To ask mum to clean up?

[Puppyyikes]

My DD is almost 2 and we have a FT nanny as my husband and I both work 5 days a week. My mum was never able to commit to a specific childcare day, although I did ask her, back when we got our nanny - because she likes to travel a lot with her sister. If she had been willing, we’d have gotten a PT nanny or done nursery.

now though, my mum texts every week to ask when she can see my DD, and usually comes up one afternoon or morning per week to take her. This means our nanny gets paid time off, half a day a week or sometimes more (since it isn’t her choice not to work.) I find this annoying at times, as it means we’re overpaying, but I’ve had to make peace with it for the trade off of my DD having time with her GM.

However, on the days when my mum takes my DD, she does no cleaning at all, meaning the house looks like a total bomb has gone off when I get home from work. WIBU to ask her to please clean up dirty plates etc / food on the floor / normal toddler stuff? Or should I just be grateful for the (unsolicited…) childcare?

my mum also comes regularly on weekends, but there’s only so much we can have her round before it gets a bit much for my husband. He works very long hours so only really gets to see our DD on weekends.

just wondering how others would deal with this situation. My mum is very sensitive to being criticised, so I have to be careful about this.

Your mum needs to host her grandchild at her own home, not yours. That way all the mess is hers to clean up.

It’s not unreasonable to ask your DM to be tidier. But it might not be a good idea to insist or kick up too much of a fuss.

I think you need to ask yourself how much you want your DD to have a strong bond with your DM. It sounds like your DM is putting a fair amount of time and effort into her DGC, even if she won’t prioritise her over other things. And that is probably a really good experience for your DC and will lead to a closer relationship with her DGM - a relationship that will almost certainly last longer than the one with the nanny.

How much sacrifice is it to have to clean up after DM or to have a messy house for the evening (could the nanny do the tidying the next day, after she’s got the afternoon off)? Is it worth the long term benefit to your DC?

Sometimes it's not whether it's worth it or not though, it's can I manage the extra work at this point in my life? Working FT with young children is a feat in itself and doesn't always leave much headroom for extra tasks, however worthwhile.

Well, I was going to suggest you tell you mum that you’ve employed someone to look after your child and leave the house suitable for you after a day’s work, so can she please do the same. But now that you’ve said she also will take the baby off somewhere instead of taking her to classes that you’ve paid for: your mum is being completely unreasonable. Shockingly so. She’s throwing around her grandmother weight, wanting to have everything her way, to her schedule, at her whim, never mind the inconvenience or expense to you, the nanny or your child.

Your mum doesn’t need to be like this to forge a relationship with your child. She can simply a Elly respect other people, their time, their property.

Knock it on the head. She won’t like it but you should set down conditions: nanny is here x-y hours, we pay for it, we pay for classes that we’ve paid nanny to take child to, we can’t waste that money. Please let me know if advance when you want to visit: if it clashes with a class, you’ll have to find another time. Once you’ve said you’re coming I will organize the nanny accordingly. She’s not Uber Eats, she’s my child’s primary caregiver during her waking hours.

This is actually shockingly entitled on your mum’s part, when you think about it. Unless you live in downtown abbey and have FT staff at your disposal 24/7/364, AND money to spare, it’s almost like your mum is taking the piss if your ability to afford all these things for your lifestyle as a family.

"Our nanny is great and I don’t love messing with her routine every week. She also plans classes for my DD that then end up cancelled or rescheduled because of my mum coming round. so at least the goodwill helps with that!"
You say that "my mum texts every week to ask when she can see my DD" - why are you not telling her that e.g. 'well it can't be Tuesday afternoon, that's her dance class, or Thursday morning because that's <whatever> ...' - why do you not see that YOU are in control of when your mother sees DD? She asks - so you need to tell.

" My mum is very sensitive to being criticised, so I have to be careful about this."
Hmm. I have found in the past that people who are 'sensitive' really aren't. What they are is unwilling to be criticised, a totally different thing. A controlling thing, if you think it through. I take the view that if you don't want to be criticised, don't do anything criticisable. Asking her to "clean up dirty plates etc / food on the floor / normal toddler stuff" - well you shouldn't have to ask, she should just do that automatically! So yes, as well as choosing when she can see DD so as not to disrupt DD's classes, put your big girl pants on and tell your mother to be a fucking adult in your house and clean up after herself/DD!

It sounds like everything is on your Mum's terms. You are allowed to have some boundaries. Especially if the nanny has booked classes.

I would just suck it up and tidy up myself when I get home from work. My mum used to collect my daughter from school one day each week and look after her until I got home and I would never have dreamt of expecting her to clear up.

" My mum is very sensitive to being criticised, so I have to be careful about this."
Hmm. I have found in the past that people who are 'sensitive' really aren't. What they are is unwilling to be criticised, a totally different thing. A controlling thing, if you think it through.

Defintely!!!

Jesus sounds awful.

how about say to your mum that it needs to be a regular day? Otherwise it’s too much for everyone. Then offer Monday or Tuesdays or whatever. Just ignore drama and don’t cancel the nanny until your mum actually arrives.

aounds like you are doing a LOT of pandering to your mum.

