To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

I'm always comfy. Thanks for the concern.

So next time a get a message from a friend saying "We are going to X for a drink for my birthday, would be great if you could come" I should expect food laid on and at least the first drink free?

Noted.

This.

What you are saying, is you want your friends to pay out for a swanky London bar and you are offering nothing in return.

It is common curtesy to put on some food if you are inviting people for a party.

Mind, I find your comments about "asking dh for money for some food" really bizarre. Surely there is a "What's mine is yours" commitment at the time of getting married.

I lived in a very small apartment once and did this for Christmas one year. It was casual, but everyone had fun. Since it was "drop by" there weren't any expectations of a meal per se and most people had one drink, a bit of a snack and went on their way. It can be done.

You think drinks in a London bar costs £500?

We went to a family "party" that was just like that. It was at a club. We did expect to be paying for our own drinks; what we didn't expect was that there was no food to be had at all - the venue only provided food at fully catered events. There was not so much as a nibble!

It's fairly common in my circles to say "hey as it's X's birthday we're going for drinks. We have booked an area at Y. Please feel free to join us". No one expects food or drink to be provided. It's a get together not a party

There does seem to be an element of “ooh, get her! Going out in LONDON, who does she think she is?” here. OP hasn’t hired the Ritz, it sounds like it is just a standard bar in central London, where drinks will likely cost the same as a pub in central London, or in suburban Bromley for that matter.

If OP and her friends all work in central London, it makes more sense for everyone to go to a bar in central London straight from work than it does to finish work, travel an hour home, then travel back another hour across London later to wherever OP lives to eat a piece of Asda vanilla sheet cake standing up in OP’s living room because there isn’t space for more than three people to sit down, then travel two hours back across London to wherever they live.

The first is a normal Friday night out, and I’m sure OP would know if her friends can afford it or not because presumably they go out to bars semi-regularly. The second option is what you suggest if you don’t actually have any friends.

Can your guests afford this smart bar? And will enough turn up and then order enough to warrant the reservation

I ask as I've been to plenty of events in smart bars where this has not been the case and they've always ended up being a bit of a disaster

Like others have said, it can absolutely be a thing, in some contexts/circumstances. You've kind of singled out the elements that would point towards maybe food/drink 'ought to' be provided but there are other things that would make it not necessarily cringe at all to not do it.

Take the travel element, OP says people would be 'travelling' to attend and you're clearly imagining a substantial effort and hassle for the travellers, but take this as a counter example. Amongst my DD (who admittedly is a little bit younger than 40) 's friends, most of them have moved to a greater or lesser extent out of London because of housing costs (some just to suburbs/outskirts, some further afield) but London is very much still the centre of their social world, they are young professionals with disposable income and no family responsibilities and the group very frequently meet up for celebrations and nights out either in central London or someone's house - any gathering with any degree of celebration or formality, even the most casual eating a pizza at someone's house entails travel for some, particularly for those that have moved further out. It's not a big deal for them to travel, and most of the group would find central London the easiest and most convenient place to meet rather than it being a huge imposition or hassle. I really don't think it would occur to any of them therefore that just because this weekends 'party' has meant some of them travelling that automatically means food/drinks must be provided to 'compensate' in any way or that it would be cringe to not do so. They all really like to go to fancy cocktail bars (and piss away all that money they've saved from living at home!) so again I really doubt that they would expect one of the group to pay just because this weekends trip/choice of bar is in honour of their birthday, since most of the group would have been out in a similar way and spending similar money regardless, if you see what I mean? It's a totally different circumstance to a formal 'party invitation' and people making a big effort to do something they absolutely normally wouldn't because they feel an obligation of some kind to the birthday person.

We just don't know which kind of context it is for OP and her friends - she's used more of the language of a casual get together than a formal party so for me I'd say it's closer to my dds example than yours but we don't actually know...

Ouch. 😢

Maybe it's just me but I'd find a way to feed my guests. At the very least canapes.

Very different having a series of friends dropping in by themselves for ten minutes to eat a quick piece of cake, and a group of you going for a night out.

Not least because if your friends are scattered across London, the likelihood of many of them travelling over an hour each way to pop round your house for a quick snack is pretty low.

I’d go into London for a night out with friends and happily pay for my own drinks. I wouldn’t schlep all the way from Brixton to Wembley and back for a couple of Dorritos and a quick bottle of Estrella round at somebody’s house even if it was free, and especially not if I thought I’d be the only person there when I got there.

I’d pop round if it was local, and I’d travel for a house party or barbecue. I wouldn’t travel hours to pop in for ten minutes. It just isn’t worth the time it would take.

