Finding it difficult to be friends with a depressed person

[Lamaswithhats]

I feel awful writing this. I have been friends with her for about 5 years and for all of those years she has struggled with mental health problems. I have always been there for her and supported her. I’ve turned up when she’s called me at 1am because she thinks she’s going to hurt herself, I answer every phone call, every text message, and try my best even though I don’t fully understand what she’s going through or what I should do to help.

It’s starting to have a negative impact on me and my life now. I know that she can’t help it, and she’s already lost a friend over it this year. Her friend told her she can’t be friends with her anymore because she’s too negative. She just cut her off. I would never do that to her, but I have to admit that she is draining me. I have to mentally prepare myself to talk to her. She texts me every single day and it’s always about negative or upsetting things. I know as soon as her name comes up on my phone I will have to have a long conversation with her, trying to calm her down. Especially because she has no one else. Many nights I have to take myself upstairs to speak to her for hours while my husband is downstairs. He will shout up and ask me if I’m coming back down to watch the rest of the film (for example) and I have to say no I can’t. She texts or calls me at least three times a week saying she is going to hurt herself. When she first started doing this I panicked, I would call her mum or her friends that live closer to her, I’d drive over to hers myself and find her etc but she’s been doing this 2 or 3 times a week for about 2 years now and I am exhausted with her. I have my own family and friends and my own life and this is really affecting all of those things as well as my friendship with her. I paid for us to go on holiday together this year, I asked her first whether she would like it and be up for it and she said yes, but she was miserable the whole time and moaned and complained about every little thing. We got home and she broke down crying apologising to me. I know that she can’t help it but I can’t carry on like this forever with her. Does anyone have any advice please?

I could have written this post a couple of years ago , same as you, f monopolised my time with all her problems threatened suicide , said no one was helping her despite everyone helping her , if I didn't answer immediately an inquisition in to what I was doing and why I wouldn't answer no regard for the fact I have my own family and problems to deal with, I stopped answering late night drunken calls and she created so much self sabotaging dramas to draw me back in. Covid was a blessing I couldn't meet up and eventually the long abusive messages got too much for me I reached a breaking point and decided I was wearing myself out for no reason and just stopped answering. She now doesn't talk to me and has all her family not talking to me, but that suits me fine.

You should not feel guilty about withdrawing your support – in fact I think you should feel the opposite, because it's not only the right thing for you but it's the right thing for her. You feel as if you are helping by supporting her, but you actually aren't – because it makes no difference. None of anything she has in place right now is helping – in fact some of it may be hindering. She needs to change what she is doing in order to see improvement, and that includes relying on you. In a nutshell, I think withdrawing yourself is most likely a positive thing in whatever the next steps are for her, and you should see if as an opportunity for her to make some changes in her treatment/rehabilitation.

Yes, the silent treatment as a punishment. Had all that. Querying what I was doing one Saturday evening because the length between her texting and me replying was too long for her liking. So much more but I can’t be bothered to relive it. Absolute drain on me and anyone else who she latched on to. No one put up with her for long. I was the last man standing. She knew nothing about me and my family even after about 15 years. Not replied to a text from her for nearly 2 years but I occasionally get No Caller ID calls and I’m pretty sure it’s her because she works in a building with multiple phone extensions for a public body. It’s not scam calls because they usually call on a number that can be checked. Utter menace. People like this don’t go away easily. They will try to hook you back in. Stand firm for the sake of yourself x

Now block her

Be prepared for her to paint you as the selfish friend, not replying to her calls etc. Don’t fall for it. You’ve gone way beyond most people would do, but you get to draw the line somewhere.

Yes. I realised after I left a job where I had done a lot of taking care of a fragile depressed officemate (including doing grocery runs for her when she was off on longterm sick leave, lending her money etc) because I did feel for her, as she was on the opposite side of the world from home, working in a fairly toxic environment, and had had a relationship end very cruelly -- what I realised was that she hadn't 'seen' any of my efforts. It was as if they had never happened. The home visits, advocacy for her at work, listening to her troubles, money were all invisible.

