To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Right. I do think it's a cultural thing as well. People I know who can't afford a venue host in their homes and are very generous with food and drink. It's about hospitality I think. When I was young, you couldn't go to a friend's house without their mum persuading you to eat your fill!
If someone comes to my home, I'll always provide something.
Anyway. Different strokes.

Another suggestion, if you are living close to the area where you have booked, why not host the keet uo at your place and make a small spread and some drinks and say meet here at X time and we will head to the bar if you want to us us at X time?

At partys at a function - my family have never provided drinks, a small buffet and I usually want to eat and dont eat cause I don't like/can't eat the stuff. A bar I pay for myself, same for a meal. I'm shocked reading the comments, I clearly needed educating for when I come to situations like this! 🤣 It does make sense though when you're travelling. Like if a friend travels to stay with you and pays for train fayres or fuel and its like not feeding them in your home (albeit cheaper) .

I agree about choosing a cheaper venue. It doesn't have to be a spit and sawdust pub with bacon sandwiches on offer, but an expensive bar in London might mean that people won't stay for long unless you have wealthy friends.

I went to a 70th in our local (nice) pub last year. The birthday person had laid on several bottles of prosecco in ice buckets for people to help themselves. Anyone wanting a different drink could buy one.

The landlady had done a huge roast ham (her speciality) with sides of roast potatoes, stuffing and apple sauce, plus breadcakes (I'm in Yorkshire ) for the guests to help themselves.

I love the sound of that, @RampantIvy ! Good Yorkshire hospitality 😋!

If it were a local place similar to where your friend group regularly socialise that would be one thing, but inviting some of your husband's close friends from further afield is another.

I would be so embarrassed to suggest friends travel in to London yet offer them nothing. If I were your husband and I wasn't even aware of the arrangements and realised there and then I'd be doubly embarrassed.

And another thing. Simply stating that you are "skint" doesn't cut it. Why did you pay to hire a space? On top of booking a trip away , and buying a present to open ? Why do you have to do everything? Choose something and do it well. It's easy to be generous when you are using others to do so.

Why did you pay to hire a space?
Where does it say she's paid?

I think much depends on what the norm is among your friends.

If there are some different norms and budgets then it can be tricky. I'm guessing I live a similar distance out of central London to some of your friends. The babysitter alone would be about £50.

I have been to a couple of extended family 50ths over the last year or so. At one, my mum and I ended up buying a couple of bottles of sparkling wine and handing them round because it was so, so, obvious that the guests were expecting this and it hadn't been provided. We could afford to do that but it was a bit annoying when the host wasn't hard up, just a bit socially awkward (there was food and cake). It really helped and the conversation started to flow.

At another, the host hadn't checked on dietary stuff nor shared the menu so I had to sneak off and buy my own lunch because there was not one thing I could eat. Again, no big deal, host not hard up, just no practice in hosting.

I have never been to a "number" birthday where nothing was provided, however.

Same here. My friends didn’t have formal engagement parties at all - most people just told everyone they were now engaged, and people bought them a drink next time they saw them. Hiring a hotel and arranging catering and free drinks sounds more like the actual wedding reception to me…

I’ve been to house parties, where usually there isn’t any food at all but the host will put some beers and ice in the bath. I’ve been to bbqs where some food and drink is provided but you still bring plenty yourself. My social circle doesn’t really do dinner parties but obviously I’m aware of that concept as well. And I’ve been on nights out, where everyone pays for themselves. Even weddings are usually a paid bar.

So no I have never been to a party in a hired venue where the food and drink were completely free. Because that would cost thousands of pounds, and most people do not have that sort of money to spend on a birthday. Most of my friends can afford to spend £50 on drinks in a bar every once in a while though.

@plasticmack Surely it depends on the message to the friends further afield?

My DH arranged a birthday get together for me last year. He let my Brother and a couple of close friends who all live a distance away know that it was happening but as the OP herself has said, with no expectation to attend. None of them did, but I wouldn't have wanted them to get wind of it after the fact and feel like they'd deliberately not been invited.

Also, you realise that London IS local to people who live in London, don't you?

Can you cancel the night away, spend that money on some fizz on arrival for everyone and some shared bar snacks?

