To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Drinks plus food plus travel in and out of London plus a hotel room for people travelling from some distance away? You think it’s not going to cost each guest close to that amount?

I’ve read the OP again. It’s in January, after the expense and hassle of Xmas holidays. Make it as easy as possible for people to attend re location and costs.

Mumsnet can be really weird about these type of things. I don't know whether it's regional or just because there are clearly some quite affluent people on here who mix in the same type of circles.

OP for what it's worth I have NEVER been to a party (other than house parties) where drinks have been provided. Admittedly there's usually a buffet on but I would also not think twice about it if I had an invitation to come and celebrate a birthday in a reserved area of a bar. In fact for my 40th I did the same thing and just told everyone to eat beforehand as I wasn't catering. If anyone thought I'd committed a social faux pas no one said it to me and we had a fabulous night!

Do it your way and have an amazing time

That sounds really really shit for a 40th celebration. 😄

They're having drinks in a bar in town. I'd imagine they have friends that would be up for that if it's been arranged and they'll spend the evening/night with each other and have fun.

Not trailing in and out of their small home like they're visiting to pay their final respects and going home again.

The only error the OP made was asking about it on here. I have never in my life seen the response to this sort of thing than I have on here.

People outraged that they have to buy their own meal in a restaurant if they're invited for dinner. It's so bizarre. The assumption that if you can't afford to do that you're tight and rude is awful. Most people can't.

I have different groups of friends and I can say in none of them would anyone turn up to birthday drinks in a bar expecting food and drinks provided.
Reserving an area means just that, having a space you can gather without fighting for room in a busy bar. Sometimes you get seats and somewhere to ditch your jacket/bag too which is a bonus.

@FiftynFooked you've never been to a party where drinks have been provided?
I went to an engagement party at a hotel in London. We were greeted with drinks, and wine was provided at each table, as well as food.
I do wonder if there's a cultural thing here.

@CandidHedgehog it's not going to cost even close to that amount unless they're drinking loads of expensive fancy cocktails and using a car service.

For a couple maybe £200 including Ubers. That's a normal night out. They can go or not!

People keep talking about how much food will cost the guests. I've never ever gone for drinks in a bar and ordered food or expected food.

I've eaten at home before I go or after I've left. On a rare occasion the assembled persons may have decided as a group to move on and go get something to eat together, but that's not the norm.

The invite is for drinks, not a meal. The reserved area is to guarantee space for everyone.

If you’re broke then go somewhere not so smart where cocktail sausages etc will be fine and at least you’ll be able to offer something.
if the aim is to have a get together with friends it shouldn’t matter too much that it’s not a posh bar.

YABU. If I couldn't afford to lay on some catered sandwiches, I'd have it at home.

If you're broke (which I am too so totally empathise) just go for drinks at 'The Nag's Head' and scrap the fancy reserved area in a London Bar!

You'll probably enjoy it more anyway! Prices will be more reasonable for a start, and there'll be no expectations of fancy nibbles. All anyone really needs to enjoy a night out is good company, a bag of cheese and onion and a glass of whatever they drink.

Why go through the angst of 'will they expect posh food and Prosecco' when you have no money and will be worrying about being judged!

There's a lot of people on this thread who get hard for cocktail sausages. Such a strange attitude that supplying your guests with the worst of the worst ultra processed food is somehow better than the perfectly legitimate activity of just going out for drinks.

Unless these fictitious friends are flying in from overseas and then staying in a five star hotel, no it won’t cost £500.

I have friends who often stay over in a Premier Inn because they live too far out to get the last train back after a night out. With this amount of notice, the Premier Inn will be about £70. So they will probably be spending £150 or so.

It’s going out to a bar for drinks to celebrate someone’s birthday. I really wouldn’t expect food - if you arrange to meet friends in a bar no one thinks food will be provided surely?!

Sorry you’re broke, OP, but other people are broke too. An expensive London bar at dinner time but no food provided is not a great choice. Host a few folks at home instead where the price of one bar drink could get you a bottle of wine.

If you're broke (which I am too so totally empathise) just go for drinks at 'The Nag's Head' and scrap the fancy reserved area in a London Bar!

There isn’t generally much difference in price, honestly. I was in a Young’s pub in zone 4 last weekend and it was £15 for a cocktail and £8 for a pint. I was in Forza Wine in the Southbank about a month ago, and that was actually slightly cheaper.

It's absolutely astonishing how many people on here don't understand the concept of a birthday night out in town. I can only conclude that there are people that lead very sheltered lives and don't go out for drinks very often, if at all. Either that or it's the usual MN crew that like to make those worse off than themselves feel guilty for not being able to throw wads of cash around.

The OP hasn't organised a party or a meal in a restaurant. A group of friends are getting together for drinks , the reason being it's their friends birthday. No one out drinking is bothered about there being sandwiches in a bar. They will have eaten before going out. No one wants a free glass of bloody prosecco, they want to choose their own drinks. Seriously, who drinks that stuff anyway 🤮. Some of the suggestions about having people pop in for tea and cake are just ridiculous. They want a night out FFS. They're a group of 40 year olds. Even the 80 year olds I know would think some of these ideas were crap.

Op referred to smart bar not allowing cocktail sausage cheapo option so clearly something she could conceive of.

You're doing a lovely thing op. Just be clear in the invitation wording.

I agree you're not being mean, everyone should celebrate within their means, otherwise it's stress and debt just to please others... And that's not a celebration.

Any friends worth their salt will understand and won't be so entitled as some of the people who've replied here.

This is the crux of it. People seem to have taken the fact that OP has reserved am area of the bar as elevating it from drinks with friends to an even she's hosting and therefore needs to cater. It's such a weird distinction.

Would all these people who are offended by buying their own drinks not be offended if she hadn't reserved an area but had just given a time? It just means there's going to be a couple of tables held so they can all sit or stand together easily. That doesn't change it to being a party or anything else.

Have you made it clear you won't be paying for drinks or putting on food?

I did similar for my birthday last year. Had a room in a nice pub. The pub did do cheese/ charcuterie boards so i did spent like £50 so there was a bit of food milling about. It was basically going out for a drunk but it's a small pub so I did make sure I reserved the room just so there was enough space for people.

It’s because OP lives in London, and people on here lose their minds when people mention London. People think she is already giving herself airs and graces by living in “that London”, and now she even expects to socialise where she lives! What a liberty! They should stand in a huddle in the rain outside her flat and she can hand out cans of special brew, it’s what I did for my 40th and everyone said it was the best birthday party they’d ever been to.

There’s somebody upthread who thinks you can’t have a drink in a bar in central London and get change from £500. Somebody else who imagines their friends are flying in from around the world, rather than getting the train in from Orpington. It is quite bonkers.

No one meeting at a bar would expect their drinks to be provided though. Occasionally there might be some money behind a bar but generally not.

Nope! Other than weddings where there may be food on the table. I live in the Midlands though. Middle income, as are most of my friends and family. Certainly don't have any friends with the wherewithal to host a party in a London hotel

Sorry that should have read "wine on the table"