To ask mum to clean up?

[Puppyyikes]

My DD is almost 2 and we have a FT nanny as my husband and I both work 5 days a week. My mum was never able to commit to a specific childcare day, although I did ask her, back when we got our nanny - because she likes to travel a lot with her sister. If she had been willing, we’d have gotten a PT nanny or done nursery.

now though, my mum texts every week to ask when she can see my DD, and usually comes up one afternoon or morning per week to take her. This means our nanny gets paid time off, half a day a week or sometimes more (since it isn’t her choice not to work.) I find this annoying at times, as it means we’re overpaying, but I’ve had to make peace with it for the trade off of my DD having time with her GM.

However, on the days when my mum takes my DD, she does no cleaning at all, meaning the house looks like a total bomb has gone off when I get home from work. WIBU to ask her to please clean up dirty plates etc / food on the floor / normal toddler stuff? Or should I just be grateful for the (unsolicited…) childcare?

my mum also comes regularly on weekends, but there’s only so much we can have her round before it gets a bit much for my husband. He works very long hours so only really gets to see our DD on weekends.

just wondering how others would deal with this situation. My mum is very sensitive to being criticised, so I have to be careful about this.

Tell your mum, if she gets offended then it's her problem. You should tell her that it makes extra work for you after a long day at work. This isn't for the nanny to clean up.

I would actually feel more resentful of paying nanny for nothing. Surely she can find a ton of things to do to fill a half day- batch cooking or meal prep for the week, thorough clean and tidy of the playroom/ nursery room, sorting out toys, ironing all her clothes? Easy enough to fill that time.

I have a 2yo that has one nap a day and very little time outside of that to do anything else. So I can't imagine how your nanny is cooking proper meals, doing the tidying and general stuff without keeping an eye on your dc.
Also planning classes is zero effort at all. It's just booking a class and taking her there, I'm not sure where the work is?
I have a PT nanny that comes in everyday, sometimes if my dd is napping or I want to take her out then I leave stuff for her to do. There is always something to do.

But here the mum isn't doing anyone a favour - her daughter is wasting money paying for childcare plus having to come home to a load of housework. Granddaughter is missing out on planned activities.

In this position I would say that mum is welcome to take the child out to the park or wherever, giving the nanny time at home to do any meal prep/laundry/ activity planning, so long as this is at a time convenient to everyone

TBH the thing that would piss me off here, more than the mess, is that DM is disrupting DC and nanny's routine and the activities the nanny has planned by visiting randomly. It's perfectly reasonable to explain this to DM and ask her to stick to the same time each week so that both the nanny and DC know what to expect.

Stop thinking of it as unsolicited childcare.

it’s a grandma visit.

and maybe have her come later so you get a mommy visit! Like into the evening or supper.

and/or revisit the nanny contract. If grandma takes kiddo for four hours, have that turn into 2 hours deep clean time. That’s totally within normal.

cousin had a full time nanny, and while kiddo was in half day kindergarten nanny would clean, it was glorious.

@Puppyyikes just wondering how others would deal with this situation. My mum is very sensitive to being criticised, so I have to be careful about this.

I'd tell my mother to clean up if she wants to have these visits. Otherwise, no visits.

If you can't do that, then ask the nanny to do the clearing up, no paid time off and just cleaning not looking after the children.

If you can't do that, then ask mother to pay for a cleaner to come after she visits.

Please don't resent having to pay nanny for these 1/2 days.

Your mum is being self-indulgent here, and not respectful of your home or your money, or the fact that looking after a baby is work thst people get paid for.

I think you need to directly ask her to clean up after herself and the baby. Surely she did this when she herself was a mother of babies?

I think she needs to take the baby to classes and activities that have been scheduled too.

Well said!

Why not tell the nanny to stick around? It’s an easy day for her rather than time off.

You're dancing around your mum too much. I know your situation, believe me. She needs to get told no, sorry, we have a class on that day, we're paying the nanny to take her. Do you want to take her to the class? I mean, you are paying for a nanny and a class and then both get cancelled because your mum decides to swan in and then leaves your house in a mess. She sounds like very hard work. Yes, I have no doubt that she's extremely 'sensitive' to being pulled up on her behaviour but you need to do so, right now she's just creating problems.

