DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

Don’t you do anything together?!

Yes, we do lots of stuff together too. Meals out, holidays, cinema etc.

It sounds like your parent's comments have created this problem. Why do they think you don't deserve some time to yourself? Maybe they can offer to babysit if they feel your DH is so hard done by!

Does he go out as well with his friends? I guess if my husband was out on overnights with children friends regularly I'd get a bit 😳

Encourage him to get a hobby/friends of his own?

I don't think you could be any more reasonable.

It's important to maintain friendships, whether you have children or not.

It does sound like he’s being a bit ridiculous, but a week’s notice isn’t much- presumably you checked with him before booking the tickets for this one in particular- but also any of your trips?

Do you discuss your plans with him beforehand? Like "hey DH is it OK if I go to this show for a few hours, would you be okay with the kids? Do you have anything planned on that day?". Makes it a bit more respectful than just saying you have something booked, can you watch the kids. He would feel more involved in the decision making.

It's a strange thing that both your parents and your husband, who should be your allies, basically tell you that you are going out too much.

Why do you think they are saying this, is there a part of you who understands their reaction or does it seem completely unfair and unwarranted?

Heavens forbid a mum should have a life and a father should look after his children!

When you’re home, are you doing your fair share? Are you, like most women, actually doing more than their fair share of life admin with kids? As long as you aren’t stopping your DH going out, then YANBU. Encourage him to get some friends and hobbies but if he doesn’t want that, looking after his own children doesn’t make him a mug.

Sounds like you’ve grown up imbibing misogyny and have picked a husband who is also used to women having no agency.

How controlling. Just because he doesn’t socialise or have many friends doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.

She said the overnights are a couple of times a year! I don’t think anyone could moan about their partner having 2 nights away a year!

Does your dh realise he's behaving like some sad relic from the 1950s.

If they are HIS children, it's HIS job to do 50% of their care outside working hours. You are entitled to a break just as he is. The fact that he chooses not to go, is his choice.

I'd also tell your mum to keep her bigoted opinions to herself.

I think having time to yourself is fine, healthy even, but it does have to be equal rather than one having more than the other. Your childfree friends are in a different position entirely, they will of course have more time than you.

God, no. Do not ask for permission! Tell with plenty of notice, that’s it.

My STBXH used to say this on the very rare occasion I had a night away or out with my friends.
The irony was that he was out most weekend nights and goes on several weekends and weeks away with his friends every year.
It was used, in my case, to put me back in my 'place' ... which in his eyes was at home, with the children.
Which is why he is now my ex.

He doesn’t go out with friends although I do encourage him to have a social life and to do stuff outside of the house. He’s just happy staying at home playing video games most of the time.

Why have you got your parents yapping in both of your ears about it? Tell them to take DC for the night if it’s so horrible on DH.

Separately, why can’t you and DH just sit down and discuss it like adults? Why are you booking shows for a weeks time and just springing it on him? Would he like to come with you for once? Are things equal at home? Just hash it out.

So because he has no friends and doesn’t want to socialise, she shouldn’t either to make it ‘fair’?

Tell your parents to STFU, in the nicest possible way, you deserve a break. You are more than a wife and mum. You are a person in your own right. If you H doesn't want to go out that's on him. I think it's good for you to get out. It gives you your own space, a break and you probably go home happier for it.

Twice a year isn’t regular 🤣

It's not asking for permission. It's saying "is that OK if I leave the kids with you on that day, do you have anything planned yourself." Basically just communicating normally with your husband. Which il sure OP has done but her post seems to be "hey I've got that booked in a week's time, watch the kids". It's not the same

I have at least 2 weekends a year away with my oldest friend. Not a problem for my DH or hers. I had a week away with work this year as well which also wasn't any issue. At no point has DH suggested he's a mug nor have any of our parents.

He doesn't often go for weekends but he does get a day a weekend for 5 months of the year playing cricket which can be all day and into the evening. Occasionally I do check I'm not taking the piss with 2 weekends a year just to be sure but he considers his long hours playing cricket to be more than his fair share of free time.

He's getting a weekend away in November this year.

Neither of us begrudge supporting the other to enjoy some of our time apart as well as together and OP your H isn't being reasonable in this.

He has no interest in doing anything outside of the house.

Poor pet had to look after his own kids

It's perfectly reasonable to have nights where you're out with friends while he looks after the kids. The fact that it isn't currently even, isn't your fault! If he's complaining you could offer to hire a babysitter instead? But I expect he won't like that as he'll feel awkward if they are both around the house...

I don't think it's terribly healthy to have no social life outside of your immediate family. Does your husband suffer from social anxiety? Or can he just not be bothered to contact friends / organise anything?