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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask mum to clean up?

169 replies

Puppyyikes · 16/09/2024 17:16

My DD is almost 2 and we have a FT nanny as my husband and I both work 5 days a week. My mum was never able to commit to a specific childcare day, although I did ask her, back when we got our nanny - because she likes to travel a lot with her sister. If she had been willing, we’d have gotten a PT nanny or done nursery.

now though, my mum texts every week to ask when she can see my DD, and usually comes up one afternoon or morning per week to take her. This means our nanny gets paid time off, half a day a week or sometimes more (since it isn’t her choice not to work.) I find this annoying at times, as it means we’re overpaying, but I’ve had to make peace with it for the trade off of my DD having time with her GM.

However, on the days when my mum takes my DD, she does no cleaning at all, meaning the house looks like a total bomb has gone off when I get home from work. WIBU to ask her to please clean up dirty plates etc / food on the floor / normal toddler stuff? Or should I just be grateful for the (unsolicited…) childcare?

my mum also comes regularly on weekends, but there’s only so much we can have her round before it gets a bit much for my husband. He works very long hours so only really gets to see our DD on weekends.

just wondering how others would deal with this situation. My mum is very sensitive to being criticised, so I have to be careful about this.

OP posts:
boobybum · 16/09/2024 17:18

Can’t the nanny clean up?

TheShellBeach · 16/09/2024 17:19

I'd tell your mum that you can't cope with this, because of the mess.

TheShellBeach · 16/09/2024 17:19

boobybum · 16/09/2024 17:18

Can’t the nanny clean up?

Why on earth should she?
It isn't her mess.

Puppyyikes · 16/09/2024 17:20

TheShellBeach · 16/09/2024 17:19

Why on earth should she?
It isn't her mess.

Exactly. And if my mum takes my DD for an afternoon, it’s me cleaning up.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 16/09/2024 17:21

I think the nanny should be there for the hours you're paying her and your mum can take the baby for a walk or something. Or visit at the weekend!

Cm19841 · 16/09/2024 17:21

Can your daughter go to your mum's house and then the mess is there?

Spinderellaseverywhere · 16/09/2024 17:21

Haha sounds like my mum but I haven’t given a nanny unpaid leave and she’s doing me a favour so I don’t say anything. Could she do the childcare on a weekend so you and your partner can go out for a bit instead?

MissMoneyFairy · 16/09/2024 17:23

boobybum · 16/09/2024 17:18

Can’t the nanny clean up?

Why should the children's nanny clear up after a perfectly capable adult, she's not the nana slave. Ask mum to put the dishes in the kitchen, wipe down, sweep up, put dirty clothes in the basket.m

Puppyyikes · 16/09/2024 17:24

Spinderellaseverywhere · 16/09/2024 17:21

Haha sounds like my mum but I haven’t given a nanny unpaid leave and she’s doing me a favour so I don’t say anything. Could she do the childcare on a weekend so you and your partner can go out for a bit instead?

Good idea but we both really like to spend weekends with our DD. We don’t do that much stuff just us (except once she’s in bed)

OP posts:
loropianalover · 16/09/2024 17:24

YANBU, your mums being annoying. Tell her she can have/visit DD at the weekend as you need the nanny there during the week to make sure the house is kept in order, the nanny is contracted for full time and needs to work her full week. It was her that couldn’t nail a day for childcare, she doesn’t get to come in and upset the harmony of the house as she pleases.

Caroparo52 · 16/09/2024 17:24

Could you ask Namny to clear up child related mess caused by dm before you get home.
Tell nanny that she's not regarded as the cleaner at all and she's still onto a winner regarding paid hours.
Could you take dc to dm's house leaving dh to desired solitude. Have a fabby time at dm's, don't lift a finger and leave place as she leaves yours.... wrecked...she might cotton on....

Moveoverdarlin · 16/09/2024 17:24

I would just walk in and say ‘bloody hell it looks like a bombs gone off in here’.

Puppyyikes · 16/09/2024 17:28

Thanks everyone, I was worried I was being totally spoiled and unreasonable here! Unfortunately my DD cant go to my mums because it is VERY much not child proofed, and I don’t want to add child proofing her house to my list….

OP posts:
IdLikeToBeAFraser · 16/09/2024 17:30

Is the mess being created by your mum and the baby being at home? I don't completely agree with everyone else who is outraged at the idea of the nanny tidying up - she's being paid and usually this would be her job. But there is an element of it being a bit icky, so I do see the problem.