If your mum is old enough to have a grandchild, she's old enough to be upset and deal with it.

I was a nanny, qualified and went through extensive training. It was a career, it wasn't a gap year thing (just to give background).

Nannies and AuPairs are different.

I think PP see them as one and the same and this is contributing to the comments.

A nannies job is to clean child related mess caused by activities/meals done whilst in her care.

I would have given my notice if one of my employers had suggested I hang around cleaning up after her mother.
It just isn't the done thing and would certainly have been seen as quite disrespectful by myself and the other nannies I knew.

I'm sorry OP, but either your mum needs to step up and clean up or you need to do things like have the nanny meet her with your DD at softplay etc.

Edit: and the PP suggestion of turning the hours into the nanny doing a "deep clean" is absolutely outrageous.

Your mother is not the paid help. YABU

OP, your family life is a priority not your mother.
You both work full-time so it is about what works for you.
No way would I tolerate her coming only when it suited, missing classes and leaving a mess after her.
Simply not worth it.
Tell her.

If you love your mum and want her to have a loving relationship with your dd I'd let it go. It's one afternoon a week and it won't be for long

I’m a qualified nanny, 19 years experience.

The suggestion of your nanny using the time to deep clean” is outrageous. Hire a cleaner. I am not that. I will clean up after myself and the children, the house will never be in a worse state then when you left it that morning at 95% of the time will be cleaner. But I am not a cleaner and I am not deep cleaning.

I am also not there to clear up and run around after a grandparent who comes in, messes up the routine, messes up the house and swans back out again. It’s infuriating to regularly have routines messed up like this (one offs, of course, have fun with nanna kids but on a weekly basis? Nope)

OP you sound like you’re stuck in the middle of this and paying for missed classes is I’m sure incredibly annoying but you need to speak to your mother about it, letting it carry on is only going to build resentment to a point you can’t come back from. Highly sensitive or not, you need to discuss this with her, both you and your nanny deserve respect and not to be messed around

Basically the good reliable nanny is the priority to keep happy here as without her you and your DH can't do your jobs and then one person (you) will have loads of time to spend with your DM!

Whereas DM could come at the weekend.

I have a friend who does granny visits in a nanny situation. It's on a day and time specified by the mum. Same day each week. I cannot in a million years imagine my friend leaving a mess. She almost certainly leaves it tidier.

I am going to go out on a limb here and guess your DM neither worked outside the home in a professional role nor employed a nanny, OP.

My friend did. She gets it.

this

Because she’s paid to do it?

I would at the very least be ensuring that DM didn't disrupt the pre planned classes. Does she turn up unannounced? I'd be having a word about this as it's unfair to DD! Even if every week is a different day/time, she needs to let you know with enough notice for you to say no if there are other plans in place.
I would also really struggle to ask my mum to clean up after herself as she is sensitive, so I understand this. Maybe the suggestion that your nanny could stick around and tidy up would make her realise that she's being messy and she might be a bit tidier rather than having the nanny there to "watch" her?

She's paid to look after the child, not clean up after another adult

Tell her when she can come over rather than her deciding and upsetting everyone else's well thought-out routine. Your DD should not have to miss classes because of her whims. You also risk losing a good nanny. DM can babysit some evenings, and come over for tea once or twice a month at the weekend. (Tea so not there all day if DH finds that too much). Perhaps she can take DD out for a few hours too. you are in charge, not her; she needs to respect that.

The nanny is paid to clear up after mess herself and the child makes. Not whatever shit tip Granny leaves it in

I would ask the nanny only to do any tidy up that is child related, as they should be doing that anyway during their paid hours.

Is there anything else your nanny could be getting on with to make the most out of her hours? Planning activities for the next day? Meal prep for the child?

None of this issue should blow back on the nanny. The nanny may not make 10% of the mess that the GM does so wouldn't necessarily be doing that. Bizarre as to why anyone is even posting about what the nanny should be doing. The nanny shouldn't be being dicked about.