Finding it difficult to be friends with a depressed person

[Lamaswithhats]

I feel awful writing this. I have been friends with her for about 5 years and for all of those years she has struggled with mental health problems. I have always been there for her and supported her. I’ve turned up when she’s called me at 1am because she thinks she’s going to hurt herself, I answer every phone call, every text message, and try my best even though I don’t fully understand what she’s going through or what I should do to help.

It’s starting to have a negative impact on me and my life now. I know that she can’t help it, and she’s already lost a friend over it this year. Her friend told her she can’t be friends with her anymore because she’s too negative. She just cut her off. I would never do that to her, but I have to admit that she is draining me. I have to mentally prepare myself to talk to her. She texts me every single day and it’s always about negative or upsetting things. I know as soon as her name comes up on my phone I will have to have a long conversation with her, trying to calm her down. Especially because she has no one else. Many nights I have to take myself upstairs to speak to her for hours while my husband is downstairs. He will shout up and ask me if I’m coming back down to watch the rest of the film (for example) and I have to say no I can’t. She texts or calls me at least three times a week saying she is going to hurt herself. When she first started doing this I panicked, I would call her mum or her friends that live closer to her, I’d drive over to hers myself and find her etc but she’s been doing this 2 or 3 times a week for about 2 years now and I am exhausted with her. I have my own family and friends and my own life and this is really affecting all of those things as well as my friendship with her. I paid for us to go on holiday together this year, I asked her first whether she would like it and be up for it and she said yes, but she was miserable the whole time and moaned and complained about every little thing. We got home and she broke down crying apologising to me. I know that she can’t help it but I can’t carry on like this forever with her. Does anyone have any advice please?

Does she get any professional help from mental health organisations/helplines that she can contact. The fact that you are posting about this, makes me think you are struggling with the enormity of phone calls/texts with her. What happens if you don’t take her calls, could you suggest just talking once or twice a week. You sound like a very good friend, but if it’s impacting your health then you need to limit contact with her.

I'm sorry about your friend, she sounds like she's in a bad way. I would encourage her to see her GP to get a referral to a Community Mental Health Team who would be better placed to help her.

If she's talking about suicide or self harm, she can call NHS Direct option 2 or you could call an ambulance.

It sounds like her mental health is untreated. If she's on medication, it's not having much of an effect and may need adjusting. I would also encourage her to seek therapy.

She has obviously become very dependent on you and she needs to get support from other sources as this is unsustainable. I would direct her to helplines such as the Samaritans and Rethink who provide advice and guidance.

You sound like a very good friend but this is too much for you alone to be responsible for.
Does she have any professionals involved? if so maybe you could ask her if you could go with her to her next appointment, to see what support is actually being put in place for her.
Does she have any family that you could talk to about this ?
In the nicest way possible, she is being a little selfish taking up so much of your time , and possibly at the risk of your marriage. And i don't mean this unkindly as i have suffered with my mental health at times too. and never would have put such pressure on my friends.

This is far too much for you to be burdened with as a friend.

What professional help is she getting?

If she was as concerned for you as you are for her, she wouldn't be doing this to you. I think you need to tell her straight the impact it's having on you and that if you both want to be friends, things need to drastically change.

I've suffered from varying degrees of depression most of my life, the last thing I'd do is inflict myself on somebody else.

This is too much for one friend to deal with. I’d support her, if she wanted me to, in getting professional help but other than that I’d be deciding on very clear boundaries about the level and type of contact I felt comfortable with and communicating that to her.

In your shoes I'd find a time to talk about how you are feeling, and explain that you can't continue to support her in this way. Perhaps give her the numbers for online help services? Can she talk to her GP? This will be a difficult conversation, but you can't keep going like this. It's not fair on you or your husband, and as you point out, it is draining you. So now you must rescue yourself. Perhaps other readers will have more specific advice for you, but I think you need to attend to your own needs now.

