To think parents nowadays are just weak

[Alberta56]

Not sure is it just me but I feel like most parents are just soft and incapabble to discipline their own kids. I constantly see topics here and not only about small kids doing what they want - screaming, tantrums, wanting stuff and parents are just so helpless. When I go on the tube kids screaming putting their dirty feet on the seats. At home kids not wanting to eat and parents act like they own a restaurant immediately cooking something else. What's wrong with saying NO, or ""keep quiet" or " you eat whats available or "you go and play alone while mommy reads a book for 1 h". Why are parents constantly trying to keep kids entertained and spend a fortune on stupid activities. Worst thing is that I see young colleagues 18/ 19 years old coming to work and are just incapable of being a human - constantly late, all the time have to think about their feelings and emotions can't even complain to HR when they're not doing their job properly....I just don't get it really. I'm about to be a mom myself and if I need i will discipline my kid with firm approach non of that " let them express themselves" cr@p.

I don’t have low standards thank you my children are amazing. But expecting a 2 year old not to need a drink or a wee for an hour. Unlikely. Glad your children can look after themselves as toddlers though, you’re clearly a cut above the rest, no doubt they were doing themselves drinks and you at that age, plus wiping their own bums ha ha. I tend to my children’s needs, right or wrong as that may be ☺️ I most certainly wouldn’t be going to sleep when looking after a 2 year old. I’m clearly setting my standards too low 😂

@Wantitalltogoaway

"As MN would say, why are your standards so low? 😂"

What a self-satisfied comment to make. Yuck.

We all have different parenting styles. DH is more if a shouter and they must be punished kind of parent.. I’m more of a talker, let’s work out why you did what you did.
DS1 was a “problem child” arrested for various things in his teens. Didn’t work for a few years after leaving school, smoked a lot of weed.
He had a lot going on, 3 neurological disorders, losing his best mate to suicide. Then health anxiety, convinced he was dying of cancer.
DH would rant and rave and threaten to kick him out. Their relationship was fragile at best. Without intervention from me he would irreparably damaged their relationship for ever.
I kept lines of communication open, listened when he was terrified he was dying, held him while he cried.
DH kept saying I was soft. I wasn’t, I was the tough one, I was dealing with all his big emotions and problems not just washing my hands of him.
DS is 24 now, engaged to a lovely girl, working full time and they live in their own lovely home.
He’s a kind thoughtful young man who I’m immensely proud of.
He loves his dad, but he and I have a very special bond because I was there for him in his bleakest times, without judgement.
He says he’s not convinced he’d still be here without my patience and understanding.

@Newname71 that's a really lovely post, well done to you and your son and very best wishes to you all for his and your ongoing lives 💙💗

There might be a small proportion of children with SEN but that doesn't account for all the bad behaviour that we see today, nor does it account for the number of parents who refuse to accept that their children behave badly. Just ask any teacher! OP was talking about parents who seem to not even try with their children.

But I think what the poster above is alluding to is that when you judge, how do you know if you’re judging a family with a SEN child or not?

This!!!
My DN is autistic, she’s 16 now, doesn’t really leave the house and is selective mute.
When she was younger and my DSis had to take her out to shops etc she would get totally overwhelmed and have epic meltdowns.
Now, when I see this type of “behaviour” out and about I never judge, I always think you don’t know why!

Thank you ❤️.
It’s been a long, hard road but we got there, like I always knew we would.
DH can’t stop going on about how proud he is of DS which is lovely but I won’t lie he made things harder for all of us at the time and sometimes I resent him 🤷‍♀️.
They wouldn’t have a relationship if it wasn’t for me acting as intermediary. But at least DH is taking my lead now with our 17 year old and being a bit less authoritarian.

Oh FFS! Maybe that’s because your child was ND? Or maybe she was unusually introverted. Or maybe you are misremembering/ making this up. Who knows.
Most 2 yr olds will not be quiet for an hour on demand, regardless of anyone’s “expectations”. Maybe if they learn to be terrified of you they will steer clear. Otherwise, no.

Yes, I can understand that resentment but at least he seems to have learnt from your example and approach and is more understanding, less authoritarian with your 17 year old. He probably can't quite admit that it was you that kept the don/dad relationship going... yet.

Yeah agree, it is definitely not usual for a 2 year old to play on their own for more than a few minutes.
It won't be long between snack, potty trip, or just wanting an adult to join with playtime. It's how they learn!

You actually don’t have children yet though OP…

I don't think that OP or anyone else for that matter would be intending to critisizing anyone in this group who is themself challenged or endeavouring to bring up challenged kids. Anyone who has had dealings with an autistic child can appreciate what a difficult task it is to even hope for co-operation. OP is talking about parents who don't even try to stop their kids bothering others. They don't even try, that's the point.

Not an hour (I never said that), but I’m amazed at how many people wouldn’t expect a 2yo to play quietly by themselves for more than a few minutes. That’s perfectly acceptable (and usual).

A 2yo doesn’t need a snack or a drink every few minutes!

Obviously if you’re potty training they’ll need reminding about potty quite regularly, but are you seriously saying a 2yo couldn’t sit and look at books or play with blocks/a train track etc for half an hour without needing a parent to entertain them?

I think this proves the OP’s point.

