Finding it difficult to be friends with a depressed person

[Lamaswithhats]

I feel awful writing this. I have been friends with her for about 5 years and for all of those years she has struggled with mental health problems. I have always been there for her and supported her. I’ve turned up when she’s called me at 1am because she thinks she’s going to hurt herself, I answer every phone call, every text message, and try my best even though I don’t fully understand what she’s going through or what I should do to help.

It’s starting to have a negative impact on me and my life now. I know that she can’t help it, and she’s already lost a friend over it this year. Her friend told her she can’t be friends with her anymore because she’s too negative. She just cut her off. I would never do that to her, but I have to admit that she is draining me. I have to mentally prepare myself to talk to her. She texts me every single day and it’s always about negative or upsetting things. I know as soon as her name comes up on my phone I will have to have a long conversation with her, trying to calm her down. Especially because she has no one else. Many nights I have to take myself upstairs to speak to her for hours while my husband is downstairs. He will shout up and ask me if I’m coming back down to watch the rest of the film (for example) and I have to say no I can’t. She texts or calls me at least three times a week saying she is going to hurt herself. When she first started doing this I panicked, I would call her mum or her friends that live closer to her, I’d drive over to hers myself and find her etc but she’s been doing this 2 or 3 times a week for about 2 years now and I am exhausted with her. I have my own family and friends and my own life and this is really affecting all of those things as well as my friendship with her. I paid for us to go on holiday together this year, I asked her first whether she would like it and be up for it and she said yes, but she was miserable the whole time and moaned and complained about every little thing. We got home and she broke down crying apologising to me. I know that she can’t help it but I can’t carry on like this forever with her. Does anyone have any advice please?

I agree with this.
Also she has you in the guilt vs resentment trap, both options are equally painful so you are unable to choose an option and unable to move forward with the situation.

To those of you who can’t possibly understand why I still have her in my life…. Why would I turn my back on a very good friend because she is unwell? She hasn’t always been like this to this extent. I care about her, she is a human being who has brought lots of happiness to my life previously and who I developed a close friendship with when she was in her better days. If you cut someone out of your life who you love and care about because they are unwell then I can’t relate to you and probably won’t be able to take your advice onboard because I don’t agree with your outlook. It isn’t so black and white, people and relationships are complex. I have a relationship with her that is made up of many things. I obviously need to stop enabling this and need to put firm boundaries in place asap. But I in no way want to remove her from my life for good because I know the person that she is without the illness and she deserves a friend, she deserves love and support, instead of even more people in her life that cba with her shit. Yes it is draining me, and I am posting here to ask for ways to manage that, and I have received many many helpful comments on here which have really made me realise that I need to put a stop to this (and I will be doing). But I don’t totally appreciate the comments about why I possibly even still bother with her at all and question why I want to be her friend, as if this is all she is and has been reduced to.

I have been through this before. I've learnt to put my husband and kids first, so wouldn't spend hours on the phone to said friend. Think about your boundaries, what do you want your friendship to look like? I muted my friend's messages, and only checked them once a day. I'd reply nicely and change the subject to a happier one e.g. weather's warming up, how lovely. I wouldn't check it again until the next day. I stopped answering her phone calls. I'd message back saying, sorry just watching a film right now. Prioritise your husband, you shouldn't be leaving halfway through quality time together, for hours to listen to your friend moan. She needs to get a grip and learn to self soothe, you are not a counsellor.

“ I obviously need to stop enabling this and need to put firm boundaries in place asap.”

Yes!

Have you ever asked her "How do you think I feel switching my phone on to 30 distressed messages from you?" That is not a friendship. I totally understand you don't want to desert her. But arguably what you're doing in being there for every text and call is not helping her. As another pp said, she needs to learn to self sooth. DBT can help with that but only if she's motivated to engage.

"I'm not a counsellor and this level of texting and calls is not sustainable for me, it's having a negative effect on me and my families wellbeing". Rather than one call a week could you meet up with her for a walk or some gardening (community gardens always need volunteers) - something active, therapeutic that isn't "just" her talking... Sounds like she needs help getting out of her head?

I understand why you don't want to cut her off and it's not in your nature, so I hope there are ways to manage this without that happening and wish you well. I just wonder if people are suggesting it because your kindness has got you into this position with her where you're better than the friend who cut her off, you're better than the Samaritans, you're the only one and so on, and it's all part of the problem, how she's become so dependent on you and pushed this so far beyond the limits of what's acceptable. This isn't about you being a good friend or not. It's about her illness and the help she needs. As PP said, no one would expect a friend to manage their diabetes. By not managing 'her diabetes', you wouldn't be being a bad friend.

Not the same scenario, I used to be a manager for a large company and we were always, and quite rightly encouraged to take the time to listen to and support our employees. Whilst some needed short term help and support, others began to treat me and my colleagues as their counsellors as opposed to the services they were directed to. It began extremely challenging mentally to constantly have peoples personal issues on your mind, some of which were extremely challenging. In the end I had to leave the role as the pressure to support these individuals became too much and I was verging on a breakdown.