Once I stopped supporting her, I just joined the other people who were 'selfish'.

Don't ever give more than you can afford emotionally. If it's taking a toll on your own life, it's a sign you're doing yourself a disservice, and the person you are 'helping' too.

I hope you are OK OP

Sounds exactly like my ex-friend, so much so I'm wondering if its the same person. My ex-friend (I'll call her Jane) was amazing when we met, so much in common, really good fun, we had each others back from day 1 through difficult times, it was very equal.

Then after about a year she turned into exactly what you described and more. Jane would take an overdose and go and lie down in the street to be found, and then pretend she didn't know why she was in hospital.
Janes would message "good-bye" then switch off her phone. Go message "I need to get away" and switch off her phone for days at a time until everyone was looking for her.

I started to feel exactly as you described and my other friendships were struggling because I spent so much time having to prioritise Jane, exactly as you described, because she told me everyone else had abandoned her (not entirely true her family were always on hand to support)

Jane was sectioned but would actively harm herself or threaten to whenever she was due to go home, it got to the point that the hospital would call ME to ask me to help them support her. It got far far too much.

The last straw was Jane pulling the "goodbye " card when I was on holiday with my partner, I felt as though she was punishing me for going away.
Jane then TURNED UP at my holiday destination and pretended she didn't know I was there.

Like a previous poster said, this isnt depression its BPD and it's really hard to disengage because of the threats of harm and the manipulation, telling you everyone else has left her.

You really need to look after yourself and focus on your own wellbeing. I agree your friend is punishing you now but she will be back.

OP, I've a friend like this. She was the life and soul of the party but something dreadful happened and now she has severe mental health issues that are no longer being treated (her choice.)

It's been a roller coaster over the last 16 years. I understand the really big emotions but at times she sucks the life out of me and has ruined events in my life. She has imposed her emotions on me (and others) at the most inappropriate times and has crossed boundaries that has cost her lifelong friendships.

She's not only traumatised but she's now, at times spiteful and proud of it. I know my friend is still in there but she was impacting my mental health too. So I put hard boundaries in place. I stopped picking up the phone when it didn't suit me, I also gave her a silent ringtone so no more late night interruptions or disturbing me if i went out to dinner, I made my own plans and stuck with them and ignored her if she contacted me. If she starts getting aggy with me, I end the call.

It has taken YEARS but I think we have a healthier dynamic.

And FYI, she punished me too when I agreed to meet her at a certain time and she wanted to spend the whole day with me. I didn't chase either, I left her to process it and come back but I wasn't chasing.

You can be a good friend without being her personal Samaratan. If I make the above sound easy, believe me it wasn't and I do suspect we will drift in the future. She's great at collecting friends but loses them too.

Give yourself a break, you've been a great friend the question will be, she has she been a good friend to you?

OP it sounds like she is manipulating you.
Most of us think of manipulators as people who are evil and purposely trying to control us but it’s not always the case. I have known a great many people who think others should modify their behaviour in order to accommodate their mental health issues. It’s very controlling and really not fair.
By ignoring your last text where you apologised for not replying sooner, she is showing her hand there. She wasn’t like this for the first two years because she didn’t know she could get away with it then, as soon as she realised she could call on you night or day, it ramped up.
If a romantic partner was treating you this way, I would be telling you to end things. Her happiness if not your responsibility and I find it hard to believe that not one single other professional she has spoken to hasn’t been helpful.
OP, she doesn’t want to get better because she isn’t trying. What she wants is your attention and validation which is why she will never take your advice - she doesn’t want advice from you, she wants you to be available to her at all times. Let me guess, does she ever start telling you all the horrible things she thinks about herself? Because you will respond by telling her how wonderful she is?
This is not healthy and you need to start subtly pulling away. If she is really your friend, she will deal with it.

