Anxiety filled day out

[Becomingabookworm]

My partner is often making me feel anxious. He has told me I am defensive and blowing situations out of proportion when I bring them up but the reaction I feel in terms of anxiety is out of my control. There's a lot of examples where I feel I have to manage my behaviour to avoid situations but can think of recent minor issues on a day out that made me wonder if he's actually causing my anxiety.

Partner suggested a day trip with the dog to somewhere neither of us has been but would be a 4 hour round trip. I suggested another scenic area which was 2 hour round trip and involved a nice woodland walk that I have done before, we went here.

1. we went for lunch and I sat with my elbow on the table afterwards as I felt quite full and he snapped at me to sit up straight and stop slouching. I felt it was totally un called for but he said I was embarrassing him and he wouldn't have to tell me off if I didn't behave like a child. I had an elbow on the table propping my head up while we waited for the bill, not slouching over.

2. the walk that I had suggested, I'd been here before but before owning a dog. It turns out there was a bit of a drop on one side and he spent the whole walk huffing that the dog couldn't run around so we turned back early and continued on that we should have went to the location he suggested. There were lots of other dog owners and we just had to make sure our dog was under control. He gave me the silent treatment for much of the rest of the day and complained a lot about where I'd suggested for the day out.

3. there were roadworks on way home and the sensor at lights didn't pick up the car in front. The car in front turned around and he told me to get out of the car and go and wave at the sensor. I did this and then turned round to check he was happy with it and walk back to the car but I could see him gesturing aggressively and frantically for me to get back in the car. When I did he asked if I was stupid as when the lights change I needed to be in the car - I was out of the car for 10 seconds to do what he had asked and the light was red.

From what should have been a nice day out, I came home feeling anxious and wondering why I'd fucked the day up. I think it all seems minor but made me feel very self conscious and anxious.

AIBU for feeling anxious about these incidents? Wondering if I need some counselling about the anxiety and taking things personally or if his behaviour is also problematic.

Why the fuck did you get of a car at traffic lights to check the sensor on them?!

You need to male plans to leave this idiot

You deserve much better too, you know. Is there any way you can leave?

Look, even if he does wang on and on about how it's you and not him etc etc, just say 'yes ok, you're right so I'd rather not inflict myself on you a moment longer' - ideally say this as you're leaving him, having sorted out a new place to live

Honestly just don't tolerate this utter shit. There's simply no need to do so

You've got money to support yourself? Great. Look at housing just for you and ditch him

You don't need to live with this you know

I can think of times he's acted like that in front of them if we've been hosting people especially he would speak to me the same way. They've never mentioned it to me though.

The mad thing is probably that I didn't even question, he said you need to be the one who goes to get the sensor to work as I'm driving so I just did it.

@outdamnedspots I'm biding my time- but haven't discounted it at some point-
I actually do care about my H - and a lot of the time we get on well - problem is like others have said we have the 90% ok mixed with 10% prime shit. I just don't much like living with him at times and more frequent than I would like -

This is not a you problem. I hope you realise that 💕 he is emotionally abusive. This is abusive. Please please leave whilst you can. Don’t get trapped. He will break you. Be happy.

Definitely relate to this as well as there are a lot of good times but there are probably too many times where he's making me feel anxious and I'm not sure the good can outweigh the bad. Sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation

I would end a relationship over just point 1.

He can get to fuck.
Whatever he may believe he is not in charge of you, you are in charge of you.

I have probably never chopped veg straight in 40 years, and have my elbows on the table often, what difference does it make?

I hope you maintain this clarity and organise your plans, life is to short to put up with this nonsense

Temp traffic lights sometimes don't register the car so you move forward slowly, if it's safe, and it picks it up. What would the absolute twat do if he was in the car on his own?

The fact you didn't question it shows how bad he has abused you, to the point where you accept it and justify it to yourself.

You are worth more than this. You are not to blame. You are stronger than you think.

Definitely think about doing the Freedom course. And please, make your plans to leave. If you act as stupid as he thinks you are, it will be easy to do.

But please, recognise your worth

You’re lucky. No kids with this tosser. Call it quits asap and start finding someone who makes you feel amazing and is a laugh.

I suspect your anxiety will magically cure itself within a few short weeks once you break up and stop all contact.

He sounds absolutely awful OP, I'm not surprised your nerves are torn to shreds if you are subjected to a constant critique throughout the day.
As others have said, this isn't acceptable and I'm afraid to say that the getting you out the car to wave at the traffic light seems particularly nasty. Not only is he continually undermining your confidence and sanity, he's now ridiculing you by pushing you to see how far you'll go.
I've no doubt your anxiety will disappear when he does. You deserve much better.

Goodness he sounds awful and is completely emotionally abusive. You can do better and your anxiety is entirely created by his inability to navigate life in a calm way. Get rid.

This rings true. A catalyst for me ending my marriage was I bumped into a car. And I knew he'd go mad. It was really minor damage and he was vile. In his eyes (unless he did it!) nothing was ever an accident. It made me feel ill for days. I was a sobbing mess. I realised how stupid it was.

ironically about 3 months ago, I had a prang. Absolutely my fault. It was so so weird, I got out. Exchanged details, sorted insurance and, well, nothing. No drama, no devastation, obviously I was a bit annoyed as I'd done it and it would ding my insurance, but a quick call to a mate who gave me the "it's fine, no one injured, it's just metal speech" and life was fine. No sleepless nights etc. That's the difference when you don't have that hanging over you. And my ex was in no way as critical as your P is over the smaller stuff.
Honestly, life can be so relaxing when it's just your own crap you're dealing with.

Yeah I mean I know he knows that he can just edge forward and that's what I'd do myself so thinking back it is probably just to ridicule me. Thanks I am going through a bit of a wtf realisation tonight if I'm honest to whats been going on

What's he done to you that you thought this, actually doubted yourself?

I've only given one LTB on my 20yrs on MN ... you are going to get my second..

LTB he is fucking with your head and heart to make himself feel better...

I don't know. I think he always convinced me that I'm the problem. Even when I play back the conversation it's like so manipulative the way he will speak to me and as if I'm stupid or crazy to not agree with his point of view that I do then doubt myself. Thinking objectively with the traffic light thing, I got into the car thinking what the hell is his problem but by the end of it I'm thinking, maybe I paused too long at the lights or whatever. I really don't know how to explain it.

Blimey, why are you putting up with this? Sounds exhausting. Just leave.

Well today's the first day. You're starting to see and question things and realise it's not you. Be kind to yourself while you're going through this

OP, I’m going to be frank here: your partner is an utter cunt.

I swear to god that if a man told me, a grown woman, to ‘stop slouching’ I would laugh in his face and then file for divorce. Nasty, controlling, rude and infantilising. And because it’s infantilising, also quite creepy.

As well as being bullying and unpleasant, surely your partner’s behaviour is also deeply, deeply unattractive to you? If someone spoke to me like that my legs reflexively would snap shut like a clothes peg the moment they even looked at me. Does he not make your skin crawl?

Ask him why he is with you if he thinks you are so useless all the time

Obviously dump him too