You're a good person OP. Others have shared a lot of useful thoughts I would have said myself, so I won't repeat. I just want to reassure that I've been in a similar situation and found that taking a step back was actually what was needed to protect myself and give me the energy to be of better support when it was really needed (rather than almost daily in a repetitive way). She's become dependent on you when you can't fix this, and it's not fair on you and your family for it to take up so much of your time. The key point from others I'd echo is just be less available to her. Let her know you will be leaving your phone upstairs in the evenings so you can spend more time with your family. If she is really struggling, she should call XYZ professional support. You would love a good catch up once a week (or whatever would work for you).

You absolutely can be friends with someone who has depression, however it’s not her depression that’s taking its toll it’s her selfishness.

I have severe crippling MH problems. When I feel like I’m going to harm myself I call the crisis team if it’s weekend/nighttime type of thing, or I call my CPN during the day and speak to a crisis councillor then and there. If your friend has MH problems that are that bad she will also have these resources.

Most people who are mentally unwell like this don’t put it on our friends and family. We take every bit of professional help we can because we know it’s not fair or in any way ok to be dumping this shit on people that care about us on a regular basis. I’ve found the vast majority of times that those who are consistently in crisis need a lot more help and support than can be provided within a friend or family circle.

You should never be involved with someone else’s mental health to the point it affects yours. You are not responsible for her or her mental health no matter how much she makes you feel like you are.

OP you sound like such a lovely friend but she's using you as a therapist and that's not fair on you.
I have chronic depression and will admit that I used to be the same and lost quite a few friends.

I can't really give much advice for your friend as I know how difficult it is to get help at the moment, but for you - could you have even just one evening per week where you tell her in advance that it's family night and you won't be available until the next day? Then make sure you put do not disturb on your phone.

You can still support your friend, but this won't stop unless you put some boundaries down and keep them.

I say this as someone who has had periods of bad mental health. Depression is like a drowning victim, they will drag you down with them.

Support from a little distance, put firm boundaries in place. Of course help where you can but the onus is on them to help themselves with professional support.

Anyone chomping at the bit to tell me I’m a bad friend and I’m heartless, save your breath.

You’re a good person but unfortunately your friend doesn’t give a crap about you. This will continue for the rest of your life if you don’t stop it. You being there doesn’t actually help her.

She will be texting me while she’s on the phone to Samaritans but basically slagging them off saying they’re not listening to her properly etc

And this is another telling sign. If it happens, I would be inclined to gently put it back to her that if she is texting at the same time as being on a phone with them, then she is really the one who is not listening properly. If she is a good friend, I assume she might be more open to your honest feedback and it may make her reflect.

I’ve been told before by a friend when my partner was emotionally and physically distant and suffering from negative mental health problems that I shouldn’t make it about myself, but unfortunately even though someone who is depressed is suffering greatly, it does also become also about the friend or partner or family member. Life is very short, sometimes we should be ok to say I don’t want to waste my life dealing with this and step away.

You sound lovely but I am pleased you recognize that this cannot continue.

She is trying to stay afloat on your shoulders while you drown, she is being incredibly selfish and not thinking at all about you or your family.

I would also not cut contact completely but I would start to cut it down, much more than what it currently is. One phone call/visit a week and the odd text message. She has professionals around her, these are the people she should be reaching out most to, especially at silly hours of night.

This isn't fair on you at all.

The current situation is having a bad effect on your and your family's lives and while it helps your friend feel better in the short term it isn't helping her in the longer term.
I would talk to her and tell her that your family really need more of your attention and that you're going to be turning your phone off some evenings. I would strongly encourage her to engage with services. I would say that, of course the way in which they care about her is different from the way a friend cares but they will be professional in supporting her.
I would make it clear that you do care and value your friendship.
She may panic at first and there may be some dramatic attempts to engage you but, for everyone's sake stand firm.
There is also the possibility that she will harm herself but that is something that isn't your responsibility and is out of your control.
I agree with the person who suggested trying to do something more active with her weekly rather than spend the time listening to her chat.

Your mistake is thinking that you 'helping' her like this is having the right effect. If she is texting you while she is on the phone to Samaritans she is not engaging with them properly. You have become her crutch and it's stopping her moving forward with the very people who have the professional capacity to help her. Just saying 'call Samaritans' isn't enough, you have to actively remove yourself as her crutch. This is a huge dependency and may be fuelling her anxiety (30 messages is almost abusive to you as well). You are the 'solution' and she's clinging to you.

You don't have to cut her out of your life for ever, but you do need to break this very co-dependent friendship that is way beyond any type of normal friendship and is affecting your own wellbeing and your family time.

You sound lovely, but being firm and not available 95% of the time is the only long-term solution here. The 'old' her would not even behave like this, it is a measure of how much she needs professional input that she is doing this.

To take an example, she may need her medication changing, and that's more likely if she shows the real amount of her distress and anxiety to the Crisis team or her CPN nurse. It won't happen if they think she's kind of stable and then messaging you 30 times or calling all night. It's also not safe for you if she's threatening to harm herself as you don't have the information to make the type of judgement calls that may be needed.

