Anxiety filled day out

[Becomingabookworm]

My partner is often making me feel anxious. He has told me I am defensive and blowing situations out of proportion when I bring them up but the reaction I feel in terms of anxiety is out of my control. There's a lot of examples where I feel I have to manage my behaviour to avoid situations but can think of recent minor issues on a day out that made me wonder if he's actually causing my anxiety.

Partner suggested a day trip with the dog to somewhere neither of us has been but would be a 4 hour round trip. I suggested another scenic area which was 2 hour round trip and involved a nice woodland walk that I have done before, we went here.

1. we went for lunch and I sat with my elbow on the table afterwards as I felt quite full and he snapped at me to sit up straight and stop slouching. I felt it was totally un called for but he said I was embarrassing him and he wouldn't have to tell me off if I didn't behave like a child. I had an elbow on the table propping my head up while we waited for the bill, not slouching over.

2. the walk that I had suggested, I'd been here before but before owning a dog. It turns out there was a bit of a drop on one side and he spent the whole walk huffing that the dog couldn't run around so we turned back early and continued on that we should have went to the location he suggested. There were lots of other dog owners and we just had to make sure our dog was under control. He gave me the silent treatment for much of the rest of the day and complained a lot about where I'd suggested for the day out.

3. there were roadworks on way home and the sensor at lights didn't pick up the car in front. The car in front turned around and he told me to get out of the car and go and wave at the sensor. I did this and then turned round to check he was happy with it and walk back to the car but I could see him gesturing aggressively and frantically for me to get back in the car. When I did he asked if I was stupid as when the lights change I needed to be in the car - I was out of the car for 10 seconds to do what he had asked and the light was red.

From what should have been a nice day out, I came home feeling anxious and wondering why I'd fucked the day up. I think it all seems minor but made me feel very self conscious and anxious.

AIBU for feeling anxious about these incidents? Wondering if I need some counselling about the anxiety and taking things personally or if his behaviour is also problematic.

Point one alone would be grounds for fecking divorce for me, seriously. The day my husband snaps at me like an old English grandmama to mind my table manners will be the day I get a new patio put in and mysteriously become single.

In all seriousness though OP he treats you and speaks to you appallingly. This isn't normal, he's a prick, and you can 100% do better. Being single would be better. I bet if you left him your anxiety would decrease exponentially!

what a horrible man! The way he speaks to you and treats you is terrible

Seriously? I actually felt stupid writing this post thinking everyone would say just to grow up or something or that I'm being unreasonable for slouching or having my elbows on the table!

This is a horrible way to be with someone. I feel really sorry for you OP, if he is like this often I do t think he deserves to be with anyone

It shouldn't be like this. It should be fun and easy, not miserable and anxiety inducing.

Yeah it is honestly all the time. He would tell me off for the way I park my car or how I chop the veg for example so find myself worrying about how I carry out those simple tasks

I apologise OP. It appears you are in a relationship with my arsehole ex!😂Do what I did , give him the shock of his life and show him the door. Tell him I said hello

Huge 🚩🚩🚩
He’s already chipping away at your self-esteem. Eventually your sense of self-worth will be shot to pieces, and all the time it will be because you’re ‘too sensitive/behaving badly/embarrassing’ etc. Don’t stay with him, op. I’m as certain as I can be that you’ll regret it, if you do.

He's plain horrible.

He's undermining your confidence. He's also appallingly rude. TBH it doesn't sound as if he likes you, let alone loves. Why are you putting up with it? Next time he criticises you stop what you are doing and tell him to do it himself. And mean it.

Bin this controlling, inadequate wanker! Immediately. You and your dog deserve better.

You may feel at the moment you are not strong enough or couldn’t make it alone - that’s NOT TRUE. Can you get some support from friends? xx

How long have you been putting up with this shit?

How easy is it to end this ?

You deserve better

I've known far too many men like this over the years. Moodiness, control, sulking, impossible standards and general shitty selfish behaviour seems to be in quite the monopoly amongst their sex. Once they get the notion that they can get away with it, they'll push it ever further. They haven't got the mental capacity or sensibility to realise that one day you'll pack your bags. Which is exactly what I suggest you do OP.

Absolutely seriously! He's your partner, not your dad, him policing how you sit is horrible and controlling. Unless you were having lunch with the fecking king I think a bit of slouching and elbows is completely fine, especially if it's after you've finished eating. And even if he's a snob who genuinely has a problem with it, there's a way to speak to you about it that isn't snappy and demeaning.

I've been with my husband for 18 years and he's never, not once "told me off" for something (or given me the silent treatment, or called me stupid!) It's just not how you speak to your partner!

@Becomingabookworm

Point 1 - wtf?!?!? I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone that treated me like that.

Point 2 - a 4 hour round trip is not nice for a dog to be stuck in a car for that long, even if the walk in the middle is fun.

point 3 - unnecessarily aggressive. You did what he asked. Again, I wouldn't tolerate this.

How long have you been with this person? He doesn't sound very nice!

I was all ready to come on and say how anxiety can affect your life and maybe get treatment. Then I read your whole op. Your anxiety will get a billion times better when you bin off this miserable mood hoover. It's not you, it's him. Your anxious as you're walking on egg shells waiting to trigger him, which incidentally is for stupid non stuff that shouldn't even enter his head.

You're not stupid. He's an inadequate little man. Your life will be much more relaxed without him in it.

Sending you lots of good luck, as it can be tough suddenly hearing everyone saying similar.

Who the fuck does he think he is?!

He sounds foul OP, and completely inadequate. Just get rid of him.

I've been with him for 5 years. He's always made small comments about how to do things or if I chopped the veg unevenly for example, he'd take the knife off me and do it himself while giving me a lesson on it. Also remembering after our last holiday we had a long haul flight home (12 hrs) and he didn't speak to me the entire flight as i'd been sat on my phone texting, even though we had been together for 3 weeks. When we discussed it afterwards it was all about my behaviour. I don't know why I've never really thought it was unreasonable but he always justifies it and I feel that I'm wrong.
I think it was the back to back succession this day out and it made me think wtf is going on. It all seems like tiny things but amount to me being so anxious.

Did you grow up with a really critical parent? You could be repeating the pattern with this overly critical nasty man. I expect all your anxiety issues would vanish if you broke up with him

My ex was like this, but in different ways. I'm not an anxious person, but the levels of stress I felt trying to manage him not kicking off was mental, I felt like I was balancing on a tightrope juggling plates. Equally like you, it wasn't the big stuff, but all the small things added up. The phrase death by a thousand cuts is so apt here.

What's your housing situation. Could you leave?

I can tell you, walking downstairs in my own home. DD upstairs asleep, and me having a coffee in my hand and just looking at the garden saying to myself no one would make me feel like that again was worth every second of the stress of separating.

Run, don't walk. You don't have anxiety, you have an abuser. Women's Aid would tell you the same thing x

He is vile but you think his behaviour is normal and you are the one in the wrong.

His behaviour screams narcissist to me, yes I know it's over used but essentially he spent the day punishing you for not agreeing to his original suggestion.

He will never change, no one who can be reasoned with behaves so consistently unreasonably, so don't waste your time trying. Free yourself from this awful man.

Your partner sounds almost like a narcissist!

I'd have awful anxiety issues if I was treated like that. You're meant to be an equal, not have him controlling your behaviour.

I'd be asking him for some time out and see how you manage away from him for a couple of weeks.

YANBU. Your partner is a bully. He will destroy your mental health-no wonder you’re anxious. That sounds like a horribly stressful day out.

A sentence that leaps out for me is 'when we discussed it it was all about my behaviour '. He's never going to change.