Finding it difficult to be friends with a depressed person

[Lamaswithhats]

I feel awful writing this. I have been friends with her for about 5 years and for all of those years she has struggled with mental health problems. I have always been there for her and supported her. I’ve turned up when she’s called me at 1am because she thinks she’s going to hurt herself, I answer every phone call, every text message, and try my best even though I don’t fully understand what she’s going through or what I should do to help.

It’s starting to have a negative impact on me and my life now. I know that she can’t help it, and she’s already lost a friend over it this year. Her friend told her she can’t be friends with her anymore because she’s too negative. She just cut her off. I would never do that to her, but I have to admit that she is draining me. I have to mentally prepare myself to talk to her. She texts me every single day and it’s always about negative or upsetting things. I know as soon as her name comes up on my phone I will have to have a long conversation with her, trying to calm her down. Especially because she has no one else. Many nights I have to take myself upstairs to speak to her for hours while my husband is downstairs. He will shout up and ask me if I’m coming back down to watch the rest of the film (for example) and I have to say no I can’t. She texts or calls me at least three times a week saying she is going to hurt herself. When she first started doing this I panicked, I would call her mum or her friends that live closer to her, I’d drive over to hers myself and find her etc but she’s been doing this 2 or 3 times a week for about 2 years now and I am exhausted with her. I have my own family and friends and my own life and this is really affecting all of those things as well as my friendship with her. I paid for us to go on holiday together this year, I asked her first whether she would like it and be up for it and she said yes, but she was miserable the whole time and moaned and complained about every little thing. We got home and she broke down crying apologising to me. I know that she can’t help it but I can’t carry on like this forever with her. Does anyone have any advice please?

i wonder who she’s latched onto now?

I guess it may feel a little strange for you, having all this free time, not waiting for the next call or text.

Possibly a little hurt also that she’s able to drop you so suddenly, after all the support you’ve given her.

@Lamaswithhats I’m glad you are having some space right now. Unfortunately I think it’s unlikely to last and she’ll try and drag you back into her life. The claims that only you can help and she’ll hurt herself etc. if you are not helping her are very manipulative. I don’t doubt she has MH issues but she is not trying to get well in a healthy way. You do need to pull back and I suspect with this woman there is no half measure. You’re all in or you’re all out. I’d be all out. And would have been a long time ago. This is very damaging for your health.

This is exactly how I’m feeling. I’m angry. After all of the things I have done, she stops speaking to me because I didn’t reply to her texts fast enough? I’m assuming that’s the reason anyway, because I can’t think of anything else? I’m angry that I’m being treated this way. It was nice last night though to sit with my husband and daughter and watch trashy Saturday night TV with some snacks without any interruptions or stress. I feel more free but also very hurt and angry

Her presentation really is classic borderline or NPD. Both are fond of the punishment block, often at dizzying speed for minor infractions in spite of years of devotion to them. Take comfort from the fact that God himself wouldn't do a good enough job in her eyes!

You could actually be unintentionally making tge problems worse OP by being at someone's beck and call . She has zero reason to try to cope or develop any methods of improving things when she's in a crisis. See it as empowerment but it has to reduce. You sound lovely but you're not there for this.

If a partner was doing this to you we'd by crying narcissist and leave the bustard.

DH was friends with an ex colleague for years. She had moved to the other end of the country but she messaged him constantly. It was all about her mental health problems and relationship issues (she was in a ridiculous relationship which was never going to work), she made out she was suicidal all the time so he felt trapped into always replying.

Then one day he was in hospital very unwell and he told me to message her back to say he would reply when he got home. Never heard from her again. Not once.

Personally I always thought she was a narc and her relationship with DH was just to make her feel good. She never even messaged to ask how he was, it showed exactly what kind of person she was.

You’ve every right to feel hurt and angry OP. Most of us feel that way when we realise we have been taken in by someone like your ‘friend’ the truth is, though, most of us have at one point or another and are likely to again. Don’t let her change who you are and absolutely offer support to the next person, just be wary of boundaries in the future.

What will you do if you hear from her again?

