DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

You should go out the exact same number of hours as he spends gaming.

@IneffableCat that's not really the same as a night away like you're having, though.

I wonder if he'd feel better if you could take the kids for an evening or a day and let him have some time completely to himself?

This is a key question for me. I’d have a massive go at both of them and tell them to mind their own business passing judgement like that.

I’m always baffled by this advice because as everyone knows, dads can just walk away and never have a single overnight if they don’t want to, and no court will ever force them to. So actually the only person who would lose their free time if they were to split is OP.

DH has actually advised that it’s best that I don’t mention my plans to my parents. That they will only give me “hell” I have a big mouth lol.

It seems only fair that you both get an equal number of nights "child free" - when he games does he get left in peace on his nights?

Its hard to say what is equitable here. I mean, if DH is gaming, presumably, even if he's not doing bedtime or whatever, he is in the environment, and probably a pause game, needing to help away from having his evening disrupted and not 'his own'. If he is gaming 7 nights a week while OP does meals, bed etc. then OP deserves all the time away in the world. But if DH is doing a fair chunk and just does a bit of gaming when the kids are in bed rather than watching tv or such like, he isn't really having 'time away'.

But at a high level, I don't think DH is a mug unless he isn't allowed similar nights completely away and out of the home. If he has a chance and turns it down, its not on OP.

He sounds like an idiot. I go out once a month (maybe - sometimes not) and he goes out every tues for football and a drink in the pub after. In a year i probably have one week away with friends, and he travels for work - i dont call that a holiday mind you, but its child-free time. It's healthy to have some sort of life outside of marriage! Your husband sounds controlling and is probably also affected by his parents yapping in his ear.

And you keep going out, dressing up, and taking those breaks! That’s important! You have nothing to apologise for here. I do think you need to tell your parents to keep their opinions to themselves, frankly. Just say, if you are going to give these off hand remarks, then we’ll end the discussion, and if you keep it up, I’m walking out of the room.

My husband encourages me when I go to London to have an extra night away for enjoyment so I’m not rushing around, etc. He likes to hear about the show I saw, or exhibition. I listen to him talk about his walking holidays. We want each other to be happy!

Maybe frame it in those terms…I need to do these social things for my personal happiness and well-being. I’m happy to let you game because you like doing that. We do these things for each other because we love each other. When we are loving towards each other and happier, we can work together better on raising our family. Maybe spelling it out in this way would help…it seems obvious to me, but maybe he needs reminding?

What do you mean by this? I meant I assumed OP’s Dad never looked after his children by himself because her parents are so against her going out and seem amazed that a man is expected to look after his own children by himself. I’m not being goady, I genuinely don’t understand what you mean!

You stay away twice a year, and you have maybe 6 meals/theatre a year out with friends?

He needs ti get himself a life and stop complaining about yours.

What rubbish, there's nothing poor about your DH I'm sure.
Tell him that he can also do what he wants and you'll have the kids.
It's nice to be able to have a break. I go on weekend breaks once a quarter and I love it.

Your parents and your Dh are as bad as each other. which isn't actually surprising - it's not unusual for us to be drawn to poeple who will replicate patterns from our childhood. eg in the case of SIL and exBIL, one of the ways he was able to manipulate her was by playing into PIL's combination of old fashioned views and a perception that she is "flighty". So when she was doing things that most of us would consider totally normal, he'd pull his little victim act and her parents would agree with him.

Just a guess - but do you do the bulk of the chidcare, cooking, cleaning, shopping, mental load etc? I bet you do. So of course he resents you going away - he then has to actually step up. I'm also sort of surprised he hasn't accused you of cheating/flirting etc. That's normally key to this type of controlling behaviour.

for DH and me, when one of us is out for the evening or overnight, it doesn't make that much difference because the load is largely shared anyway.

It's up to you what you do with your 'free time', same as it is for him. Unless you have more 'free time' than him (I doubt it) then there's nothing more to say.

Oh, apart from telling your parents to keep their prehistoric views to themselves. They're really not helping.

We are a bit like this.

DH doesn't really tend to go out/away with friends that often, though he's very welcome to and I would be happy for him to. He does go on stag dos, weekends abroad etc. for stags, and occasional weekends with friends, but not as often as I do.

I go to gigs with friends probably once every few months, plus out for dinner or coffee with friends more regularly, and 'away' for four nights a couple times per year. All to see bands or see friends. Always check it fits with our plans and DH is always fine with it.

I'd be a bit annoyed tbh if he'd said 'yes that's fine', waited for me to book it and then had an issue with it.

Obviously you're not BU and not being a mug, it's whatever works for you as a family. If DH did this I'd wonder if there was some resentment there he wasn't sharing and would encourage him to tell me how he really felt about these plans.

Don't let people dull your shine. None of us know how long we're on this planet and friends and family are both an important part of that. If you're also doing fun stuff with your kids and husband crack on with fun trips and nights with your mates if you can afford it and enjoy it. Sounds like maybe he's jealous. It's not your fault he doesn't want to do stuff with his mates.

Life is so short, time with our loved ones is so precious, I would never swap my precious time with my dh and dc for a show or catching up with friends. There is a time to scatter and a time to gather - I enjoyed tremendously shows, concerts, exhibitions when I was single, now I either enjoy them with my family or I don't go - I view every attempt of my child-free friends to invite me out as an attempt on my previous time with my family. I work, husband works, dc at school, we don't get anywhere near enough time together - and now dc are at uni, doing their own thing. I would have regretted deeply if I traded half an hour with my family, dc playing snakes and ladders, dh watching telly with a cuppa, for the best show/play away from them with my friends.

But that's YOU. To be honest, I can't imagine anything worse than only spending my off time with DH and the DC - I need adult, non child, non family company - but that's me. It's completely fine for you to be happy with your way and for OP to be completely happy with a few nights away every year and a few drinks, dinners or shows every couple of weeks.

That sounds incredibly suffocating @EI12
Does your husband feel the same? What about your children? Are they encouraged to have friends?

I can't quite tell if this is a serious post or not?!

As much as I love DH and kids to bits, I do actually also consider my close friends as 'loved ones', so also value the time I spend with them.

How sad that your mum feels it is ok to poke her nose into your relationship and cause problems. As the MN phrase goes, you have a parent problem. What a crass woman she sounds

So when he's gaming, is he in the same room as you? Do you look after the children while he's gaming? Is it that he thinks you should be home with the children so he can game?

Wow, so now you’ve got a family you’ve completely ditched your friends with no children? 😳
I adore time with my family. I have lots of it. I also adore spending time with my friends, who have been in my life a very long time and are very precious to me.

In fact, not just ditched your child free friends, but all your friends?