I wouldn’t expect your mum to necessarily clean, but at least tidy. Eg, toys in toy box , dirty plates in kitchen or sink etc.

I really struggle to believe many posts on here and this is definitely one of those.
Proper guidelines for what nanny does, including tidying, cleaning, etc need to be specific.
Proper info to your mum, nicely put, may help. She may think she's stepping on nanny's toes etc.
Accept the situation as not perfect but very close to it. You really don't have a problem. DH needs to sort his own issues out with your mums presence.

Perhaps have the nanny there with them to help with the clean up so your DM is just having fun with your DD and not feeling like she is there for childcare. Nanny can still chill a bit whilst GM is playing with DD but there to do otherwise normal duties?

And pay out extra money on top of the childcare she is already paying for and not using?

Ex nanny here. Getting the nanny to clear up is a quick way to build resentment as if the nanny is always having to change plans she makes this may eventually get annoying for them. Free time off that's last minute isn't really a perk. It's fun the first few times but depending on what stage of life she is at its not that useful as it seams. She ca n't plan to get her hair cut or meet a friend.

Maybe give her the option of getting ahead of tasks she normaly does when your child is around like changing bed, cleaning nursery, meal prep, washing/ironing or cleaning toys, washing carseat covers.
This would only work if your child doesn't cling to your nanny.

a) clean up yourself, plenty of us worked full time with very small children
b) negotiate with your nanny to do this (it is outside her remit, unless she made the mess, tbh, so be prepared to pay
c) get a cleaner

your mum is there for granny-time, not chores.

Personally, if I was paying the nanny, I would ask that she be at the house for that time and clean up the child’s toys, prepare the child’s food etc. If your mum can’t clean up her own stuff, I’d tell her to bring her own food or eat out. Or stop this arrangement and she gets time with her grandchild when you see your mum.

"Our nanny is great and I don’t love messing with her routine every week. She also plans classes for my DD that then end up cancelled or rescheduled because of my mum coming round. so at least the goodwill helps with that!"

So this is what you tell your Mum. Tell her that it's not working out during the week and it's messing with the Nanny's routine.

oh god just read OPs updates.

30 minutes? ffs. Grow up and tell your mum not to leave a mess. That she can come round when the nanny is officially off, otherwise it doesn't work.

What exactly is this mess? a bit of a wipe round and putting stuff in the dishwasher and slinging toys in the toybox? or a deep clean of the skirting boards and venetian blinds?

Hi OP’s mum 🤣

Seriously though, the mother isn’t doing OP a favour, she’s making more mess and work for OP and OP has to pander to her mother or face her kicking off.

@Puppyyikes knock the visits from your mum on the head. It’s not working, it’s disruptive to your nanny’s plans and routine and it’s creating more work for you.

She can visit on the weekend, if it’s convenient to you.

This ☝🏼☝🏼

Good nannies are like gold dust, don’t lose yours by pissing her off. Messing her about last minute shows no respect for her role at all.

You are messing with your child's routine. Not just the nanny and your own, but it is good for your child to learn that there is a rhythm to the week (eg on Tuesday we go to the library). As a PP has said, you should just tell your mum which days it is actually suitable for her to see your DD (not when DD has something on). And she can take her for a walk or spend an hour at your house. The nanny can then get ahead of chores or something for that hour. Then your mum won't be making a lot of mess and won't have anything to tidy up. The unpredictability and late notice of your mum isn't helping anyone.

"Our nanny is great and I don’t love messing with her routine every week. She also plans classes for my DD that then end up cancelled or rescheduled because of my mum coming round. so at least the goodwill helps with that!"

Jesus wept. Why are you such a doormat. Tell your mum she's messing up the nanny and the child's routines so she can't come round while you're at work anymore.

I think you need to lay down several ground rules here one your mum needs to give you advance notice of a week so the classes are not missed so that you’re not missing your nanny around. Then I think seeing as your nanny is still being paid which is great it would be no harm in asking her if she would be willing to tidy up on those days seeing as she still being paid. I know if I was a nanny. I wouldn’t mind at all I’m getting and all I have to do is tidy the house a little bit. But on the same vein, you need to speak to your dm openly about trying to reduce the mess that she makes so that everyone is happier. It’s only two conversations that you need to have.

Thanks everyone. I think as many of you have said, I’m just going to have to have the awkward conversation with my mum and accept that she might be offended. I like the idea of her taking DD out for a walk or to the park for an hour, and letting our nanny catch up on home tasks. I agree with PP that good nannies are like gold dust and I want her to know we feel that way!

Id suck up the mess and tidying up IF my mum was actually doing me a favour. But it doesnt really sound like yours is. Shes messing with nanny and DCs routine, wants it her own way by popping in when she feels like it. Expecting to see DC only when it suits her. Sorry this is where you need to put your foot down and just say no! Either she has a set afternoon so you, DC & nanny have a good routine, or she can visit on the weekends.