Finding it difficult to be friends with a depressed person

[Lamaswithhats]

I feel awful writing this. I have been friends with her for about 5 years and for all of those years she has struggled with mental health problems. I have always been there for her and supported her. I’ve turned up when she’s called me at 1am because she thinks she’s going to hurt herself, I answer every phone call, every text message, and try my best even though I don’t fully understand what she’s going through or what I should do to help.

It’s starting to have a negative impact on me and my life now. I know that she can’t help it, and she’s already lost a friend over it this year. Her friend told her she can’t be friends with her anymore because she’s too negative. She just cut her off. I would never do that to her, but I have to admit that she is draining me. I have to mentally prepare myself to talk to her. She texts me every single day and it’s always about negative or upsetting things. I know as soon as her name comes up on my phone I will have to have a long conversation with her, trying to calm her down. Especially because she has no one else. Many nights I have to take myself upstairs to speak to her for hours while my husband is downstairs. He will shout up and ask me if I’m coming back down to watch the rest of the film (for example) and I have to say no I can’t. She texts or calls me at least three times a week saying she is going to hurt herself. When she first started doing this I panicked, I would call her mum or her friends that live closer to her, I’d drive over to hers myself and find her etc but she’s been doing this 2 or 3 times a week for about 2 years now and I am exhausted with her. I have my own family and friends and my own life and this is really affecting all of those things as well as my friendship with her. I paid for us to go on holiday together this year, I asked her first whether she would like it and be up for it and she said yes, but she was miserable the whole time and moaned and complained about every little thing. We got home and she broke down crying apologising to me. I know that she can’t help it but I can’t carry on like this forever with her. Does anyone have any advice please?

Have a close friend of 20 years in a similar situation- it will be giggles and farts life long relationship x You cant fix this & she isn’t being selfish - she has no cognition on impact this has beyond her own needs.

Be honest - she can always message you but you won’t always be able to message her right away or reply are you about Tuesday grab a coffee & go for a walk.

You quoted what her other friend said to her when she backed off. Were you there? Or are you taking what your friend is saying as truthful?
I think she is using you as a therapist and is dumping everything on you. She's a leech and is taking your peace of mind and family life from you. Do you have a saviour complex? I don't mean that in a bad way, I know I've been prone to that in the past. It seems that this 'friendship' has always been a one way street only; you give and she takes.
I hope the conversation goes well, although I doubt it will. Definitely switch off your phone at night. Is there a chance she would turn up at your house? If so, get your husband to answer and tell her you are not available. You said she contacted her therapist late at night, so I reckon your friend will trample over your boundaries. She will draw on every emotion to get to you so be prepared. Good luck

You can’t put a stop to this without hurting her feelings - she’s got used to a 24/7 punchbag, wailing wall and enabler and she’s going to hugely resent you putting appropriate boundaries in place.

MH professionals won’t let her treat them like this because they know it is hugely damaging for her (as well as them knowing they have a right to a life of their own).

If it helps you take a step back, you could start by realising that you are massively impeding any therapeutic process she might make - why should she work on her MH when you are always there to prevent her from hitting bottom?

yadnbu. This is Waaaaay too much. I'm someone who's experienced poor mental health and supported family members with severe depression. Neither I or relatives would dream of imposing thos much on a friend. Multiple messages a day snd it sounds like calls most days is extreme. As other pp have said, evrn though you've provided an incredible amount of support, she's not improved. And the strain on you is significant. You also gave a family to support alongside your own well-being.

While I feel for your friend I think it's entirely reasonable to say you can't be there gor her in the same way going forward. Better to have this type of communication than cutting her off. One call a week, for example.

Just to also add that Samaritans are great. She could even phone them every day and someone would listen. I would stress how helpful it might be for her to call them when feeling utterly panicked.

Urgh! Just reading this exhausted me and you’ve put up with this for 5 years?! What does she add to YOUR life OP? Friendship is a two way street.

I’m sympathetic to people who struggle with their mental health but no way would I be able to invest this much time in someone else unless it was a one off crisis (e.g. death of a relative) It’s ok to say enough is enough. You are not responsible for another adult. As many posters have said, there are many agencies/charities that can help but she doesn’t want to engage. That’s on her, not you.

So for the 5 years that I’ve known her, she’s always struggled with her MH, but it’s been worse over the past 2 years. For the first 3 years she didn’t really involve me in her struggles as much as she does now. We got very close and she was one of my best friends (still is but the relationship dynamic is now obviously different ). She is a very caring person, she will do anything for the people she loves, I enjoyed spending time with her, she has been there for me in the past when I’ve been through struggles (although I’ve never had any struggles like she does). At the moment she is selfish and seems like a completely different person but I know it’s because she’s unwell.

