Had a baby 8 days ago - AIBU?

[Melonballs1]

Had a baby 8 days ago lost a lot of blood and had to be stitched and unstitched twice. My husband and I are self employed and work together it’s his business. He had to go back to work straight away and only took the day I gave birth off and the next day although I was in hospital and he went home every night. his work is normally pretty flexible where he has no appointments in the morning or afternoon he would be at home we thought this would work well with having a baby. this last month it’s been extremely busy more than it ever has been which is amazing. he’s planning on taking on extra staff but that hasn’t happened yet. Due to this I’ve been home alone with the baby exhausted from baby blood loss can’t walk properly stitches have formed a hole and midwife’s have told me to rest more and keep my legs closed so it can heal. He’s got a hobby he does twice a week for an hour each time and then a job/hobby on a Sunday. He’s continuing to do these hobbies and is going tonight and went on Sunday. He’s working all day every day then coming home to look after me and the baby so feels the hour away from the house will be good for him. I’m just upset that he’s choosing to go so soon after the birth while I’m struggling I’m wincing in pain when I walk or sit down on strong pain killers just all round struggling. I can see how hard he is working and don’t want to deny him his alone time. I just thought he wouldn’t go straight back and atleast take 2 weeks off his hobby. I’m spending all day alone struggling with no outside help.

Yes this. You need to give him a reality check right now and start how you mean to go on. He should be putting you first and supporting you. If he doesn't, this is going to be the way it is from now on. Don't allow this to be the pattern.

I didn't and now 5 years later we are no longer together as I just got completely sick and tired of the never ending selfishness and justification for why he couldn't possibly contribute equally or compromise on his hobby time.

Give him a kick up the arse and see if he rises to the challenge. If not I wouldn't hold out much hope for your ongoing relationship unless you are prepared to sacrifice everything while he sacrifices nothing

He isn't supporting the OPs recovery from childbirth. I can understand why he is doing some work as he is self-employed but he should be helping OP instead of doing his hobbies.

nip it in the bud before this becomes your life forever, you at home with baby doing all the child care whilst he’s swanning off doing hobbies every week.

My husband took his full two weeks. It was lovely, but a week prior to us having our much longed for son, his mother gave him a list of 'jobs' she wanted doing 'while he was off'! One of which was laying an entire new floor to her downstairs rooms.

He told her no. Her argument was well you're off anyway. No, was still the answer even after much manipulation. She didn't speak to him for about a week. Her floor got done 3 months later.

What I'm saying is that if my hen-pecked husband can say refuse to do things for his mother, then your husband can not go to his 'hobby' for a month or so. It really won't kill him and at the end of the day, he should want to put his hobby off for a while because there should be NOTHING more important, exciting, worthy than bonding with his new baby and supporting his wife.

He's choosing not to.

Hire in some help in the form of a babysitter for a couple of hours at a set time each afternoon. Have you no family or friends that could help out? Or arrange a cleaner and meal delivery service for the next month at least and only do what you need to do for your baby and to recover yourself.

I would pay for help. Can you contact nearest college and see if any of the childcare students need experience, like a home help.

It’s where you say “he feels the hour away will be good for him” just wow! An hour’s break for
the mum is needed. It would be great in an ideal world but you need looking after, taken care of and thats if you’ve had a baby with nothing wrong. He is being selfish.

We can’t afford help my sister has been great but she’s sick this week and it’s not help I really want what I want is to spend some time as a family.

Threads like this make me so angry. He’s being an absolute selfish twat to do his hobbies. Do you any parents you can go and stay with?

Of course, but it’s help you need right now, so you can recover. I’d be so ashamed of him if I was his mum.

Put this man firmly in his place, remind him that he is a father now and that comes first. Hobbies can sod off.

Nip this in the bud now - it will keep coming up time and time again otherwise, even when you are recovered because you will have little time for yourself as it is.

You are ill. He needs to take time off from work to care for his baby. It is also his child. There will be no future if you don't deal with the bare basic now.

Tell him you are to ill to care for your child. He is the parent in charge. The hobby doesn't matter. When his baby needs him.

If he doesn't care for his child now, when there is a need. I don't think he will be there for their Christmas performance. Or violin recital.