You’re not responsible for her health and wellbeing. You need to stop being so available to her for your sake, and your family.

She does have people to talk to - there are organisations that can help. Put some measures in place - give get the numbers if The Samaritans, mental health groups etc.

You said that get friend has cut her off, so she’s not only phoning you, but others.

what professional help is she getting? Is she engaging with her gp? Counselling etc?

you need to wean her off you. Don’t respond to every text Only answer them once a day etc. if you’re not available for a call, then don’t answer, or answer and give get the Samaritans number.

I repeat, you're not responsible for her. I imagine that when you first knew her, she sucked you in with her tales of woe, and it’s continued ever since.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.

So she does receive professional help she is constantly back and forwards to the doctors, she also has a therapist. The problem is, they don’t seem to help her. She tells me all the time how they don’t care and they fob her off and no one can do anything for her. In the middle of the night she desperately needed someone and contacted her therapist who sent her the link to an online chat. She doesn’t find any of it helpful. She is also on medication. So at this point I do not know what to do to help her. There’s only so much I can say and do and it’s the same things I’ve been doing and saying for years. It’s repetitive and draining and exhausting and I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t feel like I can just ignore her calls and texts when she’s in need. The thought of sitting down with my family having a lovely evening in, while I know she’s having a breakdown at home and I’m ignoring her makes me feel horrendous and guilty and I just couldn’t do it

The thought of sitting down with my family having a lovely evening in, while I know she’s having a breakdown at home and I’m ignoring her makes me feel horrendous and guilty and I just couldn’t do it

But she has other support. She has professionals involved. She has access to resources her therapist has provided.

You deserve a lovely evening with your family - no need to feel guilty.

Could it be worth pulling back subtly. I do think you need to have boundaries for your own welfare. I'm not an expert on mental health and this may be the wrong this to say, but can she in some way be encouraged to bear a little more responsibility for looking to help herself.

Yo need to set yourself boundaries of what you’re prepared to do. One call a week for 30 minutes? Then you need to tell her and stick to it.

”Hi friend, I can tell that you need help, but I’m not the right person to provide that, I’m not a trained professional in mental health. Please use the contacts that are equipped to help you, I know you have doubts about what they can do but they can do more than me. I just can’t give you the help you need, and that’s the truth of it. I need to step back a bit in an effort to help you contact the right people instead of relying on me, it’s not because I don’t care about you, but because I don’t think I have anything to offer you that is going to help you properly. I know that you might not like what I am saying, but I am doing this because it is the right thing to do for both of us.”

I support people at work who have mental health issues, it’s helpful to have a healthy boundary about what is in your control and what isn’t, and focus on that and vocalise it to the person. I got asked if I could help someone contact their estranged mother about Christmas plans the other day, for their mental health, I said no as it was outside my role, I am not trained to facilitate that kind of conversation and it was wholly inappropriate to have asked me to do that. Your friend needs to understand that you are not her support worker and you need to define your own role here.

I think it's worth you speaking to a professional yourself about the feelings of guilt and how you can navigate the situation. I understand the dilemma you're in but this is too much for one person to provide and you need a line somewhere, for your and your family's sake.

The thing is she is not regarding or treating you as a separate person with your own needs. There is no boundary and that is bad for her and she sounds very stuck. Could she understand you making some changes in the interest of her health? Could you access some therapy for yourself? This is affecting you really badly.

Can I ask, what do you expect from this thread? Your options are to continue you as are, making changes (ie reduce the amount of contact), or leave the friendship altogether (as another friend has decided to do).

Someone upthread described her a selfish and I kinda agree with them. Yes, she has got a mental illness , but she’s also a first class manipulator. Actually, manipulator may be a bit strong, but she has got you singing to her tune.

I think this is an all or nothing situation. As much as she needs the help and support, it is not your duty or obligation to provide that. It sounds as though if you tried to step back a little you'd be sucked in again very quickly. While I appreciate that your friend has needs and struggles, it is not your job, nor your obligation, nor even your duty as a friend, to be at her beck and call as some kind of emotional support creature.

