Anxiety filled day out

[Becomingabookworm]

My partner is often making me feel anxious. He has told me I am defensive and blowing situations out of proportion when I bring them up but the reaction I feel in terms of anxiety is out of my control. There's a lot of examples where I feel I have to manage my behaviour to avoid situations but can think of recent minor issues on a day out that made me wonder if he's actually causing my anxiety.

Partner suggested a day trip with the dog to somewhere neither of us has been but would be a 4 hour round trip. I suggested another scenic area which was 2 hour round trip and involved a nice woodland walk that I have done before, we went here.

1. we went for lunch and I sat with my elbow on the table afterwards as I felt quite full and he snapped at me to sit up straight and stop slouching. I felt it was totally un called for but he said I was embarrassing him and he wouldn't have to tell me off if I didn't behave like a child. I had an elbow on the table propping my head up while we waited for the bill, not slouching over.

2. the walk that I had suggested, I'd been here before but before owning a dog. It turns out there was a bit of a drop on one side and he spent the whole walk huffing that the dog couldn't run around so we turned back early and continued on that we should have went to the location he suggested. There were lots of other dog owners and we just had to make sure our dog was under control. He gave me the silent treatment for much of the rest of the day and complained a lot about where I'd suggested for the day out.

3. there were roadworks on way home and the sensor at lights didn't pick up the car in front. The car in front turned around and he told me to get out of the car and go and wave at the sensor. I did this and then turned round to check he was happy with it and walk back to the car but I could see him gesturing aggressively and frantically for me to get back in the car. When I did he asked if I was stupid as when the lights change I needed to be in the car - I was out of the car for 10 seconds to do what he had asked and the light was red.

From what should have been a nice day out, I came home feeling anxious and wondering why I'd fucked the day up. I think it all seems minor but made me feel very self conscious and anxious.

AIBU for feeling anxious about these incidents? Wondering if I need some counselling about the anxiety and taking things personally or if his behaviour is also problematic.

Yeah Op, he's done a number on you. That's for sure. The good thing is that your now realising this and can do something about it. You have done nothing wrong. Likes others have said, if he thinks you're so useless, why is he with you? It's a power trip for him.

Yeah I'll be honest that side of things hasn't been great for a while either as the little put downs and criticisms have put me off. Plus don't often feel like I want to be intimate as I've lost all my confidence. Have had niggling doubts as to why he is with me as I've felt whatever I do isn't really good enough

This is all quite frustrating to read. You are being mistreated and blaming yourself for your mistreatment. Why? Why do you think it's ok for him to behave this way? Why don't you think you deserve better? Get some therapy and find someone kind. You only have one life.

Dear OP, your partner is abusive. Just from the examples you give, red flags that jump to me are as follows: he infantilises and belittles you in public; he cares more about how he looks in public than about your wellbeing; he manipulates you via the silent treatment; he insults you, literally. And that's just from your original post (haven't read the others, but I assume it gets worse).
You need to leave: he's a narcissist and the cause of your anxiety.

Now I've read some of your replies: you definitely, definitely, are in relationship with a narcissist. He's trapped you by manipulating you and you feel constantly confused and walking on eggshells. Please know that all of this is very typical of narcissistic abuse: you are not crazy but if you stay with him he'll convince you that you are indeed crazy, you'll believe him over yourself and your own feelings. Get out now.

He sounds wank and that sounds like an awful day out, no fun at all.

It sounds like you have given him the ick but he should grow up and let you know he doesn't want to be with you.

I would be out of that relationship like a shot.

Thank you, I think I'm beginning to realise that he has already convinced me that I'm crazy that I rarely ever question his behaviour. Even when I posted this I actually still didn't think he was in the wrong, I just couldn't ignore the anxiety that I'm feeling on a pretty much daily basis. I think the small put downs have been so subtle to me (maybe not to outsiders in fairness as I actually though the stuff in my OP was very minor) that I haven't seen how fucked it's got. Obviously he is not like this 100% of the time but happens several times a week id say.

@Becomingabookworm I never comment on these threads but you sounds really lovely and he sounds absolutely awful! Please start afresh where you can be happy without someone putting you down at every opportunity! Xxx

GET RID. He whittles away your confidence and criticises you constantly. He sounds dreadful.

Just to agree with everyone else, he sounds awful and abusive and you would be much happier the minute you ditched him I am sure.

Now you've seen the light and realised it's him that's the problem not you, can you prepare some things to say next time he criticises you? It might make you feel better if you stop letting him think he's right all the time

Does he talk you to death, over every little perceived slight to his standards of perfection, until you become convinced you have done something heinously wrong.

By the sound of it, he is constantly trying to make you feel responsible for his negative behaviours. You are not responsible for his behaviour. He, and only he, is.

He feels like being a nasty bastard and is always looking for something you've done, haven't done, done wrong to justify his unleashing of that nasty bastard. That is why the feeling of ever shifting goalposts.

