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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask mum to clean up?

169 replies

Puppyyikes · 16/09/2024 17:16

My DD is almost 2 and we have a FT nanny as my husband and I both work 5 days a week. My mum was never able to commit to a specific childcare day, although I did ask her, back when we got our nanny - because she likes to travel a lot with her sister. If she had been willing, we’d have gotten a PT nanny or done nursery.

now though, my mum texts every week to ask when she can see my DD, and usually comes up one afternoon or morning per week to take her. This means our nanny gets paid time off, half a day a week or sometimes more (since it isn’t her choice not to work.) I find this annoying at times, as it means we’re overpaying, but I’ve had to make peace with it for the trade off of my DD having time with her GM.

However, on the days when my mum takes my DD, she does no cleaning at all, meaning the house looks like a total bomb has gone off when I get home from work. WIBU to ask her to please clean up dirty plates etc / food on the floor / normal toddler stuff? Or should I just be grateful for the (unsolicited…) childcare?

my mum also comes regularly on weekends, but there’s only so much we can have her round before it gets a bit much for my husband. He works very long hours so only really gets to see our DD on weekends.

just wondering how others would deal with this situation. My mum is very sensitive to being criticised, so I have to be careful about this.

OP posts:
IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 24/09/2024 08:19

GrannyRose15 · 23/09/2024 18:53

Your mother is coming to visit her grandchild not to do your housework.

Yes very true. But this isn’t her housework, this is clearing up the mess she’s made

phoenixrosehere · 24/09/2024 08:24

Phineyj · 23/09/2024 19:31

There's a difference between "doing the housework" and leaving a mess. Leaving a mess is just rude.

Agree.

Ridiculous how many don’t know the difference and making excuses for not doing the simple task of cleaning up after oneself.

If it was partner doing this regardless if the child was theirs or not, posters would be calling them lazy and telling them to get rid.

If a poster did this to their mum when they were visiting with their own child, posters would be telling them off for leaving a mess for their mum, but this grandmother gets a pass when she decides to visit (if she doesn’t change her mind on a whim about it), and the paid help should just clean up after her when it is likely not her job, baffling and definitely not people I would ever want to work for in any capacity.

WoolySnail · 24/09/2024 09:37

Give your mum an invoice for all the missed Nanny hours and classes. Obviously don't actually take any payment, but it might focus her mind if she can actually see how much money is being wasted. Then discuss when are appropriate times to visit.

GrannyRose15 · 25/09/2024 12:20

I'm wondering how much mess one woman and one child can make in an afternoon. is it that the toys aren't put away - the child might still be playing with them. Is it dirty pots left on the side - mum might not want to interfere with the way the dish washer is loaded. I suspect the OP is a perfectionist who expects to come home each evening to an immaculate house. Whatever it is she is being
unreasonable. Ok if it matters to her that much have a calm conversation with Mum, but don[t think she will get what she wants by demanding that her Mum does the housework for her. And those that say it isn't housework have a peculiar view of what constitutes housework.

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 25/09/2024 12:43

GrannyRose15 · 23/09/2024 18:53

Your mother is coming to visit her grandchild not to do your housework.

But OP’s mum is MAKING the mess.

Whereas if the nanny looked after the child there would be no mess.

Op’s mother isn’t doing OP any favours.

Gimmeabreak2025 · 25/09/2024 12:47

Could the nanny be at the house when your mums there and keep the clutter under control as you’re still paying her

FiveLoadsFourLiftsThreeMeals · 25/09/2024 19:40

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 25/09/2024 12:43

But OP’s mum is MAKING the mess.

Whereas if the nanny looked after the child there would be no mess.

Op’s mother isn’t doing OP any favours.

Exactly this. I suspect Granny Rose is being deliberately obtuse pretending not to understand this, though quite why she's invested in grandmothers being treated visiting gods honouring their adult children by acknowledging their grandchildren and absolutely not picking up the mess they have made is anyone's guess.

RhubarbieRhubarbie · 25/09/2024 19:51

Skyrainlight · 16/09/2024 17:37

Ask your mother if she would prefer to leave the house tidy when she looks after DD or to have the nanny there at the same time so the house is tidy when you get home. Her choice. You are paying the nanny anyway so there isn't an issue if she stays and does a tiny tidy up.

