Finding it difficult to be friends with a depressed person

[Lamaswithhats]

I feel awful writing this. I have been friends with her for about 5 years and for all of those years she has struggled with mental health problems. I have always been there for her and supported her. I’ve turned up when she’s called me at 1am because she thinks she’s going to hurt herself, I answer every phone call, every text message, and try my best even though I don’t fully understand what she’s going through or what I should do to help.

It’s starting to have a negative impact on me and my life now. I know that she can’t help it, and she’s already lost a friend over it this year. Her friend told her she can’t be friends with her anymore because she’s too negative. She just cut her off. I would never do that to her, but I have to admit that she is draining me. I have to mentally prepare myself to talk to her. She texts me every single day and it’s always about negative or upsetting things. I know as soon as her name comes up on my phone I will have to have a long conversation with her, trying to calm her down. Especially because she has no one else. Many nights I have to take myself upstairs to speak to her for hours while my husband is downstairs. He will shout up and ask me if I’m coming back down to watch the rest of the film (for example) and I have to say no I can’t. She texts or calls me at least three times a week saying she is going to hurt herself. When she first started doing this I panicked, I would call her mum or her friends that live closer to her, I’d drive over to hers myself and find her etc but she’s been doing this 2 or 3 times a week for about 2 years now and I am exhausted with her. I have my own family and friends and my own life and this is really affecting all of those things as well as my friendship with her. I paid for us to go on holiday together this year, I asked her first whether she would like it and be up for it and she said yes, but she was miserable the whole time and moaned and complained about every little thing. We got home and she broke down crying apologising to me. I know that she can’t help it but I can’t carry on like this forever with her. Does anyone have any advice please?

You have no boundaries and neither has she. In trying to help her you are actually harming her and yourself. You need to urgently wake up to this.

Tell her you can no longer attempt to support her. You are allowed to protect yourself without self-loathing. See her as she is - someone drowning, grabbing their rescuer round the neck and dragging them under too.

People have to want to be saved BUT they also have to do the work. She's not doing the work she's demanding you do it. You don't exist to be her slave. Time to look after yourself.

Sorry but it does sound like she's using you and you're enabling her. Giving someone with active, severe depression an outlet to ruminate on and air all of their negative pessimistic thoughts and drown in self pity for hours on end doesn't actually do them any good, and I say this as someone who has both worked with depressed people and been one myself. Think about it: if your support was helping her, wouldn't things have gotten a little easier by now?

You're not responsible for her in any way shape or form. I would distance myself straight away. Maybe talk via text once or twice per week for a couple messages, meet up once per month or so if you WANT to. Not out of pity. You deserve not having to be an unpaid untrained therapist every waking hour and she deserves to have friends that actively enjoy her company rather than being there out of pity or a sense of obligation. You're also not doing her any favours, it would be healthier if she could learn that if you behave that way with others they will distance themselves. You're enabling a very unhealthy and unrealistic type of 'friendship' that's very one sided, harmful to you both, and it wouldn't fly with anyone else. I guess what I'm saying is that in the short term it feels nice for you to feel needed and useful, sure, but in the long run it's not helping either of you.

I think that the OP is probably afraid she'll 'do something' like harm herself if she doesn't respond. It's very frightening when you think you are responsible for someone else's mental state. That's why having more people involved, especially making her turn back towards the professionals, hospital, therapist and community crisis teams is the right thing to do, it shares the responsibility OP.

It can creep up on you, I'm sure this has just morphed from a genuinely mutual friendship into something else.

Agree, she thinks she's going to harm herself but she never does.
It's probably because she has obsessive thoughts which feel real.
She might need someone to help her deal with her obsessive thoughts and how to cope etc but it's not your place to take it all on board.
She needs to be careful or she'll end up with no friends. Everyone has their problems and they don't want or need to be taking other peoples on all the time .
We all need downtime to laugh, relax and enjoy ourselves too.

This is why all this "it's good to talk" crap is bullshit. Its a smokescreen fir the crap MH services in this country. Friends aren't therapists, all that happens is that you trauma dump on friends and make them miserable and also make them resent you.
So then you have made your friend miserable and for what? You feel better for a few minutes then hate yourself for making your friend miserable, and know that if or when the depression lifts, you will gave no friends left.
My friends always complain that I withdraw completely when I get depressed, but there is a lot to be said for it. A problem shared is in fact often a problem doubled.

