DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

If your parents and husband have such a problem with it, then here's the solution- your parents can look after the kids, you can go away with friends and your husband chills at home on his own. Then everyone is happy!

Yeah, a lot of us will disagree. What kind of relationship needs people to be together and do everything with each other 24/7. Nothing worse arranging a pals night out and someone says ‘is it plus 1’… no it’s not, it’s pals only, why would they want to come, can’t you spend time with your pals alone.

I have my own hobbies. My husband has his. He has every right to ‘galivant’ as much as me but chooses not to. He doesn’t moan about it because i’d shut that right down.
no way am I spending every hour in the house by his side. I like having my own friends and doing things that don’t include him and the kids.

we’ve both always been quite independent and our relationship works. I didn’t enter a relationship and have kids to lose my sense of self. I’m still me.

I had a similar convo with my husband last week - I probably go out maybe one night a week or every other week, he goes out rarely because his friends have largely moved away and he’s made no effort to cultivate parent friends locally like I have. I don’t feel it’s my fault this has happened, he’s just an home body annd a bit socially awkward and unless we go out together he rarely does.

I then looked around me and realised most of my mum friends have similar partners. Women are just more motivated socially and men seem to get lazier as they get older (we’re early 50s) and perhaps we don’t want to drink so much anymore, so while I might meet a friend for the theatre or a coffee/lunch/walk they wouldn’t do that.

ignore your parents OP, you need to look after your mental health. You’re being normal.

So who is ‘on call’ for the kids while he’s gaming? My husband also games and he usually says ‘do you mind if I game tonight?’ Meaning ‘do you mind if you do bedtime and listen out for them?’. So while you might be out the house, if he likes to game as his hobby, surely it’s not as uneven as he’s making it out to be… or if it’s not can the compromise be that he gets uninterrupted gaming nights if that’s what he wants to do with his time?

It sounds like you're acting like a single woman with the amount of times you're out and about! You have children now and that's what your folks are telling you. No harm in going out occasionally, maybe on a special occasion, but not so often. Your husband is getting fed up and I'm not surprised. You're taking advantage of his generosity. The days of you being single like your friends are gone. You need to concentrate on veing a wife and mother now.

Gallivanting is my absolute favourite thing to do.

Funny isn’t it that only women are frowned on for gallivanting.

What a load of rubbish!! Having children doesn't mean you only go out on special occasions.

You'd be horrified at my life!

I'm more horrified at your poor husband and kids lives. Seems like it's all about 'poor me' and" it's always everyone else's fault. Grow up.

The OP says she has has overnight trips with her friends once or twice a year - good on her.

I’m horrified at your lack of reading comprehension @Callsluvsbunnies .

My mum was like this. Horrified to hear I was going away with friends for a weekend and “leaving the children”🤣

”who will have them?” …. Ummm their dad!

When my dad died in his 60s, my mum was very lonely. She hadn’t nurtured her friendships, put everything into marriage and children. It’s really not healthy.

Imagine it, having children and still having friendships and a social life! The idea!🙄

Your snappy reply would indicate that you know I'm right and you don't like the truth.

Screw that nonsense. Go out even more. He can have the same time for things he enjoys but don’t you dare stop doing things that make you happy and keep you sane.

Go back to the 50s

Women should hold on tightly to their identity,

It’s not like you are going out every week! How old are your parents? Are they of a generation where the dad wouldn’t ever be left with the kids of a night?

Every few months isn’t regular

For clarity here, I’m a man. When our kids were young we used to go out separately maybe twice a month, her probably a bit more than me due to various reasons, but as long as it is fair there shouldn’t be an issue! I hated it when people said they were, or their husbands were, ‘babysitting’ their own kids.
She had to go away once for a little while, and I had women we both know offering to cook me meals etc and bring round for us, as for them it was probably too much as I had to look after the kids, I didn’t discourage that though 🤣

Nobody thinks you are right. Your opinions belong back in the 1950s.

Are men allowed to go out with their friends or is it only women who need to stay at home?

Your snappy reply would indicate that you know I'm right and you don't like the truth.

Hahahaha

No, you aren't right.

Are you actually for real??? I can't believe that dinosaurs still exist!!

I'm horrified that someone actually thinks like this - unless you are taking the piss, because I can't believe that anyone really does!!

I would absolutely hate to live a life where going out once every few months was considered a lot. Where's the joy?

I'm amused by your lack of common sense.🤣

So it’s ’common sense’ that a woman’s place should be at home looking after her husband and children, not staying out overnight with friends twice a year, is it?