Mental health is a serious issue but don't forget the importance of preserving your own mental health. You must put yourself first because no one else will.

You sound incredibly kind, caring and patient but you may well be unwittingly enabling her in this vicious circle. She clamours for your support, you give it, then pretty much immediately she needs you again. It doesn't actually seem to be helping her, it's just going through the motions. What she needs is a change of tack and commitment to engage with professional help.

When her other friend distanced herself, did anything change? Did she get worse? I will bet not. So distancing yourself (not necessarily completely but setting some firm boundaries) will not make her life worse but yours should be immeasurably better.

Friendship is a two way thing. I don't mean transactional but it should be rewarding for both of you. This one sounds very one way.

A lot of you are saying that she has to want to help herself and I completely agree. Sometimes she does things that she knows will upset her, but she does them anyway, as if she looks for them and then sits dwelling on it. For example there’s been a few times where she will send me stories about animals that have been mistreated and then she will spiral and go on an emotional tangent about how she hates the world and humanity etc etc. she does have clinical depression but then she makes it worse for herself. I snapped and had to tell her to stop sending me links and pictures of such upsetting things because I don’t want to see it. She apologised and since then she hasn’t sent anything. So she does listen and understand, but she’s just got so much worse lately. Her last message to me said “I’m so so sorry to send you these messages but you’re the only person I can talk to” sometimes I will look at my phone and have over 30 text messages from her.

There’s so much useful advice here and you’ve all said so much that makes a lot of sense and has made me realise a lot of things. I’ve read every response and appreciate your help, thanks!

Suggest her calling the Samaritans - it is literally their job to talk to people like this.

Agree. I had to go NC with someone like this (not threatening suicide I must add). Constant texting, “can I ring?” Couldn’t give a shit about me or what I might be doing. Trashed every boundary I tried to put in place. All or nothing. I chose nothing.

“I’m so so sorry to send you these messages but you’re the only person I can talk to” sometimes I will look at my phone and have over 30 text messages from her.

I really feel for you, but this is totally untenable - to put it all on you and then deluge like that, plus the guilt-tripping with the apologies. You really have to be firm here and not be this 'only person' any more. Please draw a line, kindly but firmly. You said last time you snapped - understandably so, with those links. This time be calm and clear - 'Being the only person you can talk to is too much for me and I can't give you the help you need. I'm not going to be checking messages or taking calls for the time being but we can meet once a week (or whatever suits you) and if you need help otherwise please call the Samaritans. I love you and I value our friendship but I need to look after my own well-being too." Something like that and stick with it, don't be drawn in by another deluge.

And they work shifts, and have training, and support in setting and maintaining boundaries.

Man if you don't act now she'll be on your doorstep with a bag for you to look after her full time. You've enabled this for too long.

Too many people want to be rescued these days, it's exhausting. You need some firm boundaries put in place here and stick to them.

Use your DND for starters and spend some time with your family

Maybe she could do with a social prescriber. Apparently they're quite the good thing for those who struggle and need someone to talk to. It takes the burden off friends and family.

Agree with the poster above who talks about asking people what support they need/what would make them feel heard and the person not knowing the answer or replying that they don't know what's available. Seen it a lot.
I used to be like you OP, but in my work life. Then I got sent along to a really great mental health course via work, but one that talked about how to help people in your personal lives too. Two lines stuck out at me, the classic 'you can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm', and the other was 'unless you are this individuals mental health medical professional, you have no idea if what you are doing is actually making things worse' and drew a comparison to this exact situation - by being there on tap for her, you could be, without meaning to, hindering her recovery - you could accidentally be reinforcing anxious thoughts for example (there's lots of ways people do this without realising)
The woman who ran the course had worked in mental health for 20 years and then been involved outside her direct line of work, in local community groups, volunteering etc, and she said the narrative of 'talk to someone' ie don't keep it bottle up, is a double edged sword, because people then think you are being cruel by saying 'you need to talk to a professional, not me' - you wouldn't go to your best mate to manage your diabetes, would you. She said that in her many years of work, she only ever met a handful of people who would credit a friend or family member for their recovery, and those support people were all mental health professionals. Whereas she met endless amounts of people who had the realisation that leaning on their friends so heavily had totally stalled their recovery or made things worse.

