Anxiety filled day out

[Becomingabookworm]

My partner is often making me feel anxious. He has told me I am defensive and blowing situations out of proportion when I bring them up but the reaction I feel in terms of anxiety is out of my control. There's a lot of examples where I feel I have to manage my behaviour to avoid situations but can think of recent minor issues on a day out that made me wonder if he's actually causing my anxiety.

Partner suggested a day trip with the dog to somewhere neither of us has been but would be a 4 hour round trip. I suggested another scenic area which was 2 hour round trip and involved a nice woodland walk that I have done before, we went here.

1. we went for lunch and I sat with my elbow on the table afterwards as I felt quite full and he snapped at me to sit up straight and stop slouching. I felt it was totally un called for but he said I was embarrassing him and he wouldn't have to tell me off if I didn't behave like a child. I had an elbow on the table propping my head up while we waited for the bill, not slouching over.

2. the walk that I had suggested, I'd been here before but before owning a dog. It turns out there was a bit of a drop on one side and he spent the whole walk huffing that the dog couldn't run around so we turned back early and continued on that we should have went to the location he suggested. There were lots of other dog owners and we just had to make sure our dog was under control. He gave me the silent treatment for much of the rest of the day and complained a lot about where I'd suggested for the day out.

3. there were roadworks on way home and the sensor at lights didn't pick up the car in front. The car in front turned around and he told me to get out of the car and go and wave at the sensor. I did this and then turned round to check he was happy with it and walk back to the car but I could see him gesturing aggressively and frantically for me to get back in the car. When I did he asked if I was stupid as when the lights change I needed to be in the car - I was out of the car for 10 seconds to do what he had asked and the light was red.

From what should have been a nice day out, I came home feeling anxious and wondering why I'd fucked the day up. I think it all seems minor but made me feel very self conscious and anxious.

AIBU for feeling anxious about these incidents? Wondering if I need some counselling about the anxiety and taking things personally or if his behaviour is also problematic.

Good luck Op - think of it as short term pain for long term gain. You deserve so much more than being tied to a critical, abusive man who makes you feel this way.

He sounds like a total and complete arsehole. I'd last 5 minutes in his presence, as I don't suffer arseholes gladly - or at all.

Oops, didn't mean to quote that 😶

I don’t think you have anxiety issues. You have DH issues.

Under no circumstances should he treat you the way he does. You are an adult. If you want to put your elbow on the table, put your elbow on the table. I have experience the silent treatment from an Ex. It’s horrible and even 22 years later I become nervous if someone is quiet and instantly presume I’ve done something wrong.

Please really consider leaving this awful man.

Wishing you the best OP. It sounds like you are getting your head around the need to leave. I bet your loved ones will be hugely relieved.

You can make some preparations now. Start redirecting your post / changing to online statements etc. Important things like passports and photos you can take to a friends or even your workplace. Change all your passwords in case he has them. I actually wouldn't grey rock him - as far as possible try to act normally so he doesn't notice the change. You cannot win with a guy like this; he will always be meaner and nastier than you could imagine.

When you do go just go. Don't discuss it with him or explain - he'll just mess with your head or potentially get violent. Move your stuff and yourself out when he isn't there and don't tell him where you're going. Take the dog - if he wants to try to get her back he can get a lawyer. Leave a note saying the relationship has made you unhappy and you don't want to see or hear from him again. Then block his number. If you start missing him in lonely moments put your phone in another room so you don't contact him.

No, he’s a dick. His behaviour is designed to berate you, belittle you and show you that he’s in charge of you. I’d be telling him to fuck off, in all honesty. How dare he?!

The conversation I’d have with him would be along the lines of: I’m not myself with you. I find your behaviour (give examples) unpleasant and controlling. This relationship is no longer making me happy. I would like to move out, be independent and be free to do things without having to be concerned about your displeasure or criticism.

And then I’d leave and not look back.

He’s a controlling man, and with each episode he chips another bit off your confidence to see how much he can bully you. He’s gone far enough. You know it’s wrong and you know you want an equal relationship. This is his true self: sulky, bossy, manipulative, giving you the silent treatment, controlling. It’s not attractive. His personality sucks.

Start saving up, clear any debt you have, start looking at rentals. Say absolutely nothing at all to him. Get important documentation to a friends house.
Leave him quietly when he's out. Take the dog, get what you need and go. Never ever tell him your address.
tell him over text you've done. You've moved out and you don't want any further contact, get a friend to act as an intermediary if there's anything he needs to pass on. He will blame you, shout, say you're ill, just agree and say that is exactly why he wouldn't want to be with you anyway. You can't argue with someone like this.
don't tell him you're leaving. He will absolutely have you doubting everything wnd turn your head inside out with it all.

I think you are all correct and I just need to be very aware of his behaviour to not let it affect me while I figure out the next steps and get some savings together

All in good time OP

First step. Posted here. You've been so downtrodden you needed validation that, no I'm not a loon and he's the one that basically gets off by treating me like shit.
Second step. Walk away from this absolute arsehole. Remember, you've recognised what an absolute wanker he is before he's completely subjugated you - so effing well done.
Don't be surprised at the 'Book End' follow up:

"Are you kidding me - who else would have you??! - followed by the begging;
I can change! Then;
I was about to dump you anyway - neighbour / colleague / beautiful young model actress with bigger tits than you, massive mansion and buckets of money is begging to get with me and share the passenger seat of my four door, ready to leap out as gracefully as a Gazelle [fording a river, perused by snapping Crocs] next time a sensor needs to be tripped".

I definitely needed some validation that I wasn't being unreasonable as he's totally warped my standards of how he should treat me, so really glad I posted this. Hoping I can see through the rest of the bullshit and not let him manipulate me any longer. I have been looking at rentals and trying to get a plan in place. I do love him but I'm not spending my life being put down on a constant basis and becoming more of a shell of myself.

I’m sorry OP, but your partner doesn’t like you. Time to find someone nicer.

Good. Do get out, @Becomingabookworm — this is no life.

Yes, girl. You are doing it. Don't take any more of his shit. Get that deposit together and get the fuck out of there. He doesn't like you. You don't owe him shit.

He is gaslighting you. He is clearly very good at it.

Please leave this man.