Mental illness is awful. But just as you can’t provide 24/7 physical care for a friend, you also can’t do it with emotional support.
This advice from a great therapist helped me - by providing so much back-up, you are actually not helping the person needing support. Never mind your own wellbeing which is suffering, present it to your friend as such - you can’t help the way things are. It’s not working for either of you. Another piece of advice came via the Samaritans - even with self harm or even suicide, you can’t stop someone, so please stop feeling guilty.
You must prioritise your own health, wellbeing and family life. You deserve it. Sadly, your friend is stuck in that groove where she feels a therapist who is trained can’t help her - but you can! You can’t.
You can listen, but right now it’s not helping.
The best thing you can do is offer more pointed time gently involving an activity. Frame it as her helping you - you need to a get out a bit more yourself, your GP has recommended it. If she says no then it’s time to set a boundary.
It’s hard sometimes to deal with someone who is permanently depressed. You aren’t trained to deal with it and even a therapist will only engage in short bursts.
Luckily you have an understanding DH but I hate to say it I don’t think your friend is equipped to care if her behaviour impacts your marriage.
If your friend has a therapist she is able to access support not available to many right now. Even then, a therapist can’t do the work.
Please take of yourself OP. You have your own previous life and deserve to live it and not feel guilty about enjoying it, either.

I agree with this
That moment of weakness when you share alllll your feelings and thoughts with someone can often come back to bite you in the arse. The shame and guilt you feel afterwards is often not worth it, the potential strain on your friendships… and that’s if you can trust them to keep it to themselves. Well-meaning friends tell their partners everything you have said, they may tell other friends, before you know it you are being gossiped about

I’d bet my house on her having borderline and you’re her favourite person. It’s a very toxic place for you to be in, but also she is coming from a place of unbelievable pain, distress and confusion. You absolutely need to put boundaries in place and sounds like she needs a proper diagnosis and DBT.

If you haven't already, have a look at the link somebody else posted about the victim/persecutor/rescuer triangle. She moved you from rescuer to persecutor.

Your job is to not buy into it. Well done for stepping back.

I agree. I've been in a bad way, never dreamed of calling anyone at 1.00 am. You're not her saviour. Look after number one.

Oh OP I'm really sorry she's treating you so badly after all the support you've provided.

At least it makes your decision simpler. Take care.

Somebody once said ‘you arent responsible for someone else’s happiness’ and it’s true you cannot make another person happy.

You can only balance all the calls on your energy as best you can, your friend has to take charge of her own life. You are her friend and wish her all the best in her life, but she should also do the same for you. She should understand you have responsibilities too and want you to be happy.
it cant be a one way street.

@Lamaswithhats how are you doing?

Just to say, I've been in a very similar situation. A friend struggled with her mental health and drove people away with the intensity, until there was only me left.

It was the last few weeks of my dad's life ( terminal cancer) which she was aware of and she asked for more and more support from me. It was only when someone pointed out how bonkers the situation was that I was giving her so much support - ultimately taking time away from my dying dad that I eventually drew a boundary and said I had to protect my own mental health.

The texts/ contacted stopped pretty quickly and she completely cut contact with me. She had manipulated me when I was in a vulnerable place and the friendship was over for me.

Since then I have worked on assertiveness and awareness of boundaries and would work urge you to.do the same.

It looks like I might not have to have the conversation with her after all. She hasn’t spoken to me since Tuesday

I had this with my ex friend too , silent treatment as punishment. I can guarantee there'll be a drama soon that she needs you for . Stay strong also watch out for accidental phone calls

I'm going through this now with a neighbour; expect there to be a terrible crisis some time soon. She might deal with it on her own then drop hints about how hard its been; but if she demands you help, tell her to call 111, her GP, or emergency services.

Your role in the drama triangle had moved from rescuer to persecutor, but don't worry, she'll soon give you a chance to return to rescuer through her next, exaggerated drama.

The irony being, you probably enjoyed the silent treatment and took it as a bit of a break!

Yes I did but also lived on the edge of knowing the abusive messages were about to ramp up , no contact now for a couple of years which is difficult in a small town but everyone has an idea of what went on . I have a peaceful existence now

lol!