DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

See that's a problem and probably the root cause of yours. You should both have healthy friendships and activities outside the house. Plan something together and let the grandparents watch the kids to reconnect a bit?

I agree. It’s healthy to maintain a social life and friendships outside of marriage.

He is imo envious you have a real life. He has gaming for a hobby..... Not real life...

I swear people just don’t read OPs anymore. She said he has no interest in socialising with friends outside of the house, but that they do things together out of the house (cinema, meals etc).

It's misogyny, plain and simple. This idea that men shouldn't be expected to cover their own household if the woman is out doing something else - anything else, doesn't matter what it is. I've heard the same comments about men 'babysitting' whether the woman has been out on a hen, doing a hobby, at work, caring for parents, going to medical appointments...

Interestingly I'm just back from a weekend away where my friend (primary school age kids) received something like a dozen texts from her own friends/parents of DC's friends offering to do things like party drop-offs 'To help your DH out.'

I beg of women, don't do this! Why should he need 'helped out' with a perfectly normal weekend routine that she would normally manage on her own???

Anyway. Your husband isn't a mug and I would develop a robust response to your mum, rinse and repeat, to get her stop putting ideas of holy martyrdom into his lazy arsed head.

For added context - one of our children is disabled and in his carer. I adore him however life can be challenging and exhausting. Having stuff to look forward to and seeing friends now and then does make a difference and gives me a break.

Does he get an equal number of child free nights and overnights?

YANBU. I don’t know why your parents are getting involved and making these comments. I take it your Dad never looked after his children by himself?

It sounds a lot to me, but others may well disagree. If my DH was heading away for overnights either friends a couple of times a year just for fun and with no specific purpose, I'd feel a bit left out and forgotten about to be honest. Why aren't you doing these things with him? My DH has been on the odd stag do weekend (most of his friends are married already so there hasn't been that many) and he travels occasionally with work, but apart from that I can't think that he's been away overnight any other times in the 10 years we've been married.

I've had an overnight spa weekend with friends to celebrate our big birthdays, travelled to a different part of the UK to visit a close friend for a weekend when she was going through a difficult time, and been on a hen weekend, but I can't recall any other times I've been away overnight without DH and/or kids, and it would be the same for my other married friends who have families.

Jesus. What miserable lives people must lead if staying ONE night in a hotel once or twice a year to enjoy yourself with friends is too much.,

The problem is that you grew up with misogynistic parents, and as a result found a misogynist to marry.

Yanbu.

How many times can one poster say that he has no interest in doing anything outside of the house? So I guess she could force him to go away overnight against his will, but I’m not sure that would resolve the problem.

2 nights a year sounds like A LOT?!

Sure you need a break. Caring for a disabled child is really tough, and going away a couple weekends a year is reasonable, so you can recharge. You also need to see your friends…being socially isolated is no good.

Heck, I went away to the States for two months for a fellowship, and for another fellowship for 4 months the next year, and DH managed. No children at home, but it was OK. He goes away for walking holidays with his friends for a couple weeks, and that’s fine too. We also do a lot of things together.

“Out gallivanting” is such a shitty phrase.

I would come down like a tonne of bricks on it. It would make me very angry!

I think you need to push back hard on both your husband and your parents here.
Him because it sounds like he is happy for you to have a good time- but parenting his own children gives him ballache. Your parents for being shitstirrers.

I don’t think it’s envy as he’s genuinely a homebody and loves being left alone to game (which is fine, I’ve no issues with his love of gaming) It just looks “bad” that I’m always the one doing stuff and it does look like he’s being left with the kids a lot.

Does he pull his weight in general, with childcare and housework etc.

If yes, can you make a deal that feels fairer to him? It would obviously be simpler if he wanted to go out too. But even if he wants to stay in, perhaps he could get a day off of childcare to play computer games from time to time, in return for your days out?

Which is a valid choice for him, but he shouldn't begrudge you wanting to go out. It'd be different if you went out a lot and he wanted to but you made it hard for him; but that's not the case. Do you know what he's actually bothered about- is it having to look after his own children (the horror) or that you're out with friends?

"God, no. Do not ask for permission! Tell with plenty of notice, that’s it"

This seems a weird take in a partnership. You should always be asking each other first rather than announcing!!

DH and I both do plenty of events on our own with friends but always ask not tell the other person first. It's basic courtesy seeing as it means leaving the other with 3 kids and we want to check there aren't already plans!

How often are you out overall? I think both parents should ge their own life but for so many to feel justified commenting I wonder if there isn't much family time going on

DP have extremely dated views where once a woman is married with children her place is in the home next to her husband. They don’t see many other people and disagree when I say that all my friends with children still go out and have a social life.

@Mrsttcno1

I'm not sure it has to be equal. I'm more sociable than my DH. If he chooses to stay at home, that's up to him. But, the difference is that we're both OK with me going out more than he does

I go out with friends regularly. Probably a couple of times a year for a whole weekend. Probably monthly or more frequently for an afternoon or evening or whatever. I go to the gym and the shops etc on my own.

It’s totally normal to have time away (if you want it and your family can manage!)

But DH has the same. He goes out to the pub or the gym, goes to the football, goes to visit his friends and stays over, goes on stag dos etc. It feels roughly equal. We discuss it with each other. Put it on the calendar in advance and make sure the other has nothing on at that time.

Your parents need to wind it in. You’re not out every single weekend! Mine would probably be the opposite and encourage me to go, but then DH is great and they don’t see the children as fully my responsibility.

Sounds like a difference between you.. I'm guessing if he had similar invitations you'd facilitate him ? You hsve to make sure hes not left with the kids an unreasonable amount but i don't think you should change your social life because his is different.

A couple of times a YEAR? Did a PP say that was a LOT? 😂 Dear me.

You are so not being unreasonable. DH is always encouraging me to do stuff with my friends and agree to holidays with pals and stuff. And I'm happy for him to do the same.

Just another man who can't look after his own kids I guess. Seem to be endless amounts of them, sadly.

This!
How is being expected to look after your own children "being treated like a mug"?

Did your dad go out when you were younger - ask your mum if she felt She was being treated like a mug? Usually on mn it's the woman sat at home every evening or weekend while the man cycles or plays golf and strangely people dont seem to find that an issue.

It would be unfair if he also wanted to go out but didn't get the opportunity but sounds like he doesn't so if he's going to he at home anyway it's hardly an imposition for him to look after the kids while he's there. It would be absolutely ridiculous for you to waste your life sitting around watching tv every evening just because he doesn't want to go out without you.

I'd take your mums advice, find some friends with kids....and then go out with them as well as your childfree friends so you're out even more. Because - gasp- women with kids also socialise outside the home!

You’d feel left out and forgotten if your DH spent the night away from you twice a year?! Two out of the 365 nights available?