To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Must be a Midlands thing to understand the concept of "going for drinks" means "we're just all going out, provide your own"

No, it's pretty universal. It depends how you frame it. For the OP, I would probably ask if I need to eat first. Or if it was early drinks would leave early to get food.

Can you cancel the night away, spend that money on some fizz on arrival for everyone and some shared bar snacks?

So he shouldn't get the night away for HIS birthday so he can subsidise his friends boozing?

But OP is the one who might be being a CF?

I can't with MN sometimes

"It's your birthday so if you want me to celebrate with you then give up things you have/enjoy to provide for ME. Otherwise you're a cheeky fucker..."

I'd rather get together with some friends in a reserved corner of the pub and buy my own drinks and celebrate their birthday (and still buy a present, not act like my presence was gift enough!) and hear about their birthday trip than go to something they've spent a fortune on and them say that was all they'd done for the birthday because it was all they could afford.

I agree. 'We're all meeting up at xxx for xxx's birthday' is universally understood as we'll be buying our own/rounds in my experience. I've been to dozens and nobody would expect anything else. Different if it's in a hotel or place where you hire a room but even then I wouldn't expect drinks to be provided and maybe a buffet (of varying quality/amounts).

Out of interest, where do you live that “let’s all go to the pub on Friday” means “I’ll be paying for twenty people’s bar tabs all night long”?

I don't think you are mean op. The problem with MN is that you are pitching to a range of budgets, and everyone is chipping in with what they would do for their dh's bd.
A relative had a party at a local pay bar club, and was very clear on the invitations that she had booked a room with a band. She said she couldn't stretch to a buffet, so in lieu of gifts asked everyone to bring a plate of food. It was fine, no one was offended and we enjoyed the party.
I don't live anywhere near London, but as travelling around London is so easy, would be happy to join a get together like the one you suggested.

Given that most weddings don’t even have a free bar, it is just wild to me that some people think you can’t have a birthday celebration unless you can afford a free bar in a pub all night long for all your husband’s friends.

Our work Christmas party doesn’t have a free bar. Why would after work drinks for my mate Rebecca’s 30th have a free bar?

I'm a Midlander too. It's less of a cultural thing and more of a "we don't earn a 6 figure salary" thing. I'm from a middlish background, and have only ever attended one wedding with a free bar all night.

"It's DH's birthday on xx. We would love it if you could join us for drinks on xx at xx swanky bar from xxpm"

Is all you need to say.

MN apparently

There's a huge difference between providing an open bar all evening and supplying a welcome drink and the tiniest amount of food to soak up
Alcohol.

I mean it's fine not to provide anything but that needs to be made clear when letting people know about the event.

It also seems off to me that OP is trying to arrange this plus night away plus present on a shoestring budget when she should have access to joint finances. The DH may prefer to provide his friends with some initial drinks seeing as they are coming out to celebrate his birthday.

I think booking an area and organising the night is more than enough, wouldn't occur to me there would be a free meal or drinks unless it was a wedding...and even then a free bar isn't a given!

I mean, if it was a party at someone's house or in a hired venue I would expect some form of food, but if the phrasing was - 'we're going out for some drinks to celebrate X's 40th, we've reserved an area at [bar]' then I wouldn't particularly.

I’m curious if there’s a minimum spend…

There might be if OP was hiring a function room with separate staff, but just reserving a couple of tables in the main bar area wouldn’t usually have a minimum spend, no.

I don't know if you're deliberately pretending not to understand or whether you're really struggling because you're conflating several things to present what you seem to imagine is a 'gotcha'. It isn't.

For the hard of thinking then. If you invite then you're hosting and you're paying for your guests to attend.

For 90% of events then:
Most people are not hosting (from what so many have said on the thread), they're essentially giving people the name of a venue and the time to be there. Nobody in those circumstances would think that their meals/drinks would be paid for. That covers all the 'meet in a bar', 'go out for food' events, whether they're for a birthday or not. It is quite normal to do a shout out for friends to attend. What has also become normalised though is extremely bad manners is to pretend that you're hosting when you're not. If you're not hosting then you're not inviting people, you're informing them of event/venue/time and no invitations are needed.

If you confuse hosting guests with a 'shout out to friends' then don't be surprised when attendees are confused. If this were as cut and dried as so many posters are saying then OP wouldn't have needed to post this thread at all because her scenario would be the usual thing. It isn't and even OP knows or at least senses that.

You’d be surprised! A lot of bars do, but fair play if this doesn’t.

Only in the stupid section.

I have been to plenty of celebrations that are just drinks but it is usual for the host to buy a first one for everyone. It should be made clear on the invite but be prepared for lots of no shows. In my experience people attach less importance to an invite If there is no food or drinks provided, even people normally sticklers for politeness will not see it necessary to let you know.

Thanks for all the replies!

Update I've told DH about it and he's very happy to pay for some food and drink. They've got some nice sharing platter type options.

I'm also gonna specify no gifts as its a good point that people will bring them and we really don't want/expect them. We just want to have a good night out and if people come along that is a gift in itself 🙏

Also feel that I want to point out I couldn't give a shit about social media! For those who said this is for social pics?!!!! Non merci.

'we're going out for some drinks to celebrate X's 40th, we've reserved an area at [bar]'

This would be the perfect thing for OP to use for what she wants and could add:

"space reserved from x until y.

That sounds good, OP, I hope you have a great time.

I don't get it at all.

If you confuse hosting guests with a 'shout out to friends' then don't be surprised when attendees are confused.

Please explain exactly how the invitation differs in your mind.

Why are you struggling financially and "D"H can afford to pay for drinks for his mates?

This. It's not a party, just a meet up in a bar.
So you need to make it clear.