I think this

GrannyRose15 · 25/09/2024 20:41

FiveLoadsFourLiftsThreeMeals · 25/09/2024 19:40

Exactly this. I suspect Granny Rose is being deliberately obtuse pretending not to understand this, though quite why she's invested in grandmothers being treated visiting gods honouring their adult children by acknowledging their grandchildren and absolutely not picking up the mess they have made is anyone's guess.

No mystery. It’s all in the name. I have done a tremendous amount for my daughter and her two boys. If I clear up her house it is because I choose to do so. She never clears up mine and would get short shift if she suggested I wasn’t doing enough.

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 25/09/2024 20:43

GrannyRose15 · 25/09/2024 20:41

No mystery. It’s all in the name. I have done a tremendous amount for my daughter and her two boys. If I clear up her house it is because I choose to do so. She never clears up mine and would get short shift if she suggested I wasn’t doing enough.

The point is there would be no mess if Grandma didn’t visit.

Pistachiochiochio · 25/09/2024 20:49

Puppyyikes · 16/09/2024 17:52

No, it’s always a different day. That’s why we have the FT nanny, because we never know when my mum will come.

in theory it would work to have our nanny stay and do the clean up, but it might make me more resentful- it feels like such a waste to be paying someone to be in our house for half a day, for them to just do a 30-40 min clean! I’d rather have the goodwill of giving our nanny the half day off, if you know what I mean.

Our nanny is great and I don’t love messing with her routine every week. She also plans classes for my DD that then end up cancelled or rescheduled because of my mum coming round. so at least the goodwill helps with that!

Oh crumbs, definitely make your mum stick to a set day.

And at the weekend just tell her you're busy

GrannyRose15 · 26/09/2024 15:34

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 25/09/2024 20:43

The point is there would be no mess if Grandma didn’t visit.

Of course the louder you shout the better your argument is. OP asked and I’m telling her what I think. OP is being unkind to her mother.

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 26/09/2024 15:37

GrannyRose15 · 26/09/2024 15:34

Of course the louder you shout the better your argument is. OP asked and I’m telling her what I think. OP is being unkind to her mother.

Don’t caps signify shouting? No caps used.

How is OP being unkind to her mother when she hasn’t even said anything to her and clearing up her mess every week?

GrannyRose15 · 26/09/2024 16:47

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 26/09/2024 15:37

Don’t caps signify shouting? No caps used.

How is OP being unkind to her mother when she hasn’t even said anything to her and clearing up her mess every week?

Bold gives the impression of shouting too. And now who is being obtuse?

Mandaxx25 · 27/09/2024 14:43

No this isn't OK. You're paying a nanny just to have your mum come in and mess your house? Tell her sorry but I'm still paying the nanny to be doing nothing. So either take her overnight, come and visit while the nanny is here or just stick to visiting at the weekend. You're leaving my home in a mess and I'm not about to come home on a day I've forked money out to have a nanny to then have to clean up after you. Who cares if she's sensitive to criticism? That's her problem. Why can't the nanny stay there as she's supposed to and your mum just come in to see the child and go away again?

ensayers · 29/09/2024 17:22

It seems like you want your mum to agree to same time every week ,or not at all.
Your mum doesn't want to commit and I don't blame her, she has freedom and she prefers to visit family occasionally

MabelMora · 29/09/2024 17:31

ThomasPatrickKeatingsDegas · 20/09/2024 12:32

This ☝🏼☝🏼

Good nannies are like gold dust, don’t lose yours by pissing her off. Messing her about last minute shows no respect for her role at all.

I find it hard to believe that anyone would begrudge impromptu paid time off - I'm not a nanny but I do work full time. If I pitched up at work and the managers said 'you can finish at 12 today, paid of course,' I would be over the moon and wouldn't give a shiny shite what day of the week it was. If it was a weekly thing, even better!!

MabelMora · 29/09/2024 17:32

Having said that, I do think you need to knock this on the head, OP. It's pointless paying the nanny and her not working, and having your mother cause you extra work.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/09/2024 17:34

Why can't DH visit with the Nanny still there?

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