Not to be argumentative, but couldn't you say, It's X's 40th and of course I'll pop by to wish a happy birthday?
Even if it's not as classy as you like, or are used to, it's your friend and you were invited? Maybe you could lower your standards for that?
I wouldn't be serving Doritos, btw, but if I did my friends wouldn't care because God knows we've all overspent in downtown bars... been there, done that. Know what I mean? 🤷‍♀️
Anyway, was just trying to let OP know you don't have to go to a fancy place then worry about how to host. Isn't it about the company?

I wouldn't say it's a party.
I wouldn't be offended, but unless it's was a very good friend, I wouldn't go.

Stick with what you're doing for him, as you can't afford a party.

Honestly, if it was two hours each way and just for ten minutes? I wouldn’t. It just isn’t worth the travelling time for me. It has nothing to do with the classiness or otherwise (I like Doritos and Estrella, I was trying to give an example that wasn’t cake). It’s the distance.

If they lived round the corner yep, I’d pop in. If it was a big party going on all day (which OP says she doesn’t have space for), I’d traipse across London and back. But central London is so much easier for most people in outer London to get to than expecting people to travel from Orpington, Walthamstow and Morden over to Ealing or wherever. Especially if you work in central London anyway and can just meet up after work. So 99% of the time, that is where we meet.

Is it a surprise party?
If not , what's his view?

I would always get a couple of bottles of bubbly for the first drink for an event like that. Even when I only made 22k a year. If you're the host and you're taking people out it's kind of expected.

If he's wanting to organize the party he should pay towards it though.

I can appreciate that. ☺️
And likewise, if you/guests were travelling, and I expected you to attend, I'd want to provide a decent meal. OP needs to settle on the type of birthday she wants and can provide then manage expectations. If all invitees are on the same footing then she might get a bunch of No's (pricey drinks/food might be out of reach for guests).

No London 40 year olds want to trek across town to someone's house to eat a slab cake and sausage rolls! It's just not the thing. Starting time is everything, if I was going straight from work, I'd get a snack before I left and turn up at the bar around 7ish. I would not expect food. I don't think I've ever eaten canapes in a bar in London except at corporate weird events. Dinner is dinner. Drinks is drinks. No one expects dinner if you write 'celebrating X's birthday with drinks at bar Y'. You would turn up and buy the birthday person a drink during your own round.

It’s not really a party, is it? I think the fact that you’ve posted here asking suggests that you have some inkling it’s not particularly generous.

IMO if you say come by for drinks, then people might not turn up, for all sorts of reasons. If you want to make sure they do, and you give them the date and a RSVP or just a follow-up chase, that’s more formal as a party. Did you say it was in January? People might be skint then, even more important to ensure they comit to coming. They might pull out on the day if they know it’s not a big deal etc.

@Lifeofasd1 I cant fathom how anyone could possibly think this is acceptable,,it's tight snd really rude

Have you not read the thread? Many, many people have already explained how in their social circles, it's totally acceptable, not tight and not rude.

It may not be the way you do things in Ireland, but newsflash, we're not all in Ireland - including the OP.

If OP was confident that meeting up with no food and drinks provided would be considered normal in her circles, she wouldn't have posted.

For my 50th, I hosted a summer party, but also had a meal and drinks in town for my actual birthday (midwinter birthday, formal arrangements often spoiled by weather). It never crossed my mind to wonder if people would expect anything provided at the meal - because it's normal for my friends and family to pay for themselves at these events, and because it is midwinter so the money may be wasted if it snowed. So that's your 'get-out' if you need one, OP

But when OP says "I would have hosted a party at home but our place isn’t big enough" it really does feel like an excuse. No-one's place is too small. I've hosted parties in a bedsit. But hosting parties is expensive (unless you get people to bring everything and don't do decorations), and I do think OP sounds a bit like the priority is the night away.

You could always have a 'proper' party somewhere in summer, OP? Give you chance to save up?

I think it's all about expectations. You said you're inviting people to a 40th birthday party : something to eat and drink is expected (not open bar though)

If you say "Who wants to stop by X to say happy birthday to DH" then nothing is expected.

But why, if you're skint, choose a pricey smart place where drinks/food are expensive? Friends with limited means just as yourself will have to pay a lot just to drop by and say happy birthday, that's not cool. Go to your local pub then atleast you can offer some crisps and nuts and maybe a welcome drink. You see this is what I find a bit offensive : you want to go to a pricey smart venue and force his friends to spend a lot. That is cheeky.