Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH withholding baby from me

246 replies

Hoorayharry · 16/09/2024 16:20

I have a baby who is 12 weeks old, he’s generally a chilled baby but has episodes of crying especially in the evenings. I know this is normal but it makes me upset when he won’t stop crying, and a few times I’ve found myself crying with him.

Whenever this happens DH takes him away from me and won’t hand him back. He’s been doing this since baby was about 4 weeks old. It’s starting to make me feel really bad about myself. I am only crying I’m not getting angry or hysterical. DH says I’m in no fit state to hold him. I’m finding it really difficult and want to tell him it goes against my instincts as a mother to have my baby withheld from me. I’m hoping he does it because he’s trying to help me but it would help me more if he handed baby back when I ask? AIBU here?

OP posts:
GLVF · 16/09/2024 21:21

Pookerrod · 16/09/2024 20:36

Early evening crying is completely normal. They are overtired and can’t self sooth.

Try and think about this from a different perspective, it is actually helpful for your baby to get used to your DH soothing him and putting him down for bed. I was the only one who did this for my nightmare baby and then it became a habit and he wouldn’t go down for anyone else. I was trapped in a fucking nightmare of relentless bedtime routines.

the next time your baby is fussing too much and the relentless crying is becoming overwhelming because you’re rightfully exhausted, just hand baby over, make yourself a cup of tea and run a bath for yourself. It doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you and your DH a team.

Our third baby had reflux and I only realised quite late. Once she had medication it was fine, and she only needed it for about 3-4 weeks.

But also, not sure if this has been said, depending on whether you breastfeed, the baby can smell you and so if the partner takes the baby, it can be less frantic (assuming the baby is already well fed and nourished properly!) as the baby can no longer smell you and cry for you as the 'supplier of food'.

I think a few people have been unduly negative here; he may be trying to help but also navigating the early days of parenting and not brilliantly able to express what he's trying to do. I think the first few weeks of parenting need a huge amount of understanding from both sides and very few expectations of one another, other than you're both on the same team and trying to do your best with untold exhaustion and heightened emotions on both ends of the scale!

Support each other and don't stop communicating.

Tagyoureit · 16/09/2024 21:37

I find it strange that you cry just because your baby is crying, and in that moment, you probably aren't the best person to be trying to calm a crying baby. Babies feed of their mothers emotions so actually DH is actually trying to help because your both crying.

Hello87abc · 16/09/2024 22:35

Why on earth should he ask if he can hold and care of the baby? It’s his baby?

Hereforaglance · 16/09/2024 23:34

Hoorayharry · 16/09/2024 18:32

I think it’s the tone when he takes baby that I don’t like, obviously I know he’s a parent too? It’s not done out of concern it’s done out of ‘look you can’t cope and you’re a mess so go away’ which feels mean?

Why did you have a child with a man that you don't want near the said child he tries to help he is in the wrong he doesn't help he is in the wrong bar bringing home a wage packet can the poor man do anything right

PorridgeEater · 17/09/2024 00:03

You need to get to the bottom of what causes the crying - get back to the GP so they can investigate whether the child is unwell / in pain due to colic etc. Then you need to learn to deal with the crying in an adult way and remain calm - getting distressed will not help - maybe you need to get help with your own mental health.
DH may be trying to help even if he's not doing it very well - if he sees you coping better he may feel less need to intervene.

Edingril · 17/09/2024 00:14

Yes i will ask would his take on this be totally different to yours?

What is the background to this?

Lavender14 · 17/09/2024 00:19

I'm not sure about this tbh op.