I do think it's perfectly reasonable to say to your mum, "Mum, the nanny is expensive but one of the benefits for us is that she looks after the DC really well AND when we get home, the mess from playing and eating and general craziness of young children is tidied up. It's great that you want to spend time with DC, but I can't pay for the nanny AND have all this mess. If you want to see DD, perhaps you could take her to your house and bring her back to the nanny or take her out for the day."

AGirlInACountrySong · 16/09/2024 17:33

boobybum · 16/09/2024 17:18

Can’t the nanny clean up?

Er.... that's not the nanny's job, so no!!

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 16/09/2024 17:33

Alternatively, it's not ideal, but you say to your nanny, "Look, I know this is a bit shitty, but on the days my mother has her, can you stick around and keep an eye on things, tidy up, take charge of food etc because if my mum does it, it's a nightmare." I can see why she might not like that, but technically, as she's being paid, you would be within your rights to ask.

MSLRT · 16/09/2024 17:35

I would stick to the Nanny being there full time and your mum coming sometimes at the weekend. She had her chance to do childcare and didn't want to and it isn't reasonable that she turns up and disrupts the Nanny's routine and work. With respect, she has had her children. She doesn't need to be there all the time.

Skyrainlight · 16/09/2024 17:37

Ask your mother if she would prefer to leave the house tidy when she looks after DD or to have the nanny there at the same time so the house is tidy when you get home. Her choice. You are paying the nanny anyway so there isn't an issue if she stays and does a tiny tidy up.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/09/2024 17:45

Is it the same day she asks to see her? If so I would book some classes for your DD that your mother can take her to, keep her out of your house for as long as possible.

Glimber · 16/09/2024 17:46

I can identify with this. In theory you can craft some sentences and your mum will understand and do as you ask.

In practice, however, people don't react as per the textbooks. We ended up using nursery more instead. There was just no way to have this conversation with my mum. I could see the tiredness in her eyes at the end of the day, it's knackering looking after a baby or toddler if you're not used to it so I couldn't ask more of her. Also I think she would also have been really offended, and thought we were throwing her help back in her face. Your mum might be different.

Puppyyikes · 16/09/2024 17:52

TomatoSandwiches · 16/09/2024 17:45

Is it the same day she asks to see her? If so I would book some classes for your DD that your mother can take her to, keep her out of your house for as long as possible.

No, it’s always a different day. That’s why we have the FT nanny, because we never know when my mum will come.

in theory it would work to have our nanny stay and do the clean up, but it might make me more resentful- it feels like such a waste to be paying someone to be in our house for half a day, for them to just do a 30-40 min clean! I’d rather have the goodwill of giving our nanny the half day off, if you know what I mean.

Our nanny is great and I don’t love messing with her routine every week. She also plans classes for my DD that then end up cancelled or rescheduled because of my mum coming round. so at least the goodwill helps with that!

OP posts:
Phineyj · 16/09/2024 17:55

Oh just knock this on the head.

Your mum is trying to have her cake and eat it and causing you quite a lot of inconvenience. Just have her round for lunch once a month or ask if she'd babysit in the evening once in a while!

Thursdaygirl · 16/09/2024 18:00

Phineyj · 16/09/2024 17:55

Oh just knock this on the head.

Your mum is trying to have her cake and eat it and causing you quite a lot of inconvenience. Just have her round for lunch once a month or ask if she'd babysit in the evening once in a while!

This!

Phineyj · 16/09/2024 18:02

My mum didn't understand that nursery isn't flexible as she'd never used one (she wanted to have DD every other week) but when she understood that I'd have to pay for the day anyway, she immediately said she'd do every week. The same day (which she chose).

She had DD at her house, I bought her all the things she needed (or she got them on Freecycle) and she took DD to a music class locally to her each week. We tweaked our arrangements to suit both of us - she agreed I could drop 10 minutes earlier so I wouldn't be late for work and I arranged to finish work early those days so it wasn't too long a day. When she started to struggle with toddler DD we stopped and I got another day at nursery.

That's what an actually helpful grandma does!

ttcat37 · 16/09/2024 18:14

Why are you so worried about telling your mum no? She’s inconveniencing your whole set up every single week, and you’re tolerating it because… why? You say you have to be careful because she’s sensitive to criticism, but to what end? You all lose out on money, activities, plans etc, just so your mum can see your child when she clicks her fingers. I wouldn’t be tolerating that.

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