good period where I didn't see my baby awake as I was out for 14-16 hours a day 7 days a week. Anyone who thinks a parent would rather be out busting their balls (inc lady balls) rather than being at home with your new baby - give your head a wobble.

BePearlSheep · 18/09/2024 13:42

8 days in and he wants to carry on with hobbies as usual? That’s not okay. I’m sure you don’t get to do your hobbies right now. Work is work unfortunately, but looking after you and newborn IMO should be the priority, especially given you’re not fully mobile yet.

Lolapusht · 18/09/2024 13:52

YADNBU.

You are recovering from surgery. Having a baby is frequently brushed off as a non-event that women can just deal with. “It’s just a baby, right? Billions of women have them with no problem…” Absolute bollox.

Your body has not only just created and maintained a new life for 8/9 months, you’ve just given birth complete with trauma and now your dealing with the massive flood of hormones that comes after giving birth. It is a big deal!

This is going to be your life. He’s going to be at work and you will be looking after DC. He will do the absolute minimum while you do everything and get further and further from your career. He will probably feel excluded from your little family unit that only evolved evolved because he didn’t join in with the grunt work (which is basically what parenting is) and you will probably start to resent his complete lack of empathy and non-parenting/husbanding as he swans out the door to his hobbies because he’s worked all week and deserves some me time.

What happens and the lifestyle you’ll have in a few years is currently irrelevant. Different if bills need to be paid now, but him working for some fancy future lifestyle is nonsense. You need help NOW. He needs to woman up and sort his shit out. If he’s not going to be at home then he needs to arrange someone else to be there. You cannot move. You are getting no sleep. You are adjusting to having a child. How much time is he spending with DC? Is he bonding/learning or leaving everything up to you? Is he going to be one of these useless DHs who never bothers to get involved with their newborn then complains that said child doesnt like them?

You are the priority right now.

Congratulations on your wee one xx

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