Now, as you are also ill, you too need support.

Sweetheart, you need to speak up. Tell him his hobby needs to be put on the back burner for a while as you a) have a new baby, and b) are getting over the traumatic birth.

Don't ask, don't say please, just tell him he needs to cancel for the foreseeable as you cannot manage alone. If he's any type of husband he'll feel awful that he's overlooked you and how you're coping to prioritise his down time.

Why can’t you afford for him to be off? Did you not budget for him to be able to take some time off? If so, what’s changed? Regardless you are unwell and need looking after so either he does it and you lose pay or you ask someone else to look after you.

If he’s getting extra work why can you not afford a cleaner and meal delivery service for a couple of weeks? It’s not a huge amount of money if you deduct off what you would have spent on food anyway and he has money to hire someone new into his business?? That way he can look after the baby in the evenings after work rather than doing cooking and housework whilst you rest.

When are his days off work? Why can’t he do the full night shift the night before?

His hobbies need to be put on hold until your situation has improved.

Im afraid he doesn’t sound like the type of father who’ll be present at future school events etc when he can’t even be present now when you’re at your most vulnerable. There will always be something else that’s more important to him like work and his hobbies.

If I was OPs family, I’d be happy to support her, but like fuck would I be stepping in so that the FATHER can piss off and enjoy his hobbies. He needs to step up before anyone else is asked to help.

You need more help, simple as that. Fine work is essential but hobbies are not so he needs to give them up for a few weeks.

If you don't take medical advice and heal now you could end up with lifelong complications- is he really ok with risking your long term future health for his hobbies?

Do you have any family around who could support you while he's working? Mum, MIL?

Having a newborn is hard full stop, and you've had a tough birth. Don't push yourself - if you had had any other surgery or trauma you would not be expected to get on with things

We have a cleaner and his dad / my mum has prepared us some meals so we don’t have to cook. His job is an odd one it would be so outing if I said what it is but the plan was for him to work an hour a day to keep on top but baby came early and all the the contracts needed completing by a set date and couldn’t be out on hold unless we wanted everything to end and not get any money. He’s also had to extra contracts come in that are amazing in terms of money we are trying to move and need all the extra money we can for a new mortgage.

Yabu to think it's ok for him to continue his hobby atm. It isn't he needs to be supporting you and looking after his baby when he is not working. Few new parents have leisure time!

Forget the new mortgage for now. He should have turned down the new contracts and focused on looking after you and baby practically. Use the extra money from the new contracts and from him not taking time off anymore to hire some help like a PP doula.

And I’d give some serious consideration to staying in a relationship with someone so selfish never mind thinking about buying a new house with them! 🤦‍♀️

I told him to take the contract as not only do we need mortgage money we have bills to pay I don’t mind him working as we want and need money it’s the hobbies that have annoyed me and working on the weekends he’s got 5 days to do what he has to do

How early did you have the baby? Why can’t he take the paternity leave he was planning to take but a bit later than planned? Is it because he took on these new contracts? How were you going to cover bills without the new contracts that you weren’t aware of at the time you planned his paternity leave?

If he had taken time off work or does so soon you wouldn’t have the issue you have now with him going to both work and his hobbies, he could go his hobbies and he could ensure you have plenty of care and rest around them. If you both prioritise the extra money then you can’t also have him at home more but he absolutely could turn down the hobbies for a while.

My waters went early and so they thought I was due to give birth early I ended up in hospital and he ended up visiting every day and taking me to and from appointments missing out on work and then working every night while I was at the hospital to catch up this took weeks. I made it to 36 weeks but because he was busy with me being in and out of hospital he got really behind on work and used up most of his time of clients are only so happy to wait

It sounds like OP encouraged him to do it, though.

Ah ok so he’s basically used up his leave before baby was born. Sorry that’s a tough situation.
I really hope he turns down his hobbies for a while and/or these new contracts and you can find someone else to support you!

My husband is not going to his hobby for 3 months. So it is possible! When he goes back to it he’s booking a day off from work the same week. Until baby goes to childminder and I get a break.

Invent your own hobby. Even if it's sitting on the driveway in peace doom scrolling for an hour.