Ds had awful colic and would have cried for hours most nights and not being able to do anything but rock him and hold him was awful. I cried many times but tbh that's when my husband at the time would have stepped in and taken over. It didn't feel great but actually he needed to tap in for a bit and I needed to go and clear my head for 30 minutes and then we swapped again. I think listening to baby cry for over an hour is an awful lot for anyone op. Like really that's distressing. And as the dad I think he should be stepping in and doing his bit to try and settle baby as well. I also think if I refused to let him help he would have got annoyed and defensive with me so I can understand why you're maybe getting the reaction you are. It's ok to let him help you. I bf ds and if you've been trying to settle him repeatedly for over an hour and bf isn't working then actually I think it's probably best for both of you to step away. I imagine it's also not easy for your dh to sit listening to that for over an hour in another room feeling totally useless.

I think you need to agree a strategy for this together so you're not dealing with it in the heat of the moment. Stbxh and I had a 30 min agreement where we'd each take turns trying to settle ds for 30 min then the other would take over. And I think you need to discuss the language he's using... "op I want to take over and help you've been at this a long time" is fine (but you also need to let that be fine and let him help), whereas "you're not coping" is not fine.

Lavender14 · 17/09/2024 00:21

Also just to say does your wee one have any signs of cmpa or tongue tie? For mine it was tongue tie related and it was much better when this was released.

Things that helped massively were using the wonky winding technique, I fed ds lying facing me on his left hand side so he could burp while feeding in the evening and at night, skin to skin and a warm bath. It's really really hard and it's important that you allow yourself to step back now and then.

setmestraightplease · 17/09/2024 00:36

@Kdubs1981
This abusive and controlling and needs to stop immediately.
Do not feel bad about crying when the baby cries. This is normal (don't let anyone tell you different) and there is nothing wrong with it.

Crying when your baby cries is NOT a normal reaction.

Although WANTING to cry when your baby is crying IS often a very normal reaction!!. ................... but there's a difference.

Parenting means understanding your child's needs and meeting them - not just crying in sympathy.

Said with kindness OP - if you are crying in response to your baby's needs then you may need additional support to help you cope with the huge changes that a new baby brings.

And your DH is probably recognising this and wanting to make sure that you're able to cope? - and that your baby's needs are being met. After all, he is also DC's parent and equally entiled to make a decision?

I'm not sure that a mother who cries when her child cries is meeting a baby's needs? ......... xx

UpTheMagicFarawayTree · 17/09/2024 00:45

He's the baby's dad just as much as you are his mum, why does he need to give him back to you? I do think you sound like you need some help as this does not seem normal, it may well be that you are suffering from pnd.

CellophaneFlower · 17/09/2024 01:21

I think it's wrong to label him as abusive/controlling, just as much as it's wrong to assume he's definitely only trying to help as OP isn't coping when we don't really know exactly what's going on here.

I'm assuming your baby settles with his dad? If so, it's perfectly understandable that this might make you upset and feel a bit useless. When you try to take the baby back are you therefore a bit agitated and still emotional? This could explain why DH is reluctant to hand him straight over, which might in turn increase your agitation and then it becomes a viscous circle.

You definitely need to talk this through when you're both calm and only then can you gauge if DH is being supportive or there's more to it. Unless of course he already displays controlling/abusive behaviour in other aspects of your relationship - which only you would know.

thebestinterest · 17/09/2024 03:37

sounds like you need to speak with a specialist, because no, it’s not normal to just cry along with your baby. That’s actually pretty bizarre.

PolaroidPrincess · 17/09/2024 07:10

I'm not sure the OP is coming back.

YoucancallmeBettyDraper · 17/09/2024 08:31

PolaroidPrincess · 17/09/2024 07:10

I'm not sure the OP is coming back.

I wouldn’t, if I were her.
People on here are ghastly.

YoucancallmeBettyDraper · 17/09/2024 08:35

setmestraightplease · 17/09/2024 00:36

@Kdubs1981
This abusive and controlling and needs to stop immediately.
Do not feel bad about crying when the baby cries. This is normal (don't let anyone tell you different) and there is nothing wrong with it.

Crying when your baby cries is NOT a normal reaction.