What I'm trying to say is - don't look at setting boundaries at letting her down, look at setting boundaries as being the right thing for her long term, because you are simply not qualified to know if what you are doing is helpful beyond the time she is physically on the phone with you.

Does she ever have better days? Picking your moment is going to be hard, but maybe you could frame it as 'I've got additional responsibilities at home for the moment, so just wanted to warn you that I might not be on my phone as much' and then move the conversation straight back to what charities she could contact ooh, what advice does her doctor give. It's really hard, but if someone broke their ankle and kept complaining it hurt, you would be constantly saying 'go to A&E', you kind of need to take the same tactic. I know support is shaky, but there are charities she could ring if she is at risk of SH etc.

Yabu, to view this as a friendship. It is not a healthy dynamic happening here. You cannot "fix" her.

The thought of sitting down with my family having a lovely evening in, while I know she’s having a breakdown at home and I’m ignoring her makes me feel horrendous and guilty and I just couldn’t do it

Why on earth does it make you feel guilty? You have a right to enjoy your life. She's sucking the life out of you

Put her on mute and respond to her in your own time. She needs professional help or she’ll drive all her friends away

As a few others have said I don't think depression is the only thing going on here. I've had depression 3 times, and while they all felt differently a common theme was withdrawing from everyone around me.

Your friend sounds like she's searching for drama to keep you worrying and her in the spotlight. Your her audience, not her friend.

I don't understand why you'd want to keep this person in your life, but since you do, you need some serious boundaries. You are worried you'll hurt her, but she clearly doesn't give a shit about the impact she has on you.

This is very informative, thank you. And makes total sense. It’s also one of the reasons why I find it so difficult and stressful, because I don’t want to say the wrong thing and then make her worse. Every single time she comes to me with this, I mention professionals and Samaritans etc. I never try to just deal with it on my own, I tell her every time. And a lot of the time she does. She will be texting me while she’s on the phone to Samaritans but basically slagging them off saying they’re not listening to her properly etc

I am going to take the advice of everyone here and simply stop answering at certain times and telling her as gently as I can. I think she will understand but I feel like she’s so fragile that I don’t want to be the reason that she feels even more alone and worse about herself. It’s hard

Completely agree. And if she was really having a breakdown, you can't help her, she'd need professional help. As the very wise poster above said, think instead how you're very likely not helping and could be actively harming her recovery. You don't know what you're doing and she's not getting better by sending you 30 texts - even she knows it's not healthy for her to be bombarding you like that but she clearly can't stop herself so you have to put a stop to it, stop facilitating the spiral. Sit down for a lovely evening in with your family. Why do you think you don't deserve that? Perhaps you need some counselling to understand how you've got into this hole and how to get out of it? You are not her saviour, at all.

x-posted. Very glad you're taking @Foxblue advice on board. It makes sense.

If this was a partner and not a friend, my comment to you would be that MH is not an excuse for abuse. Which is what this behaviour is. It's manipulative and controlling. I would tell you that your partner needs to make progress themselves and show that they are committed to doing the work. Complaining to you or to Samaritans or to other professionals is NOT doing the work. And I note that whether she's talking to you or a professional, it does not help. She needs to be proactively coming up with solutions. For example, it's interesting that you told her to stop sending her the animal stuff, and she did... similarly, soetimes, just doing all the listening is not actually helping because nothing you say will change her mindset. Instead, she needs to stop talking and start doing. Find a therapist perhaps who specialises in CBT and who will offer tools and tricks to help.

Tough love I'm afraid,

"Friend, I love you. But I cannot be your emotional support, particularly as it doesn't actually help you. You need to be actively working to improve your mental health. Currently, endless talking to me is not helping you and it's taking away from my time with my family and for my own mental health."

My brother is like this. I often think how selfish his behaviour is- I know he is ill but I also think that life can be difficult for everyone and really it’s up to each of us to take responsibility for our mental health and make the required appointments and try to manage it without involving everyone else who are also busy living their lives. Honestly I don’t think there’s much you can do - I would slowly try to drift from her; really you are enabling her to continue as she is because you’re her safety net; and maybe if she couldn’t lean on you she would seek proper help which is what she needs in order to live a normal life. It’s tragic but that’s the truth. You could try and just give her a phrase like ‘oh I’m so sorry to hear that’ and then talk about your day or another bit of news; shift the focus from her doom and gloom. If she is really leaning on you every day YANBU of course this is excessive for an adult and one who is not your own child!