Nothing will change for the better. This is who he is. You know, a complete cunt.

Imagine you were to have a child, whom you love, with this man. Would you be able to watch him do the same to your child because he would. Imagine him criticising every little element of your parenting.

Leave while you can would be my advice because if you stay, every thing that ever goes wrong will always somehow be twisted into being your fault.

Don't rule out the possibility of escalation either. Does he criticise your clothing also. Does he talk shit about your friends and family to put you off seeing or speaking to them. Does he sulk and make trouble if you go out without him. There's a lot of questions like these to ask yourself, know you're becoming aware and the blinkers are falling away.

He sounds like my husband.

I'm divorcing him.

Funnily enough I've been far calmer, far less anxious and far better able to cope with life in general since he moved out.

You don't deserve to be treated like this OP. This man is decimating your self esteem and self worth.

Exactly what @MyCharger56 said. This is abusive behaviour from an abusive man. I hope you can leave safely and get to the happiness you deserve.

Omg yes he will go on a rant about what I've apparently done wrong and will phrase it as "and don't you think if you just did this" so I just nod as I don't have the energy to argue . Honestly having a dog with him has been difficult enough let alone kids as I had to train the dog to his standards and can remember him asking if I needed someone to look after me when I go out as I couldn't figure out how to walk the dog a certain way. His expectations of the dog are ridiculous too so I can see what sort of parent he would become. Sorry I think I'm just realising all of this shitty behaviour. Relate to the sulking when I go out etc too.

Do you really think he has the right to "tell you off"? If so, why?

He really, really doesn't, if that's not apparent. He's not your dad and you're not a child.

"I live in his house and pay half the bills but could afford somewhere alone. Sounds similar and it really is just minor stuff that makes you think am I mad for feeling so anxious or stressed off the back of it? I think he is really good at convincing me why my behaviour is the cause in the first place so if I just didn't do X then we'd be good but the goal posts are constantly moving. I'll change my behviour on one thing and another will become a problem. Like the traffic light thing was just total madness"

If you want to dismantle someone piece by piece then criticise the minor and the trivial, focus on it. This is the first rule of gaslighting. This approach has a number of advantages, your victim won't notice what you're doing for a while and because you're focusing on the trivial stuff they won't feel they can object. It will also mean that they will doubt themselves more because you have convinced them they can't even do things right at a trivial level. You can dress this up as doing them a favour and teaching them the right way. Perhaps reinforce this by telling your victim that others agree with you - a sense of isolation from everyone is an important component of your victim's deconstruction.

The other advantage of focussing on the minor or trivial is that other people won't notice your gaslighting meaning that you can inflict damage under the radar. This is helpful because successful gaslighting really is a long game - you need time so that your victim can barely remember what self confidence, self belief and autonomy feel like. And yes, move the goalposts; make sure your victim strives to "get it right" but always fails.

Remember, your victim is a competent, decent, intelligent person and you are not, so they must pay for your inadequacy and you must reduce them until they are not sure they can cope without you.

Finding a victim isn't about their intelligence, it's about finding the vulnerability that every human has. Once you have found that weak spot you can begin to ruin a life. But one day that decent, competent, intelligent person will realise what you've been doing, perhaps it will be the day you take it too far, and that will be the day their life begins to repair.

I hope it's that day for you @Becomingabookworm

@Becomingabookworm so what's your next step?

I challenge you to stand up to him! Next time he puts you down, tell him he is wrong! Speak up and show him you're not going to be talked down to any more.

Sulking when you go out is controlling behaviour. I am really sorry you’ve experienced this - I hope you’re able to get out of this situation, you deserve so much more.

And you’re with this guy why, exactly? What does he add to your life?

He sounds awful and you deserve better.

He’s a nasty piece of work, OP. You don’t deserve this.

I wouldn't necessarily advise OP to do that. My ex got physical and aggressive when I started to stand up for myself and push back on some of his gaslighting and manipulation.

I would suggest grey rock & make plans to leave. Standing up to him could put OP in danger.

This is upsetting to read because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you or the way you behave. It is his behaviour that is making you feel anxious and the anxious feelings are telling you this is not right! Your partner should make you feel loved, appreciated and happy, not anxious and upset. His behaviour is vile and 5 years of it has ground you down 😔

This is an abusive relationship. What he's doing is emotional abuse 😢 please contact Women's Aid for help and advice. They will help you make a plan to leave, with support in place. Please do it, you deserve so much better than this 💐

This could put OP in danger. She is with an abusive and controlling partner! Really bad advice 😕

Thank God you don't have children with him. Take your dog and leave the abusive bastard. He is causing your anxiety.

OP you're worth so much more than this inadequate, obnoxious excuse of a man.

It sounds like you're in a decent position to start afresh. Your anxiety levels will plummet without the constant treading on eggshells at what he can muster up ro criticise next.