DH withholding baby from me

[Hoorayharry]

I have a baby who is 12 weeks old, he’s generally a chilled baby but has episodes of crying especially in the evenings. I know this is normal but it makes me upset when he won’t stop crying, and a few times I’ve found myself crying with him.

Whenever this happens DH takes him away from me and won’t hand him back. He’s been doing this since baby was about 4 weeks old. It’s starting to make me feel really bad about myself. I am only crying I’m not getting angry or hysterical. DH says I’m in no fit state to hold him. I’m finding it really difficult and want to tell him it goes against my instincts as a mother to have my baby withheld from me. I’m hoping he does it because he’s trying to help me but it would help me more if he handed baby back when I ask? AIBU here?

OP, pleas don't post for parenting advice on AIBU, you won't get much help, just judgemental sneering and people making it worse. There is some abject, mother blaming nonsense on here

Darn! I will win the trophy one day!

Right you made it seem like your husband was doing this every night to you… to be honest it does sound like he’s doing it because he cares about you and the baby and he’s trying to break the distress cycle.

When you say he is withholding the baby, how long is that for?

Well you gotta stop crying in all
honestly. That baby will pick up on that and cry some more. He’s not withholding baby is he, isn’t he trying to help ? Why not just get him to settle baby, my baby never settled for me as he knew everybwhimper I would like all mothers go to him. His dad could ignore every sound and the baby learnt he weren’t getting away with what he could with me.

This. DD used to sob at night and the doctor just wouldn't listen to me, lactose drops worked wonders.
When we started weaning she was diagnosed with a milk protein allergy and suddenly all these other symptoms that I hadn't connected made sense.
Please talk to your doctor and get her checked out

Right, and when you're exhausted and sleep deprived and baby can't settle is exactly when you need someone to step in and 'relieve you'. Even if you think you don't need it, you do. In most cases you being upset isn't going to help settle baby.

I think you need to realize that you being 'unable' to settle baby is NOT a slam against your mothering skills. It's really not. If any mum told me they'd never had 'that moment' when being overwhelmed led to tears I'd laugh at them. We've ALL been there.

It's also important to remember that your DH is your parenting partner. He is and needs to be equally comfortable with and important to baby. And that means 'taking over' at times either because you want him to, need him to, or he just wants to. So many mums these days (I'm old, mine were born in the 80s) seem to feel it has to be 'all them' and that the baby needs to only soothe for them, be held by them, cared for by them. No one else will possibly do. But that creates velcro babies and lazy dads and mums who wonder why they can't go anywhere or do anything without their child crying and clinging.

If you don't like the way your DH 'takes over' then tell him. Give him the words to use so you don't feel belittled, but instead feel cared for and supported.

The two of you have got YEARS ahead of you where you'll need to cooperatively parent. Best to start things off 'right' now.

I honestly don’t get some of the responses, if you see literally crying while attempting to respond to your baby then you aren’t coping.

Is it really preferable for the dad to sit and do F A while you are crying and trying to settle a baby?

It’s not your baby, your DH settling the baby isn’t automatically withholding it from you because you don’t own the baby and you aren’t the only care giver.

Do you think your partner worries you have postnatal depression and is thinking wrongly unfortunately this would help you in some way to calm down and destress yourself or do you think he does it because he feels he can’t trust you? To be honest if my partner was crying holding the baby I would take baby away so my partner can have a rest but I would obviously ask first if that’s what they wanted but to be forced to hand baby over

🚩 This sounds like a massive red flag for controlling behaviour. What does he say when you ask him about why he does it?

Why do they just dismiss us? It’s infuriating.

My son is 6 now and we still have lactose free stuff.

She did say in the OP that it has only happened a few times.

For practical support: Home - ICON Cope (Babies cry, you can cope) x

So your husband only takes him once you've become distressed with the long duration of the crying.

Where the fuck is he whilst baby is crying?

Why isn't he offering help and only taking baby once you've become upset?;you two could be taking it in turns between you to deal with this.

Early evening crying is completely normal. They are overtired and can’t self sooth.