It sounds harsh, but in your shoes I think I'd just politely and quietly step away. Is that something you could try and do? You don't need to feel guilty - she's sucked you into issues that should have been hers alone, and she's really taking advantage of your good nature. I'm sure she isn't doing it deliberately, but it's happening nonetheless.

Some friendships just aren't healthy, and this is one of those.

Her therapist did the right thing. They are a human who needs to be able to have a life and healthy emotional boundaries, not a 24/7 emergency service.

I'm going to be harsh now. You've been sacrificing your time and your sanity and your family life, and has it made her better? No. It's just made you and the people around you suffer. You aren't making her better. You aren't even a healthy coping strategy. You aren't doing anything except fulfilling your own need to feel needed. If you start setting boundaries, she isn't going to suddenly collapse. She'll have to find some more sustainable ways to cope, and you will have the chance to be happier and healthier.

For your own sake you need to step back. You cannot be her support person, you have a life of your own. This level of dependency will drain you until you break - it’s just not fair.

Depressed people can be terribly selfish. I should know, I struggled with depression for years. It breaks down so much of yourself you can’t see anything except your pain and distress. It’s awful, but it’s not something a friend can fix.

Lots of partners and spouses of people with depression go in to have breakdowns themselves. Your duty to yourself and your family is to protect yourself from this.

Don’t think in terms of letting your friend down, think in terms of prioritising your life and your family relationships.

Tell your friend you are turning your phone notifications off in the evenings from now on as you need to disconnect (from phones, not her - phrase it as healthy living step you’re taking). If she knows you’re not going to see her messages or answer the phone, she may still try but won’t feel the rejection if she didn’t know about it.

You can’t pour from an empty vessel. You have to step back for both your sakes.

I was hoping for advice on how I can put a stop to this without hurting her feelings or ruining the friendship. I was hoping someone might have once been in a similar situation or works in mental health for example and could give me advice on how I can do this without the guilt. I have received great advice and am really glad that I posted here because it’s been very helpful, especially for the confirmation that I won’t be a bad person to put boundaries in place.

At some point her demands are going to become too much and you will snap. Better to tell her now, kindly, why you need to create space and so you can remain a friend rather than losing it with her and needling to end the friendship.

You have to prioritise your own MH and your relatinship with your husband & family, if those become strained where does that leave you? It doesn't sound as though she would be able be there to support you if you needed it.

It sounds like a tough position to be in but the dynamic sounds really unhealthy. I’ve been in a similar position and can recognise the signs.

I’d also think really objectively about how she would approach supporting you if the tables were turned. From my experience, the type of people who are this selfish (and I know she is depressed, but she also sounds selfish imo) will probably leave you high and dry in your own hour of need.

it sounds as though you are risking your own relationships to provide support to someone else, and it isn’t even really having a positive impact on their recovery,

💐 for you OP.

Thank you so much for the advice. I will be taking it onboard and having a conversation with her. I hope it goes well, I feel like she might not take it well, no matter how I broach it. But I just know I can’t carry on and something has to change, so I will try

Sounds like she is deliberately not responding or at least is resisting all of the help she is receiving for her mental health.

Maybe one of those that enjoys b ing miserable.

If you can't be blunt with her and tell her it's all too much then start putting distance between her and you and gradually wean her off you.

Just remember you are not responsible for her reaction.
don’t let her make you feel bad about it and you’ll need to be prepared to stick to your boundaries if she tries to suck you into debate. Don’t apologise- you’ve already done more than enough as I think you know.
my advice is to keep it short and sweet. Say your bit and then finish/go so she can think about it in peace. Better still say it in a message so there’s literally no doubt in her mind about your intentions.

What do you get from the friendship? Would she be there for you in the same way? Are there any good times where you enjoy her company?

You are absolutely not responsible for her mental health. You have done your best and it is having an impact on your relationship and family.