Try a reverse . Try talking to her about your problems. Tell her you really really need to be listened to. I bet she will find an excuse to put the phone down or twist the conversation back to her

I'm sorry about your friend but you also have to protect your mental health and can't put yourself on an altar of friendship as a sacrifice. Strengthen your boundaries.

That sounds like a personality disorder, not just depression.
Two of my family members have borderline personality disorder and behave very much like this.
From long and very difficult experience, you need to decide what boundaries you want to set with her and stick to them.

I'll be honest I thought this too.

Her last message to me said “I’m so so sorry to send you these messages but you’re the only person I can talk to”

People with mental health problems can be really manipulative - whether it's a part of the MH illness or their personality is probably not for us to internet diagnose, but a few things you have said about how she is with you makes me think she is being really very manipulative towards you.

All of this "the professionals don't care, they don't listen like you do, nobody cares about me as much as you do" is really piling on pressure on you to continue to fulfil the role that she has decided that you play - to the detriment of your own needs, your relationships and your happiness. That might be the illness talking, but it is also undeniably selfish and unfair on you.

I understand why you want to continue the friendship, and I support that, but you do have to learn how to stand up for yourself, both in this relationship and I would guess elsewhere in your life. Plus if you don't mind me being blunt for a moment - being there for her as much as you are hasn't improved her situation at all, has it? Because of the aforementioned she has to want to get better, and she has to engage with professionals. You're doing both yourself and her a disservice to continue to be so available for her wallowing.

Well done on the boundaries around animal cruelty videos. You've proven to yourself that you have what it takes to create healthy boundaries, and that's huge! Now to apply more of them.

I have a friend who can get incredibly needy. She's always going through some kind of drama or other and even though most don't seem to be created by her, they do have a funny habit of happening to her, time and time again. I thought she would lean on me less when she got a fiancee, but he seemed to get the best of her and I got only the worst, and that combined with one particularly bonkers week was when I needed to have a break from her and her drama. I didn't do the mature thing and tell her immediately, but I kept phone calls brief "Hi friend yes I can talk but only for 5 minutes" followed up by "So sorry, as I said I have to go, speak soon!" and I let many go to voicemail. Eventually I got the courage to tell her that all of the drama was having a negative impact on me, and I needed to have a break from intensive contact with her, and she respected that. It actually took us months to get back on an even keel, but our friendship was strong enough to handle negotiating the choppy waters and we were honest (and kind) with each other throughout it.

If it's a friendship with a solid foundation, you'll be able to navigate this together. I've had friendships which weren't so well founded break down, and that's because they didn't want to be able to deal with what they were responsible for, and also because I wasn't too good at communicating my needs. If you want this friendship to survive, you need to 1) honour your own needs and 2) communicate them with kindness.

"Friend, I have a need for rest and time with my family. If you have a need to talk to somebody this weekend, will you ring Samaritans instead of me please? Let's chat on Tuesday if you're free then."

"Friend, lately I've been feeling like I'm struggling with supporting you. I want to protect our friendship and I also need to protect my own mental health. I want you to be safe, happy and supported - can we please negotiate a situation where you seek some of that support elsewhere?"

There is a lot of wisdom on this thread especially from people who have their own mental health challenges. You sound like a lovely caring person @Lamaswithhats but you are not a crisis service.

I agree with a PP that being pulled into her dramas and responding to her communications is not helping either of you. I'm afraid I would from tonight make a decision that you do not respond to communications between 8pm and 8am. If she is in crisis there are trained professionals she can call and she knows this. The therapist is not a crisis service either which is why they have given her crisis information without engaging.

When you put in a firm boundary in the past over the animal photos she listened. You can tell her that this is what you are going to do for your own health. I would be kind but very firm. She may not like it, she may get upset but you can't be held over a barrel and you are not responsible for managing her decisions or threats of self harm.

@colouringindoors she sounds as if she is just the kind of personality who would be helped by DBT doesn't she? I wonder if she has been referred in the past. This could really help with learning to regulate emotions in a one to one and group setting. I hope your friend is able to engage with the right help OP.

@Lamaswithhats you know you truly are a really kind caring person. Your husband is really lucky to have you. I don't think there are many as kind and caring as you.

Some on here are brutal and can't imagine a life like your friend is living. It makes it easier for them to say with complete detachment that you should do X,Y,Z.

