Anxiety filled day out

[Becomingabookworm]

My partner is often making me feel anxious. He has told me I am defensive and blowing situations out of proportion when I bring them up but the reaction I feel in terms of anxiety is out of my control. There's a lot of examples where I feel I have to manage my behaviour to avoid situations but can think of recent minor issues on a day out that made me wonder if he's actually causing my anxiety.

Partner suggested a day trip with the dog to somewhere neither of us has been but would be a 4 hour round trip. I suggested another scenic area which was 2 hour round trip and involved a nice woodland walk that I have done before, we went here.

1. we went for lunch and I sat with my elbow on the table afterwards as I felt quite full and he snapped at me to sit up straight and stop slouching. I felt it was totally un called for but he said I was embarrassing him and he wouldn't have to tell me off if I didn't behave like a child. I had an elbow on the table propping my head up while we waited for the bill, not slouching over.

2. the walk that I had suggested, I'd been here before but before owning a dog. It turns out there was a bit of a drop on one side and he spent the whole walk huffing that the dog couldn't run around so we turned back early and continued on that we should have went to the location he suggested. There were lots of other dog owners and we just had to make sure our dog was under control. He gave me the silent treatment for much of the rest of the day and complained a lot about where I'd suggested for the day out.

3. there were roadworks on way home and the sensor at lights didn't pick up the car in front. The car in front turned around and he told me to get out of the car and go and wave at the sensor. I did this and then turned round to check he was happy with it and walk back to the car but I could see him gesturing aggressively and frantically for me to get back in the car. When I did he asked if I was stupid as when the lights change I needed to be in the car - I was out of the car for 10 seconds to do what he had asked and the light was red.

From what should have been a nice day out, I came home feeling anxious and wondering why I'd fucked the day up. I think it all seems minor but made me feel very self conscious and anxious.

AIBU for feeling anxious about these incidents? Wondering if I need some counselling about the anxiety and taking things personally or if his behaviour is also problematic.

I've been in a similar position and told him straight it was joyless and miserable to be with someone so negative and I was leaving immediately if it didn't stop.

It did stop and I'm so glad I was as clear and direct as that. I only wish I'd done it sooner.

We all think his behaviour is appalling, so be assured that it's not you who's to blame. He's a controlling, bully of a man and you don't need him.

Imagine your life without him...

Wow he's a bell end. No wonder you're feeling on edge. What are your options for leaving?

I live in his house and pay half the bills but could afford somewhere alone. Sounds similar and it really is just minor stuff that makes you think am I mad for feeling so anxious or stressed off the back of it? I think he is really good at convincing me why my behaviour is the cause in the first place so if I just didn't do X then we'd be good but the goal posts are constantly moving. I'll change my behviour on one thing and another will become a problem. Like the traffic light thing was just total madness.

Christ he sounds unsufferable.

What a horrible man. Who made him king of the world and judge and knower of all?? Leave him and chop the veg unevenly, put your elbows on the table all of the time, text people when you see fit and just generally live the life you want without a horrible controlling arse trying to make you feel shit.

The last person who told me to stop slouching was my Victorian grandmother.

That aside, he's undermining you. Days out shouldn't be full of anxiety waiting to be admonished and relationships shouldn't exist with either party on eggshells and nervous of the next thing to be criticised. He's also not going to improve OP, whatever he tells you. This is him.

He sounds horrible. I would leave. You don’t deserve to be treated do badly.

I'm not normally one for giving advice in these situations but I would be looking at my finances, doing a bit of saving and making an exit plan.

Please whatever you do, do not have a child with this man

He sounds absolutely awful. The sooner you bin him, the sooner your anxiety will magically disappear. You deserve so much better!

He’s a nasty abusive dickhead.

Can you leave? 💐

This is emotional abuse, quite frankly.

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

He's an abusive a-hole. Great that you can afford your own place. Get out ASAP and don't look back. Disgusting behaviour towards you. You deserve much better. Good luck xx

I'm so sorry you feel that this behaviour towards you is in any way acceptable. It isn't by 1000 miles. He sounds dreadful.

He's a complete areshole and well over into abusive territory. Bin him off and watch your anxiety suddenly disappear!

Honestly been thinking I'm crazy for feeling so anxious about it all when it's been such stupid things so I'm glad I posted this. I think it has built up over time to the point I'm just anxious waiting for the next thing I've done wrong and it so exhausting

Op, he's a weapons-grade arsehole. Do yourself a massive favour and bin the fucker. I think you'll quickly find that your anxiety reduces greatly.

Think of it this way, OP... why would he stick around if you're so awful and embarrassing and 'badly behaved'?

It's because he enjoys it - he likes putting you down, making you feel bad and anxious and like you have to apologise... he gets off on the complete power imbalance and looks for new ways that he can trip you up and confuse you!

If you can afford to go it alone, and sounds like you can, please do! He'll never be happy and he will absolutely never make you happy.. you deserve so much more from your one life!

Good luck x

This is quite incredible....
I wouldn't wipe a shoe over this man.
😮💩😡

He is a piece of shit.

I suspect that you might not have anxiety, you’re living with an abusive man. Anyone would be anxious in your situation, it’s a logical reaction to the abuse you’re experiencing.

Get out now before it gets worse and whilst you can afford to start again/ don’t have children. This isn’t going to improve. You could do everything his way and there would still be something he can use to justify his abusive behaviour.

I think you are right that there will always be something as that's what I'm realising nnow. Even when I've changed my behaviour he still finds something that's not good enough to make me feel shit about myself

This answer sums up what your abusive partner is getting from this relationship - it’s a power thing. He has no affection or respect for you, you exist in his life purely to make him feel superior.
Please take back control of your life. ‘The Freedom Programme’ will open your eyes to how abused you have been. And will help your self esteem. It will take time, but I guarantee the anxiety you feel all the time will, on the whole, disappear when this arsehole of a man is no longer a part of your life.

From your very first post-

wondering why I'd fucked the day up

You didn't fuck anything up. Not a thing. You did nothing wrong in any of those situations.

Fucking fuck that. He's a prick