You can't live like this, it's not fair.

I’m not sure… I suppose it depends what she says. I feel like I will just ignore her and move on. That’s what I want to do. But when/if it comes down to it I don’t know

She's using you as an unpaid therapist, it goes way over and above normal amount of friendship support.

She's not a good friend, if she cared about you she wouldn't off load and use you like this.

That’s probably for the best.
I imagine she is angry with you right now, not only for taking a while to text her back, but because you haven’t contacted her again since. She probably thinks you will cave before she does but I doubt very much that will be the case. Stand firm OP!

I’m sorry it’s come to this (I wonder if she’s found this thread?).

Some people are vampiric, parasitic - not in a nasty way, just that they need fuel from other people (and it really is a need), and when they’re in such a bad way that they can’t see beyond themselves what they need (eg constant attention and support, exactly in the form they want) it becomes like a drug. They don’t care about the damage they inflict on the way, they need their fix and will trample over anyone to get it. Including, sadly, the person they want the fix from. But they almost can’t help it. They’re really not well.

You don’t figure in this at all, really. The impact of you leaving her is likely to be worse for you than for her. I hope she has support from professionals and tries to actually help herself rather than use other people as crutches to limp through life. It’ll be a lonely life for her otherwise, as well as difficult for you.

Sorry to read your update. She’s just a user it seems. And perfectly able to cope without you as her emotional support human

I hope you're ok OP. Supporting someone with severe depression is utterly mentally exhausting. They will never give anything back and it can drain the life out of you. Please take some time to focus on the good things you have in your life and you'll need time yourself to recover from this experience (perhaps some counselling too). Don't underestimate the impact this has possibly had on your own mental health. I've been in the support role to someone with severe depression too - it took me to rock bottom

yes, the above is true. Don't under estimate the effect it has on your own mental health. She's dragging you into her depression. Don't be so angry about her silence, she's not well. Even if the worst comes to the worst, and she does commit suicide, it it NOT your problem or fault.

I have just cut someone off for being exactly like this. They're their own worse enemy - I actually think they thrive off the drama they're creating. Need a good wake up call and to start pulling their socks up and take responsibility for themselves. She absolutely can help it and I'd be having it out with her. I almost feel like you're enabling her in a way.

You need to put yourself first.

I feel much better after stopping speaking to my drain. Whatever I was going through was nothing compared to her and there was always a big drama going on. I don't even believe it's mental illness, it's pure selfishness and attention seeking.

Some people love being the 'rescuer' in the drama triangle. I know, because I used to be that person.

I know it sounds harsh but ask yourself if there was any part of you that enjoyed being needed. If so, and you can accept that, it'll be much easier to move on from the situation. And vow never to be a rescuer again!

The factbthat she has broken the pattern should make it easier for you to launch the conversation you need to have about her behaviour.

I mainlined a podcast last week called The Coco Berthmann story. Whilst it is pretty extreme, I do wonder if your friend has some of the traits of that woman. Episode 8.5 speaks to a psychiatrist who flags this type of behaviour, constant crisis, needing constant attention, needing to be a bigger priority than your own partner/kids, lack of empathy for the impact they have on you, particularly with self harm and suicide threats. Then when you confront them they just move on.

He flagged that it was classic Borderline Personality Disorder. https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorders/types-of-personality-disorder/#BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD

@caplin I also listened to that pod and it was astounding how much the behaviour of coco was like my ex friend , its crazy how I couldn't see it while I was in it

You have become her care taker and the relationship has changed. You must start stepping back. Your friend may have something far more complex than depression such as personality disorder or bi polar and this may be why there is no real therapy or treatment working. I would always start off speaking with her on the phone with “have you called therapist? Have you contacted mental health professional?” Before engaging in any chat with her, so she is aware that is your suggestion in contacting professionals who can help rather than you. She has never hurt herself despite years of threats, so it sounds more like a cry for attention , so your best bet is to point her in the direction of help and encourage that, before going about your day. You can always text later and ask if she did contact them, and suggest it again if she hasn’t.

@Lamaswithhats - how are things?