DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

Are you insane?

Have you now found you have no friends left, once your children left home?

Don't you think you've become boring, living a Stepford life?

I can sort of see his point of view. It would piss me off if my in laws kept telling me I was a mug for allowing DH to do something. If even I logically knew their comments were outdated or wrong, I'd feel almost attacked and belittled by it. Can you not mention your plans to go out to your parents if you know they're going to make these sorts of comments? They're totally in the wrong for passing judgment of course.

If my in laws kept saying something like this to me, I’d ask them not to. I’d tell them that how we conduct our family life is our own business.

I’m starting to think there are some surrendered wives 🤮 on this thread 😂.

This has to be satire

This thread is wild to me.

I go out with my friends at least once a month, overnight multiple times a year, abroad at least once a year. My husband being a competent adult human being is more than capable of parenting his child for these outings. He's less of a social creature so doesn't feel the need to do the same, but absolutely could if he wanted to.

I absolutely cannot fathom having no social life outside of my husband and children. What an absolutely miserable existence. Viewing an invitation from friends as an "attempt on your time with your family"?? I'm sorry but that is some fucking deeply neurotic, codependent batshittery.

Go out OP. Enjoy your friendships. Your husband is being a weiner. Honestly. No one expects this ridiculous level of familial devotion and sacrifice from men, it's a joke.

Hope so, otherwise I'm sure her kids left home asap!

Wow, you could be describing my life for the past 20 years with my ex. He had no friends and said family was enough for him (ie. me) and the battles I had with him whenever I wanted to do something with my friends was exhausting. I had to put up with sarky comments and the silent treatment, I never left the house (on average once every 2 months) and heard 'have a great time' but all I will say is please don't stop dong these things you enjoy and just ignore all the negative comments. You are not being unreasonable. He enjoys staying in and gaming, you enjoy being with friends. If you give in and stop being in contact with your mates, you will be miserable, resentful and ultimately alone. Believe me, in future when kids get older, move away etc. and you realise you have nothing in common with your DH, you will need your friends.

I think it's important to have time for yourself, time with your friends, time as a couple and time as a family. Not necessarily in that order but all of these are important.

I regularly go out with friends to concerts, shows, holiday because my DH has no interest in any of these things. Why should I miss out? I always ask if he wants to go before asking my friends but the answer remains the same.

DH often goes hill walking, camping and he always invites me and my answer mostly remains the same

It's not your fault your DH doesn't have an interest or hobby but that doesn't mean you should be tied to the house 24/7 and have no life.

A weeks notice to leave the house for a few hours isn’t much notice? Really?!?! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. By the sounds of it he’s happy (or he was till OP parents commented) sat at home anyway so what difference does 1 or 2 weeks notice make?

Are you high? 😂

Your parents and DH are pathetic

I go out all the time with my friends and also stay overnight with friends or in hotels with friends from further afield

It's completely normal to do this

I'm in my 50's

They are his children. He is not a babysitter. He should expect to have sole responsibility for the kids sometimes. That is part of being a parent and it's not just the job of mums.

It sounds like he's sore about this because he doesn't attempt to have a social life but that is not your responsibility.

@EI12 good luck trying to scrape together some semblance of a life in the next few years, while your kids are off enjoying those.
Any friend of mine who thought it was okay to dump me for 18-21 years wouldn't be getting a call back when they did try and get in touch.

How old are your kids. I feel a bit sorry for you, you should be able to go and socialise without all this tension on you. Your husband may feel he "by default" has the kids more because he doesn't go out. But that doesn't sound true as you say you generally look after the kids, cook and clean.

OP is being perfectly reasonable with the frequency of her nights out/trips away.

OP DH is being perfectly reasonable with not wanting to go out.

As long as OP DH gets undisturbed evenings/days at home that's equivalent to the time OP has away. And as long as OP DH has personal spending equivalent to the cost of OP trips then all is fair and DH should stop complaining.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I can't see any issue with this. I probably go out once every 4/8 weeks for a few hours with friends - meal etc, maybe some drinks. Maybe once a year over night.

DH goes out less as most of his friends live a few hours away so when he goes he tends to go less often but for 1/2 nights instead.

Neither of us have an issue with this DC are both under 5. Both of us need a break and to socialise x

Looking after his kids on his own two or three times a year does not make your husband a mug. I assume he's free to arrange something similar without you?

I strongly suspect that the time he spends disengaged from family life whilst glued to games heavily outweighs any time you have out of the house, anyway.

But what if he chooses not to go out with his own friends/do his own thing?

I feel sorry for the friends you ditched. Where would you have been if your marriage had broken down? You'd have had no one.
Friends are highly important too.
My daughter is my world and i love my husband and having family time, we do loads together.
I also love going to the pub quiz with friends for a couple of hours (daughter in bed) or for a coffee/shopping trip/movie with a friend. My husband LOVES his daddy daughter time when i do this.
He loves going out cycling for 3-4 hours at a time, a lot of time that's at a weekend due to work/daylight hours. We then have girly time, will do nails, play, maybe go out for a drink and cake, 1 on 1 time.

How much parenting/household stuff does he do when you are around?

This.

I think you just need to remind him that his peaceful gaming time is the same as your going out time - one parent is doing what they want to do, on their own, while the other one sorts the kids and keeps the household going. He’s not in any way the mug, when you look at the balance of time you each spend doing your chosen activity.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable, but your DPs and DH are (and I suspect the latter is being provoked by the former). When I first read your post I thought it was your in-laws making these comments - I'd be having some serious words with my OWN parents passing judgement like this! How dare they insert themselves into your marriage?
I think it's very unhealthy and unfair for your DH to invest his entire social life in you (and DC) and even more so for that to be mostly at home - that's not a social life at all - particularly if that "social life" really means you taking care of the children while he's gaming!
Honestly, keep doing what you're doing - there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.