To ask mum to clean up?

[Puppyyikes]

My DD is almost 2 and we have a FT nanny as my husband and I both work 5 days a week. My mum was never able to commit to a specific childcare day, although I did ask her, back when we got our nanny - because she likes to travel a lot with her sister. If she had been willing, we’d have gotten a PT nanny or done nursery.

now though, my mum texts every week to ask when she can see my DD, and usually comes up one afternoon or morning per week to take her. This means our nanny gets paid time off, half a day a week or sometimes more (since it isn’t her choice not to work.) I find this annoying at times, as it means we’re overpaying, but I’ve had to make peace with it for the trade off of my DD having time with her GM.

However, on the days when my mum takes my DD, she does no cleaning at all, meaning the house looks like a total bomb has gone off when I get home from work. WIBU to ask her to please clean up dirty plates etc / food on the floor / normal toddler stuff? Or should I just be grateful for the (unsolicited…) childcare?

my mum also comes regularly on weekends, but there’s only so much we can have her round before it gets a bit much for my husband. He works very long hours so only really gets to see our DD on weekends.

just wondering how others would deal with this situation. My mum is very sensitive to being criticised, so I have to be careful about this.

piffle.

I have pointed out that OP needs to grow up and behave like the grown up employer of a nanny and speak to her mother like a grown up.

(2nd post of mine explains better)

In OPs shoes? i would never have let my mum's lack of planning fuck my nanny's routine over.

If she messages wanting to see her and its a day that nanny has planned a class with her I'd absolutely be saying sorry doesn't work for us today. The nanny's taking her to a class. It's far more beneficial for your child to be getting to those classes and socialising with other children than being in the house with her gran making a mess.

"I like the idea of her taking DD out for a walk or to the park for an hour, and letting our nanny catch up on home tasks."

The chickens way out. You know that your mum won't go home after the walk, or at the first sign of cold/wind/rain she won't bother.

Why does she need to visit when your nanny is there and has a planned schedule?

Exactly this!!!!

Piffle 🤣🤣🤣

Hilarious in your quote you say
“a) clean up yourself, plenty of us worked full time with very small children
b) negotiate with your nanny to do this (it is outside her remit, unless she made the mess, tbh, so be prepared to pay
c) get a cleaner
your mum is there for granny-time, not chores.”

then in reply to my response say )
so eloquently) that “I would never have let my mum's lack of planning fuck my nanny's routine over.”

If that’s the case you should have said just that, not that op should hire a cleaner because granny’s there for granny time 🤣🤣🤣

This is really helpful, I feel like I can give myself permission to tell my mum what I think now. I was worried I was being spoiled by complaining about the way she chooses to help, but it seems not!

You need to tell your mum that it needs to be a set day and time because it's not convenient otherwise. She can't upend everyone else's lives and your nanny's work schedule in order to trash your house. That's ridiculous.

You don't need childcare and if she's the sort to like to get her own way she'll probably go out a couple of times with your child and then stop doing it because of an excuse - the weather or something - and return to previous behaviours. Perhaps you all need to spend a half day together at weekends, or go with the set same day/time and tell her to clean up.

If she can't commit to a set day/time because of her schedule, just have a set day/time anyway and if she can't make it every week then she can just let you know when she can't.

i was clearly giving the OP some alternatives to being a wet dishrag.

give it up I don't care what you think you're seeing. OP needs to buckle up and tell her mother "no" or "change" or whatever.

but noted. Next time I'll add a disclaimer that it is a non-exhaustive list and other options are available.

this

@Puppyyikes

How much does DD get out of spending time with your mum?

Is your Mum (physically & transport wise) able to take DD to her booked classes?

is your Mum always a bit, hmmm, 'less house proud' (more scruffy) than you at her house?

it's quite unusual for a mum to leave their adults house in a worse state than when she arrived.

Your mother asks to see your child. That doesn’t mean you always have to say yes (or have to say yes full stop). No is also an answer. Think about what suits you and her (eg she could come over in the evening, she could take daughter to a weekly activity, she could see her it’s the weekend…). For starters I would never cancel activities which your nanny booked- your mum needs to learn that your daughter has activities which have been planned, booked and paid. Personally I would just stop all the during the week visits, if it’s becoming so messy. Ultimately, you have a family and your daughter is not a toy for your mum to pick up whenever she likes. You need to find a solution which works for everyone- ie doesn’t make your life more hectic by having weekly unplanned visits and more mess, but also doesn’t keep your daughter from doing the activities which the nanny planned for her.

When my dad used to look after my kids at my house he’d never tidy up. I just had to accept that if he’s looking after/spending time with his GD’s then I have an untidy house.

Just how much mess is there?

Because some of us are petrified of our mums and have been taught that going against them is not a good idea.

But your mum wants to spend time with her grandchild. She's not coming round to clear up, and it sounds like she's not the kind of mum who would do that as a matter of course. Surely you can tell your nanny that she's free to go home early once the house is in a relatively tidy state, post-toddler messiness. And as for cancelled or re-scheduled classes, can't you just suggest times when there are no classes for your mum to visit?

It's a bit different to your situation, but if my dd asks me to babysit then I 'm doing her a favour and that doesn't include doing her housework!

If my gkids make a mess and don't clean it up when asked then she can deal with it/them when she gets home.

If I babysit at my house I don't expect her to clean it after they've been.

We do our own housework (although I did clean her house when she had a new born)

It's hard enough getting my very untidy dh to clean up his mess 😪

Could you ask your Mum to make it a regular weekday morning that she comes, and specify start and finish time? You could give the nanny the morning off and ask her to be back in time to make lunch. Your Mum might be annoyed at being tied down, but you could emphasise what another poster said: that it's tricky for the nanny to plan hair cuts and meetings with friends and so on, if she doesn't know when she'll be free. Would your Mum leave a mess knowing that the nanny would see it first? Maybe not, but if so at least it won't include the lunch things and the nanny having had some time to herself might be less irritated by it.

Or maybe this wouldn't work at all, but it's a thought.

@Growlybear83 My thoughts exactly, its the posters home so I think the responsibility sits there but not sure if IABU

It's a no brainer. Get The Nanny to hang out with your mother. Stay in the house to keep an eye on things ....... Say just a one off maybe...... It will irritate your mother and when she realises as NANNY helps wash and clean up ......job done.

The child is 1.

I don't generally "do housework" at my DP/PIL/DSis's houses, but I definitely wouldn't leave them in more of a mess than when I arrived! And when my DNieces were babies I would unload the washing machine or put a shopping delivery away or whatever. It's only polite when someone's in the childcare trenches.

For those suggesting the nanny clean up, the nanny is not a maid. Completely fair to ask the nanny to tiddy up after the child when they are caring for the child. Not ok to ask them to just clean up when someone else is minding the kid.

I certainly wouldn't be cancelling anything. Your mum should work around your child's schedule.... not the other way round!

Most of these (sheet, cleaning car seat, cleaning the nursery) I would see as outside the role of the nanny! Fixing meals for th child, cleaning up after the child - that is in bounds.

Seriously. Op is not asking mum to clean house, just that mum cleans up after child activity from the day!

But gran is not really looking after the child, mum already is paying for childcare. Gran is stepping in for her benefit to see the child, putting the nanny out, and leaving mum worse off because now she has to tiddy the damn house. If gran was actually providing needed childcare, I agree, suck it up and realize that is part of having gran provide needed help. This is not that situation.