You sound like a lovely, caring friend but you’ve developed a situation with your friend where you are her go- to support and soother 24/7, and you’ve even taken her on holiday! Your relationship sounds more analogous to a parent of a very needy young child, and I suspect that this is the level of need that she feels, rather than coping in more adult way with her MH issues.

This is not an emergency situation such as (for example) the sudden death of a partner or close family member. It will likely continue for as long as you let it.

I’m afraid you probably will hurt her feelings if you step back because she has passed the whole job of soothing her distress, to you. But the kindest thing to do is to step back. Otherwise, I guarantee that one day you simply won’t be able to go on, and will either blow up at her, and/or withdraw completely. The best thing you can do is to step back now (a lot) and offer her (very limited and easily manageable) contact. You need to show her - kindly but firmly- that you have your own life and things that you have to do, and that you’re exhausted.

No one can offer the level of support you have been offering her, 24/7, indefinitely, without training, support or supervision. Please pay attention to your feelings of exhaustion, they are telling you something important.

I think you should do the same as her other friend and cut her loose. It’s unfair on your own family and your marriage and, of course, you. She’s beyond your help.

While she probably hasn’t done it consciously (and I don’t doubt she’s struggling) - she has got you very well trained to respond to her.

she feels lonely + isolated. She threatens suicide. A loving and concerned friend drops her plans / Family time to spend hours reassuring her.

a number of things….

1. threatening suicide is deeply manipulative - if this was an ex or current boyfriend you would be firmly advised to leave him

2. you are not helping your friend develop healthy coping mechanisms if you are a crutch on which she props herself up artificially. It isn’t a tenable solution for her answer to her crisis to be ‘friend will fix it’

3. you can’t pour from an empty cup - she is taking time away from your chosen primary relationships (if you’re cancelling movie time regularly with your husband to talk to her then arguably she is your primary relationship…) - you need space to rest and recharge and experience joy.

what does her mum say when you call her? Why is she calling you instead of her mum or geographically closer friends?

I think you need to set some extremely firm (still loving boundaries) - communicate those boundaries to her and to her other support net work. And stick to them.

suggest things like

• if you feel suicidal you must call and ask for medical help, I am not qualified to help you
• my evenings are really important time with my family - let’s schedule a couple of calls a week on x + x - I can’t answer the phone when I’m running / at cinema / having supper with DH etc. I will call you when we’ve agreed.
• I am not qualified to help beyond listening. I can only listen at X times so I have space for my family / friends / cat decorating side hustle
• if you’re close enough to have the details you could send some of these to her therapist too

I’m sorry that your friend is struggling.

Kindly, this is a you problem. Before I get told I’m wrong - I know it’s a you problem because I was in your position myself not long ago. I answered every text, dropped plans at the drop of the hat for her and was constantly listening to voice notes / phone calls about her problems. I was so drained, it had a negative impact on me.

The reason I realised it was a me problem is because I was the one that allowed her to use me as a free therapist. They are our best friends. We love them and want to help. But we can’t, we can only be there so much. We aren’t bad people for having time away from our phones.

Limit the amount of time you spend with her / texting her. Tell her, x I love you and I know you are struggling and it hurts me but I need space as well. I can help you look into therapists or we can phone for an hour once a week and have a chat. Life is getting really busy for me and I can’t text you all day.

If you are too worried about telling her, slowly distance yourself away. Take time off your phone, say you are having a day off your phone every few times. Don’t jump to reply every time she texts. Give it an hour. Say you’re only available for a phone call every few days rather than every day.

boundaries are free and they work

good luck to you and your friend x

She's latched onto you because you enable her behaviours and jump to her demands for attention. She's being abusive, exhausted your goodwill and you can't "fix" her or make her happy. Be less available, put on "do not disturb" and tell her straight that her persistent behaviour is affecting you and your family and set a short window of time to speak. Why doesn't she call her family if she needs to chat/moan - or have they had enough of her neediness too?

I appreciate your take on the comments you don't agree with but they are not an invalid view on the situation.

You want to "stop a bit" others say "stop altogether" - it's really just a scale of response.

As others have said, she is, it would seem, manipulating you - she needs your attention, the attention she gets from professionals isn't enough anymore....needing your attention isn't the same as "sharing worries and moving forwards from them" - its a different dynamic entirely, one potentially without end....

Obviously, as you realise, she has MH issues, it's unlikely in the extreme that you, or anything you do with her, will fix these issues.

Dont take offence but do you harbour any fantasises of being her saviour, fixing her, curing her? We all like to be the person that makes a difference but honestly, honestly, it isn't going to happen.

Unless you want to hold on to the idea of fixing her it's time to completely reassess the relationship - it seems to me it's gone a long way off what it started as.

I think some of us have hit a nerve with you based on your last update. We can only read what we see, and we commented on that. You became very defensive of your friend and your help. I don't think you will take on board what people are suggesting because you can't see beyond her once having been a good friend. I'm sorry, because I think you are a kind and generous friend who is being taken advantage of.