Anxiety filled day out

[Becomingabookworm]

My partner is often making me feel anxious. He has told me I am defensive and blowing situations out of proportion when I bring them up but the reaction I feel in terms of anxiety is out of my control. There's a lot of examples where I feel I have to manage my behaviour to avoid situations but can think of recent minor issues on a day out that made me wonder if he's actually causing my anxiety.

Partner suggested a day trip with the dog to somewhere neither of us has been but would be a 4 hour round trip. I suggested another scenic area which was 2 hour round trip and involved a nice woodland walk that I have done before, we went here.

1. we went for lunch and I sat with my elbow on the table afterwards as I felt quite full and he snapped at me to sit up straight and stop slouching. I felt it was totally un called for but he said I was embarrassing him and he wouldn't have to tell me off if I didn't behave like a child. I had an elbow on the table propping my head up while we waited for the bill, not slouching over.

2. the walk that I had suggested, I'd been here before but before owning a dog. It turns out there was a bit of a drop on one side and he spent the whole walk huffing that the dog couldn't run around so we turned back early and continued on that we should have went to the location he suggested. There were lots of other dog owners and we just had to make sure our dog was under control. He gave me the silent treatment for much of the rest of the day and complained a lot about where I'd suggested for the day out.

3. there were roadworks on way home and the sensor at lights didn't pick up the car in front. The car in front turned around and he told me to get out of the car and go and wave at the sensor. I did this and then turned round to check he was happy with it and walk back to the car but I could see him gesturing aggressively and frantically for me to get back in the car. When I did he asked if I was stupid as when the lights change I needed to be in the car - I was out of the car for 10 seconds to do what he had asked and the light was red.

From what should have been a nice day out, I came home feeling anxious and wondering why I'd fucked the day up. I think it all seems minor but made me feel very self conscious and anxious.

AIBU for feeling anxious about these incidents? Wondering if I need some counselling about the anxiety and taking things personally or if his behaviour is also problematic.

This man is very clearly abusive. You're walking on eggshells around him. Read 'why does he do that', i believe it's on pdf now also. You really need to leave before you're just a shell of the person you once were. He will destroy you.

Oooh, OP. This horrible abusive man sucking all the life and joy out of you. Don't hang about. He doesn't even like you. Be happy somewhere else soon!

@Becomingabookworm it appears my H is living a double life!! I'm in my 60s now OP , 2nd marriage of nearly 30 years and lots of complicated ties and not in a position to leave- but one reason I don't drive is the fact I just know he would be a prick about my driving and my anxiety would rocket. He has lots of good things too about him , but the frequent control freakism and temper and mood aspects really aren't great to live with.

Please take my advice and get out whilst you can- they get worse - not better with age. And I think with some guys they can't help being a complete control freak - it's a personality thing- I'm a bit of a people pleaser and I sometimes think these guys would be better with a real tyrant who told them to get f**ed if they spoke like that right from the offset.

He's you partner, not your parent OP

It's funny you mention driving as thinking about it I've avoided driving him anywhere for about 2 years as everytime I used to he'd criticise me to the point I'd end up making daft mistakes as I was so anxious. I had someone crash into me when I was a new driver which wasnt my fault and he continually brought it up and how I didn't pay enough attention even though he wasn't there.

Seriously, you will feel much better when you dump this abusive control freak.

Sorry but he's a cunt. He is the reason for your anxiety, he would make the calmest person anxious. This isn't normal and life is too short for this

Oh goodness no.

He sounds bloody awful. I'd be anxious with all this crap. Who does he think he is, huffing and puffing, telling you to sit up straight.

And making you get out to wave at the sensor but then shouting at you for doing that?

It's absolutely ridiculous. Can you imagine acting like him to any of your close friends and relatives? Telling them to stop slouching, sulking about the dog, demanding they get out and wave at a traffic light in front of everyone?

Of course not. Because you're a rational human being. Get out, I imagine your anxiety will greatly reduce.

This!

Does he talk to you as if he likes you, op? No. And he's supposed to love you.

He's vile.

@Crikeyalmighty - why do you think a woman would be a 'tyrant' if she told an abusive partner to fuck off and put him in his place?

That's a woman with boundaries. Not a tyrant.

What a weird take.

My ex once turned into our drive to park his car and then rang me from inside his car, on the drive, outside our house to shout at me for not parking my car "properly" I left him.

Jesus Christ, point 1 alone is enough reason to leave. He’s abused and gaslit you so much you don’t trust yourself. Please please leave. Now. If you can go stay with a friend tonight, do it. While you’re starting to see the light. Don’t give him chance to talk you around. Stay strong.

Not all abuse is flat out violence or horrific things being said, some of it is like a repeated small punch to the arm. It's okay until you get a dead arm. Then your arm stays dead and you realise what's been going on all this time.

Best case scenario, he's gone off you and everything you do is irritating him. Otherwise he's just plain abusive. If he's always been like this, it's almost certainly the latter. Either way, this is not a relationship you should be in.

@outdamnedspots wrong word I think by me!! 'Someone with a more forceful personality than me' is probably a better way of phrasing it

The OPs post about the sensors really hit home as I've had my H signalling and waving his arms and shouting like a looney inside the car because I am standing in slightly the not 100% perfect place to be picked up etc

He sounds absolutely awful OP! No wonder you are so anxious, as PP have said if you got rid of him your anxiety would probably subside.

It's not normal to be shouted at, it's not normal to be told how to sit at a table; or to be told how to chop veg, for him to shout at you about car lights etc. His 4 hours round trip to walk the dog sounds ridiculous as well. I think he is trying to control you. Run - you will feel far better for leaving him if this is how he is.

He demonstrates all the signs of being a Grade A narcissist - and the standard advice for dealing with these people is to "grey rock" them, which basically means ignore them, don't engage in any arguments and don't react when they put you down. Please Google 'narcissists and grey rock' to help you understand and cope with your situation while you quietly make plans and leave. You can never win and will eventually lose what remains of your confidence.

OP life is too short. Start thinking about what you want

So grateful for all these replies as I've really thought I'm the problem but there is clearly something wrong when it seems to be quite clear from those examples that he's been messing with my head let alone all the rest of it

With each post his behaviour gets worse.

Not surprised you're a bag of nerves now.

Leave as soon as you can for your own sanity.

Don't fall for the "I'm sorry I'll change " when you leave him.

Holy shit. Anyone would have anxiety issues living with that! He's a controlling twat, OP. It's not you. Please don't put up with this and believe the old 'if you weren't so xyz I wouldn't need to be an abusive prick/controlling knob/judge and jury'.

I don't know your circumstances but this is terrible for your wellbeing and mh - and disastrous for any dc you may have to witness it. It doesn't have to be like this. I'd call his bluff and tell him he's right, he deserves so much better, so it's over. Then stick to your guns. He's a nasty piece of work. Yes, even if he can be nice sometimes (I assume, or you wouldn't still be with him).

And do NOT fall for the I'm sorry, I just have high standards/want you to be the best you can be/or, like my exh, "now I know you really mean it...". Fuck off, mate. You deserve better.

No wonder you're anxious!

You'll feel much better when he's gone!

Is he like this in front of your friends and family?

He sounds like my ex. Walk away and don’t look back.

He sounds like you have to walk on eggshells around him. This is no way to live.