Anxiety filled day out

[Becomingabookworm]

My partner is often making me feel anxious. He has told me I am defensive and blowing situations out of proportion when I bring them up but the reaction I feel in terms of anxiety is out of my control. There's a lot of examples where I feel I have to manage my behaviour to avoid situations but can think of recent minor issues on a day out that made me wonder if he's actually causing my anxiety.

Partner suggested a day trip with the dog to somewhere neither of us has been but would be a 4 hour round trip. I suggested another scenic area which was 2 hour round trip and involved a nice woodland walk that I have done before, we went here.

1. we went for lunch and I sat with my elbow on the table afterwards as I felt quite full and he snapped at me to sit up straight and stop slouching. I felt it was totally un called for but he said I was embarrassing him and he wouldn't have to tell me off if I didn't behave like a child. I had an elbow on the table propping my head up while we waited for the bill, not slouching over.

2. the walk that I had suggested, I'd been here before but before owning a dog. It turns out there was a bit of a drop on one side and he spent the whole walk huffing that the dog couldn't run around so we turned back early and continued on that we should have went to the location he suggested. There were lots of other dog owners and we just had to make sure our dog was under control. He gave me the silent treatment for much of the rest of the day and complained a lot about where I'd suggested for the day out.

3. there were roadworks on way home and the sensor at lights didn't pick up the car in front. The car in front turned around and he told me to get out of the car and go and wave at the sensor. I did this and then turned round to check he was happy with it and walk back to the car but I could see him gesturing aggressively and frantically for me to get back in the car. When I did he asked if I was stupid as when the lights change I needed to be in the car - I was out of the car for 10 seconds to do what he had asked and the light was red.

From what should have been a nice day out, I came home feeling anxious and wondering why I'd fucked the day up. I think it all seems minor but made me feel very self conscious and anxious.

AIBU for feeling anxious about these incidents? Wondering if I need some counselling about the anxiety and taking things personally or if his behaviour is also problematic.

5 years is quite a long time so, presumably, a steady boyfriend. Do you live together or not? To be honest, I'd cut me loses. It depends what he's normally like. Is there a reason behind his nastiness?

As someone who’d tell someone to get fucked very fast over behaviour like this no way am I a tyrant. I’m just not putting up with abuse. Completely agree, it’s boundaries, and women sadly are often brought up to have none.

OP, see this for what it is, there’s a life out there waiting for you where you feel great. It’s not with him.

Yes we live together. There are times where he is lovely to me but he often does put me down. I thought it was when I've done something quite irritating or whatever etc but I think from the examples I've given that he almost creates scenarios to complain about to make me feel bad.

Yes to this 🙏

I couldn’t live with this guy, no wonder you’re anxious and on edge

I think from the examples I've given that he almost creates scenarios to complain about to make me feel bad

He absolutely does! He's feeding off your misery. What an awful, awful person he sounds.

In case no one has mentioned it, have a read of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That - it can be downloaded free online. It will explain a lot about your situation.

When it next happens be blunt, “if you have such a problem with me you know you can leave, if your not going to leave then shut up complaining and being so negative, sort your behaviour out and try and act like a supportive boyfriend!”

Dump this one, he causes too much drama.

Well, OP you're not crazy, you just found yourself a narcissist and you are awakening to the fact that you deserve better 💐 The anxiety? You are a very emotionally intelligent person (we all are, if our own wounds let us) so that anxiety was an alarm system calling for your atention ("danger, danger"). And you know what? It worked! The danger was/is real, and you've listened to the alarm and are reacting to it. So all is well within you, you are emotionally aware and strong.
Now you need an exit plan: as someone previously posted, lay low and focus on the best strategy to leave. Read about narcissistic relationships (Karyl McBride, Susan Forward): you don't have to label him, but take what's useful from this resources. The pattern is always the same.
Get systems of support in place, don't do this alone.
This is truly good news: in time you'll be very proud of yourself for getting out of this 👏

It sounds like he's worn you down to nothing, where you can't even stand up for yourself because you don't have the confidence to challenge him. Get out OP.

Your husband is a bully.

He's a miserable mean spirited sod and he's taking it out on you.

Do you want to live like this?

Please walk away from this relationship. Can guarantee your life will be a million times better.

LTB. Take the dog.

I didn't even think there was anything odd about that at the time, it was the aggressive waving to get back in the car that made me feel extremely anxious but now looking back it's as if he was trying to embarrass me too. Almost like he gets a kick out of how much control he has over me

Again, why? Why would you live with someone so hostile and critical? Is this all you think you’re worth?

I think it's built up over time with criticising really small things til it's gotten to the point where stuff like this is happening all the time and I'm anxious constantly but I have been convinced it's because I'm annoying or have done something wrong. It's like he will pick at really insignificant things that make me question myself and when I do stand up for myself it gets twisted to why my behaviour made him act a certain way. But all these responses are making me realise it's obviously not just me

Pack up your stuff OP, and leave. He is an arsehole. You can be happy, but not with him. Good luck.

Take out the word 'just'. None of this is on you. He is controlling and cruel and obviously enjoys it. I would not advise standing up to him but quietly make plans to leave. He sounds awful. Of course he won't be awful all the time, otherwise you would have walked a long time ago. He may not even be aware of how awful he is, but that is no excuse. Are you now thinking about leaving? Do you have a friend you could confide in?

He's quite obviously an abusive bully.
Are too able to leave ?

Yea I am thinking about what to do going forward as I can't live feeling anxiety everyday and I have the means to end things. I do have a friend I can speak to yes, I'm just trying to get my head around it all first

All the best to you, whatever you decide.

OP I remember the anxiety well. Then I started having panic attacks and couldn't figure out why. The day I had one and couldn't go to work I went home and was relaxing on the couch. Almost the second he came home and started talking to me I could feel the heart rate increase and I just thought "it's you, you're my fucking problem". It still took a little while for me to kick him out (rental was in my name) but that day was the day I stopped listening to anything he had to say.

Make this your day and don't hang about. Start making plans to leave this abusive dickhead.

Oh my goodness, you sound lovely but so broken by this evil man’s abuse. I just want to reach out and give you a hug and say you’ve done nothing wrong.

You need to get away with him. Then you can start the rest of your life.

Thanks all appreciate all the helpful replies and healing me realise what has been going on for years