I’ve worked in many schools and it’s generally the NT kids that cause the issues, mainly attention seeking behavioir that escalated as they don’t get an adults full attention in school like they do at home. They expect to be first - first inline, first to get their snack, first to pick a friend, first to do an activity - generally these kids are also first to get the latest toy, newest gadget, anything to keep them quiet at home defends into issues in schools. Being needy is not a good friendship quality and they are often sidelined for less needy kids.

Oh and I’ve been 121 with a number of autistic kids - we work on them slowly to improve their self esteem, how to calm themselves, how to keep their thoughts to themselves!! Tricky and can be quite amusing! They do like to be up front and honest! I always loved working with them. Their parents were generally run down and found parents difficult because of the challenges but were hugely grateful for the work we put in.

Speaking a former child care professional, and mum to three young adults. It's a lottery regarding your child's personality, the demands of your own personal situation. I recall at the time of being parents of young families myself and former colleagues cringed at the advice we gave actual parents! Keeping good routines, for their physical health. Clear boundaries and consequences for negative/poor behaviour . Personally I would be concerned with aspects of the gentle parenting approach. Poor or bad behaviour such as the earlier example by a pp to explain why kicking mummy isn't a good thing whilst the child is still doing it, would be giving attention for poor behaviour would automatically feed into more of (worse) of the undesired behaviour. Therefore immediate removal or restricting a child at that point is necessary to prevent harm to others or themselves. I think then the talk comes later, however such behaviour needs to come with some sort of "punishment" its usually I've found not just in my personal parenting experience but working with children with challenging behaviours. That the immediate response which can include deprivation or cessation of said activity for even a short period and /or reparation. It doesn't need to be a huge "punishment" in most cases, as sometimes relatively minor interventions can be effective.
Giving time to listen to children is important but difficult in any busy family life. Though I think gentle parenting hits the right note here.
Nothing wrong with having aspirations OP be prepared to be flexible though.

2 yr olds absolutely don’t play quietly on demand . They are 2. They don’t have that kind of emotional regulation, impulse /
self control etc. there’s a reason two year olds aren’t in school.

The OP said an hour, you then decided to comment on my post saying this doesn’t happen by saying my standards are too low 😂😂 try reading before making absurd comments. Or just go back to sleep and leave your toddlers to look after themselves.

Having adhd is not an excuse for not teaching children manners, etc. but in your situation with 2 autistic daughters, that might be hard at the moment, depending on the level of autism and their age at the moment. They can learn how to behave , i have several friends with autistic children, who, yes, at a younger age, were quite hard going to bring up, But they all know how to behave, the parents don’t pander to them and they eat almost everything that’s put in front of them.
I’m not sure the OP was not pointing you out as a shit weak parent, as your circumstances are slightly different.

An interesting observation about generational influences.

Say a child was born in 1930. In their later childhood they may have been evacuated out of a city and separated from parents, had a father away for years in the army, had their home bombed, or a parent died.

They may have had children age 20-25, so a child born in the 1950s would have been brought up by traumatised parents, and possibly also had a father away in the army for long periods with post-WWII conflicts. Fathers were also not involved in childcare, and mothers were often 'trapped' in a housewife role.
These children rebelled big time in the 60s and 70s.

Their children born in the 60s, 70s or early 80s may have had traumatised grandparents, or emotionally distant grandfathers and grandmothers who were chronically discontented and unfulfilled. These babies had parents who may have been a confused mixture of authoritarian parenting habits learned from their own parents, and a wild hippy-inspired no-rules free parenting.

Children born in the 90s and 00s had parents who tried much, much harder to 'get it right', as a reaction to their parenting and with the explosion of 'therapy-culture' and aspirational parenting. They also had mothers working full time so their was a massive dose of mother-guilt and over-compensation.

So babies born around now have doubled-down on their parents approach, taking child-centred, 'gentle' parenting to the extreme. They are also far more exhausted, with juggling insecure work and massive housing costs in a declining economy, so just have no energy to spare.

These are huge generalisations of course.

That should say parents of babies born around now

DM was a nurse in London in WW2. All her brothers volunteered for the services. @EuclidianGeometryFan What you possibly haven’t understood is their huge resilience to set backs and unpleasantness. Yes, DM’s hospital was bombed but the war experience made them close as a family. I’ve no doubt some people suffered but others were so grateful for peace, they moved on. The greater trauma would have been Hitler here. Many forget the real threat of that and it was horrendous.

I think you also haven’t understood that Dr Spock influenced child rearing in the 50s and DM was determined not to be like her overbearing Victorian father. I see parenting changing through the generations but in all generations, badly behaved children please no one.

@TizerorFizz
People respond to traumatic events in different ways. Some gain resilience and strength, some appear to be strong but are brittle, some are both strong and still very damaged. I wasn't criticising any generation, just making connections across generations.
Of course my outline was over-generalised and left out loads of detail. And yes, you get bad parents and poorly behaved children in any generation, but the OP was about why this latest generation parent the way they do and why that is a bad thing.

@EuclidianGeometryFan I think it’s a stretch to take it back to WW2. More a case of parenting fashion and trends. People have different values, time and expertise.So many were involved in WW2 and the whole nation was scared!

Many generations have had exactly the same challenges, but find different solutions. I do think too many now look for solutions from schools and delay setting goals early. I do think there were higher expectations from many parents previously. Things like getting dressed, being quiet when asked to be and definitely playing without a parent. Children are happiest with boundaries but I also think most parents get that!