I think the risk with your plan is that (as you can see from the responses here), some people will be disappointed.

I think doing that for someone else is risky.

You better be sure you know where he sits on this, would he expect a welcome drink or whatever in this situation?

You are essentially doing this party on his behalf so I think it could backfire if it’s not the way he would want ‘his’ guests to be treated.

Just to clarify, I'm not implying if I spend £50 on a babysitter that means my host owes me something! But this buy your own drinks in a bar in central thing could easily add to £100 or £150 all in (and possibly no dinner) and I would definitely have to weigh up how much I liked the person for that 😂.

In the OP, she didn’t say is was local, she said it was easy to get to. I don’t live in London but it’s easy enough for me to get to due to good transport links.

It's not the food that's the issue, it's choosing somewhere expensive as by what you have said and reserving a section, different to just meeting up in a normal priced pub which do exist even in central London (got 2 g&t's for under £10 right near Charing Cross last month! Not Wetherspoons either)

I think @NotStayingIn's advice is good.

BIL tried to throw a big surprise party for PIL once (BIL hard up and tried to do it on the cheap/get us to pay).

I told BIL that PIL would not want it done on the cheap. He ignored me.

When PIL figured it out they took over! As I predicted 😂. It was a lovely party in the end.

I would organise some nibbles. I think it's a bit rude if it's a celebration and you're exorcist people to buy their own drinks. If you're paying for drinks that's better but still weird not to have some snacks which I assume would not be much compared to drinks.

Why are you feeling the slashed income? Does DH not contribute more to you if you're on maternity since he's not on maternity? It's his 40th. Get him to buy the food bit.

This is because you live in a house with enough space to do that - we are middle class Londoners, in a completely normal London flat, and we have a living room that just about fits a two seater sofa and a small bistro-style dining table. That’s it. Galley kitchen, so nobody is socialising in there. No garden.

If I have people round, I’m limited to two people plus me and DH, and even then one couple has to sit at the dining table and the other sits on the sofa, we can’t all sit together. Fine for coffee or one friend coming round to watch a film, definitely not suitable for a birthday party.

Sounds lovely OP. I always think it an honour to be invited to celebrate a friend’s birthday - like others in the minority here, it wouldn’t occur to me that I was entitled to free drinks or food for a small drinks gathering. In fact, I’d want to buy my friend a drink on their birthday without the expectation of something for myself.

I think if you have mentioned to the guests you have reserved an area in the pub it suggests more of a party rather than just meeting friends in the pub for a drink and in this scenario I think possible people would be expecting good

These replies are crazy. What you are proposing is absolutely fine. Just make it clear to guests.

"Hi. It's Dave's 40th and I'm taking him into London for the weekend. We'd love to celebrate with our friends so on Saturday night I've reserved an area in [swanky bar] for us. Please let me know if you can make it - it'd be great to see you."

If I received that ^ I would not expect anything laid on.

I agree that the implication is there. I would just word it to just ask them to join you for drinks to celebrate your husband's birthday. Don't even mention the reserved space.

BTW DH has an early January birthday and never feels like doing much as he will have over indulged over the Christmas period.

See to me it suggests that there'll be space in the pub for us. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Same.

Edited as originally got autocorrected to sane but both stand!

Parties go each way in my experience; fully paid, nothing paid, or just serving platters. I'm going to a 40th next week and just checked but actually have no idea from the invite, so I presume I'm paying but maybe something will be laid on.

I would be very upset if I discovered that a friend was sending themselves broke to supply me with a few sausags rolls, or considering not having a party because they couldn't afford drinks, instead of just saying to join them. OP - please don't listen to this lot, it's a very old fashioned approach to fret over hosting. Just have your party and let everyone pay for themselves. True friends care about people not money.

Same as @Grex. If I thought a friend was under the illusion that providing Prosecco that is disgusting and half the attendees won't want was worth putting themself under financial strain for I'd be horrified.

Which goes to show that the guests will have different expectations and it needs to be spelled out that it is more like a load of mates going to the pub, albeit somewhere more upmarket with a private space.

I would go to something like this then leave after an hour or so to get food.