Try and think about this from a different perspective, it is actually helpful for your baby to get used to your DH soothing him and putting him down for bed. I was the only one who did this for my nightmare baby and then it became a habit and he wouldn’t go down for anyone else. I was trapped in a fucking nightmare of relentless bedtime routines.

the next time your baby is fussing too much and the relentless crying is becoming overwhelming because you’re rightfully exhausted, just hand baby over, make yourself a cup of tea and run a bath for yourself. It doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you and your DH a team.

But she also says “whenever this happens” and “since 4 weeks old” which seems to contradict the a few times statement in the OP so it wasn’t really that clear - and other posters have also thought that.

How? How on earth is it controlling? Why is not controlling of the OP to not allow her husband to try and settle the baby? If he stood there and let both his wife and baby cry for hours I’m sure you’d have something else to say. Get a grip and stop throwing words like abuse around - it’s dangerous and honestly makes places like MN a bit of a mockery!! @NoBodyIdRatherBe

The husband has been called a cunt in multiple posts for taking the baby. You're now complaining that he isn't taking him sooner. He really can't win!

If I'd been holding a crying baby for an hour and started crying myself then id be grateful that oh had taken them to have a go at settling...there's lots of posts on here about dad's not stepping up and helping with new baby's, I don't see what's so bad about what he's doing, it's his child too and if you are getting emotional it sounds like he's taking the baby to give you a breather...you don't need to go for 5 minutes to dry your eyes, go and have a bath or chill for an hour ! X

This is my thought too. Babies do sympathy crying, even into toddlerhood. If another human is crying, they will start crying. So if your baby is crying and then you start crying because baby is crying you will both just keep crying until you make yourselves sick and headachey and exhausted.

I think he is right to take the baby and calm the baby so you can concentrate on calming yourself.

I think he is doing what is best for you and the baby. It’s not meant to make you feel bad or like an incompetent mother. Your hormones are all in flux this soon after birth and this is a temporary phase. It’s meant to show you are not alone and he can step up and be a parent to calm a crying baby - it’s not all on you.

Don't be ridiculous. A father taking over soothing his child is NOT controlling behaviour.

A red flag? Controlling ? He's taking the baby to settle because op starts crying...she goes and has 5 minutes and wants the baby back, maybe he thinks she needs more time to actually relax before going straight back into a situation that's just made her cry?

Sorry just realised you said 12 weeks and not 12 months. Ignore what I said about giving a bigger dinner. It’s absolutely normal for baby to be crying in the evening and trying to up your supply at nearly 3 months. Baby is still really new and you and your partner are both still new to parenthood and knackered. It’s great that husband can if he can take baby when you are struggling and need a 10-20 min break but it’s unreasonable not to give baby back as a hungry bf baby is not going to settle for a long period of time without the boob. Have a look on la leche league website and on the Facebook support group ‘Facebook yummy mummies’ and show some of the info on how babies crying/breastfeeding works so that he can understand the importance of handing baby back at times when baby will need feeding. Everyone is different; some breast empty in a few minutes and some over 30+ so it really might just be a case of offering longer feeds, making sure you offer both breasts, if you stop feeding from one breast to soon the baby might not be getting to the higher fat content milk etc etc

What ever the cause (if it is an allergy or tongue tie etc) I agree with other posters that you will get more helpful advice posting in a breastfeeding specific section or a dedicated breastfeeding site.

With regards to your husband, yes he is being unreasonable because he could be settling baby or helping with baby at other times of day that would be more useful to your circumstances and leave you less at the end of your tether when baby is cluster feeding and fussing/crying in the evenings.

He probably doesn't like listening to the baby crying either, then you start crying too so he steps in. I don't think you should insist he gives the baby back 5 mins later it's his baby too, he probably wants to spend some time trying to comfort them as well

Taking turns with the baby makes sense if he doesn’t want to feed and won’t stop crying. You insisting on taking him back without having had a proper break after reaching your limit doesn’t really make sense. You’re both his parents and you’re not the only person who can provide comfort. Maybe your DH feels like you don’t trust him when you try to take the baby back even when you’re clearly in need of a break.

I think it would be much better if you leave the house, walk around the block, reset yourself emotionally and wait quite a lot longer before offering to take over again, instead of making yourself into a martyr and probably making your DH feel useless.