I think you can be there with lots of boundaries. But the problem will probably be that she will react badly and increase the intensity of things such as suicide threats in response. She might not do that but I sense she might.

I phone Samaritans all the time as my situation is incredibly dire. I wish your friend would do this but I see she's lost all sense of what she's doing to you.

It's not your fault if things get really bad here for your friend. There just is so little appropriate support out there. Meds don't always work and people need to try multiple variations but no one is there to monitor them.

You HAVE to do it though for the sake of your own sanity and other relationships. You need to have boundaries as does every relationship. For example if you’re watching a film with your husband wait until it’s finished. Or let her know you’re switching your phone off at 5pm from now on because you need to wind down for your mental health, no need to explain any further than that. You don’t need to tell her it’s because of her.

I think endless phone calls and texts won't be doing her any good - its keeping her attached to her phone and reinforcing her behaviour; she's probably indoors craving social connection, feeling isolated, but endless texts are no substitute for real life interaction. Get her outside. I would suggest something like..."Hi friend, when I'm feeling bad a walk always makes me feel better. How about we meet for a walk once a week and we can have a proper chat then. I'm struggling to keep up with all the messages and I'm trying to limit my screen time" - and then try and limit your communication to real life interaction, outdoors. Or go to a yoga class together (e.g. accompany to her an activity that will do her good, but where you don't have opportunity to get dragged into long conversations, and also that you enjoy).

And if she doesn't want to do that, then pull back. You can't keep this up and its damaging your life.

This isnt friendship, it’s codependency Op. I think it might be helpful for you to talk to someone about why you’ve allowed yourself to become involved in this unhealthy dynamic and start stepping back, it’s not serving you or her.

You absolutely need to set boundaries with your friend. You might think you are helping her, but really you are just enabling her behaviour. Start with setting a time window in which she can call you.

Her therapist will be checking in with their own therapist. Who are you seeing about this? What would happen if you had you own family crisis, and could not answer your friend's calls?

I have acted similar to your friend in the past, and I lost friends due to it. It took losing those friendships to give myself a shake and properly engage with therapy.

Many nights I have to take myself upstairs to speak to her for hours while my husband is downstairs.

No, you don't have to. You are choosing to and you are prioritising her over your own life, happiness and family in the process.

The Theory section in this page describes the drama triangle and your role in the relationship. I think you'll find it enlightening.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpmandramatriangle

Be aware of how this affects your relationships with other people too- because it will - although you probably don't feel you have space for other friends at the moment anyway.

All of this. OP, are you the oldest child in your family, the fixer, the one who makes it all okay? If so, my solidarity, it's fucking hard. The thing is, you must look after yourself now. I've known her type and she will bleed you dry. Fuck that, and fuck her off. Your matter.

Thanks for all the messages. I think unfortunately, I might have to just distance myself from her or do what I said I wouldn’t yesterday, which is stop bothering completely.

I know I’ve changed my tune, but basically she sent me a couple of texts on Tuesday night. I’d had a long stressful day at work and didn’t feel up to responding. That’s what prompted me to make this post the next day. I replied to her eventually just saying “sorry for the late reply. How are you feeling now?” And she hasn’t responded since. It’s been two days. I know she’s okay because I can see from WhatsApp and fb messenger that she’s been online. But she isn’t replying to me. I’m guessing that she’s in a mood with me for leaving it a long time before responding to her and now she’s punishing me and trying to make me worry about her. I can’t have this in my life. I’m very upset. Thanks for the advice everyone, you're all correct

yes, sadly she is punishing you for not responding to her immediately. she is very unlikely to be doing it on purpose or consicously or in a vindictive way. But she IS doing it.

I clicked the wrong button on the poll by accident. YANBU.

Absolutely to it not being conscious, probably, but absolutely to it being intended to have an effect. Which is that the OP redoubles her efforts, is apologetic for not replying immediately, re-commits to taking care of her friends etc etc.

The best thing @Lamaswithhats can do is to not follow up on her original reply, just to leave it. Not to be the one to get in touch again.

Yes I agree and I’ve already made the decision to leave it. I’m not messaging again

Very good chance this is what happened with the other friend... Sadly.

Just wanted to comment on this
Why would I turn my back on a very good friend because she is unwell?
At some point it's not "turning back on", it's saving yourself.