Although WANTING to cry when your baby is crying IS often a very normal reaction!!. ................... but there's a difference.

Parenting means understanding your child's needs and meeting them - not just crying in sympathy.

Said with kindness OP - if you are crying in response to your baby's needs then you may need additional support to help you cope with the huge changes that a new baby brings.

And your DH is probably recognising this and wanting to make sure that you're able to cope? - and that your baby's needs are being met. After all, he is also DC's parent and equally entiled to make a decision?

I'm not sure that a mother who cries when her child cries is meeting a baby's needs? ......... xx

Oh, please. Crying a bit in the early months when your baby has been screaming for unexplained reasons for over an hour is totally normal. Stop trying to pathologise a normal human reaction. It doesn’t mean she’s not able to tend her baby’s needs. In fact the whole problem is that the child is resistant to soothing.

If she were crying even in calm moments, or felt numb a lot of the time, that would be when to really worry.

I’m so sorry OP, people on here have been horrible. Better to talk to your mum, a friend, or health visitor (and GP for the baby) than the mean girls of Mumsnet

YoucancallmeBettyDraper · 17/09/2024 08:36

thebestinterest · 17/09/2024 03:37

sounds like you need to speak with a specialist, because no, it’s not normal to just cry along with your baby. That’s actually pretty bizarre.

No, you are the bizarre one.

Errors · 17/09/2024 10:25

JFC, is crying now a sure sign that a mother ‘isn’t coping’
What, so along with all of the shit we usually have to put up with, the relentless judgement of our mothering skills (when Dads can seemingly do no wrong) we are supposed to do all of this with a smile on our face and no tears?? What an absolute load of shit

alpacachino · 17/09/2024 10:26

Hoorayharry · 16/09/2024 16:32

If I cry it’s normally when he’s been screaming for an hour or so and hasn’t stopped, I find it upsetting but I wouldn’t say I’m hysterical and normally it’s when I’ve taken 5 minutes break to breathe and stop crying and come back to take him again that DH won’t hand him back. I’ve tried to tell him how it makes me feel but he just said I’m a state and can’t cope but I don’t think that’s fair.

Wow he's nasty.

alpacachino · 17/09/2024 10:29

He could try getting off his lazy arse and helping you with the baby BEFORE it gets to the stage you've been trying to settle them for an HOUR

Missflowerpots · 17/09/2024 10:49

Sounds like a teething baby an over emotional mother and a dad trying to help.

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2024 10:56

alpacachino · 17/09/2024 10:29

He could try getting off his lazy arse and helping you with the baby BEFORE it gets to the stage you've been trying to settle them for an HOUR

Doesn't sound like Op would 'let' him.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/09/2024 13:45

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2024 10:56

Doesn't sound like Op would 'let' him.

Show quote history

I'm sure she would 'let' him if he did it with kindness and compassion and gave her baby back to her when she asked in order to breast feed him.

JazzyBazzy79 · 17/09/2024 15:07

I wonder if baby is in pain or discomfort if he's crying non stop :( does he struggle with colic or any other health condition?
Perhaps he's hungry when he's cry ? X

Pinkflamingo84 · 17/09/2024 18:27

I don't understand why people are saying its not normal to cry when your baby cries, as a one off, no but if baby screams for an hour every single day, I would cry! The throws of postpartum is a very hard place to be for a lot of mothers, if you need to cry, cry! Sounds like baby may have colic, get some colief drops or kendamil comfort drops, they could help to soothe his little tummy and you'll all be happier.

Sending hugs, hang in there mama, it won't be like this forever x

AtlanticMum · 17/09/2024 18:28

Does your baby have evening colic? It is a ‘thing’ and can cause very distressing continuous crying. I was not very good at coping with it as a first time mother. But having seen others cope with it where both Mum and Dad set about soothing the baby - that may be a better approach than everyone becoming upset and stressed. It’s quite natural to have a cry in early baby stages however. And your husband should understand that.