DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

As long as he has the same opportunity (whether he takes it or not is up to him) and family budget can accommodate it, I don't see the problem. Every other weekend probably a bit much but it sounds like you only go out a few times a year! I am away overnight at least a couple of times a year with friends, DH not so much but he is out regularly more locally, things like going to the theatre/dinner with a friend isn't even on the radar! As long as we make sure there's no clash so one of us is available for ds it's not a problem.
I can't believe there are posters saying they would feel left out if their husbands went in an overnight stay twice a year!! We see each other plenty as a couple, do things as a family and just the two of us, were are both allowed our own lives outside of the relationship.

Do you think it is genuinely a problem for your DH or do you think he's responding as a reaction to your Mum's comments?

Thank you!

This year I had one overnight in August 2024

2023 - I went overnight in October

Not exactly excessive!

Never cease to amaze me that if a woman/mother has a social life it's seen as a luxury, that you're out gallivanting, yet if a man does this it's a complete 'non event' and just something that happens and is acceptance. Makes my blood boil tbh.

Op it's important for you and your mental health, to have time to yourself, to feel like a person once in a while, not just a mum or carer, especially if you have a child with additional needs.

Sounds like your parents have created this issue and I'd be having a conversation with them about keeping these types of outdated opinions to themselves.

I'd also sit down and have a chat with your dh about his feelings. Does he really feel this way or have your parents made him feel like this. Just because he doesn't feel the need to socialise, doesn't mean you have to follow him.

If you got divorced the starting point would be for him to have the kids, on his own, 50/50 so an evening every few months isn't much to ask....I'd start going out more to get him used to the possibility if he's such a twat in other ways as well....

He prefers me being home with him but I don’t think the comments from my folks are helping. It’s creating resentment in him.

Why are your parents trying to stir up trouble in your marriage?

Why only childless friends? Are they someone more inappropriate?

@sunsetsandboardwalks

HE DOESN'T WANT THEM !

@IneffableCat

Tell your parents to go back to 2960, it's missing them.

Ask your DH why he feels 'like a mug' looking after his own children?

Keep doing what you're doing. Maintaining friendships is important, as is taking time out for yourself! No doubt you love your DS, but you need to be YOU. not just Mum/Carer.

I agree with putting the dates on a calendar, when you've booked something. But he has a week for the 'short notice ' one. How much time does he need to prepare??? 🙄🙄🙄

Do you work? If not can you arrange a way of getting back into the workforce around DS needs? I'd want some independence from grizzle pants because there may come a stage when you can't live with his eyore ways any longer.

But if he doesn't want it, then that means she can't take it?

It's not twice a year though is it ....

1. A couple of times per year I stay in a hotel

1. Every few months I see friends for theatre shows cinema meals out

1. A few weeks ago I had a night in London

1. I've got a show booked for a weeks time

It’s always been a sore point between us. Because he’s quite happy staying home all the time and all his socialising is done with me and the kids it’ll never be equal unfortunately. I’d gladly stay with the children for DH to have a weekend away or nights out but he’s just not interested. It’s difficult.

Do it more often, not less!!

Sorry but this is bonkers. You'd feel left out over a couple of nights a year? You think three or four nights out of 365 is a lot?

Why shouldn't someone do stuff with their friends? DH and I spend plenty of time together, same with the kids, and I'm sure OP and her husband and kids go on holiday and do stuff together too, but we aren't all joined at the hip and we enjoy doing stuff without each other too. It doesn't sound like a healthy situation you've got going on at all honestly 🤷‍♀️

Anyway I'm probably out a couple of times a month at least for a meal out with friends or an afternoon out or something where my husband does dinner, bedtime etc. He's more of a homebody so doesn't do the same but that's his choice. He has been to a couple of weddings where he's been away all weekend and that was fine too. At some point my best friend and I are planning a week away together too. No reason, just because we want to!

He’s being treated like a mug because he occasionally has to look after his own children? I think you should really deep dive into how sexist and stupid that is with him. Find your anger. As this is ridiculous.

Is be treating you like a mug when he’s gaming and you’re looking after the kids? Or is that fine? And I suspect he games considerably more often than you go out?

And you don’t need to justify yourself to your parents. Their views are not yours. You can say ‘I disagree’ or ‘that’s sexist’ and move on. You can refuse to engage. They can think what they like.

The overnights are twice a year (max).

Tell them you agree and you and dh are going to follow their advice and have a more traditional marriage now - so can they hand over your dowry payment to him ASAP? The 21st century equivalent of several sheep and a horse will probably be enough to pay for a babysitter for a few nights out, if not a nice holiday for the whole family. And just for them to be aware that you won't be doing any care for them when they get older...nope it's off to the workhouse for them, if living a 19th century life is so important....

Well it’s regular, but not frequent.

I can’t understand why your parents have commented in the way they have. They’ve suggested this narrative to him. Mind you, he should have the confidence to say that it’s fine, that the children are his too, that you go out together too, and that he could go out more on his own if he wanted to.

The funny thing is, whenever a woman posts moaning that her husband goes out on a big night out every week she gets told to suck it up and one night a week isn’t unreasonable 🙄.
I also have 3 children, 1 disabled. I go out for an evening with friends every week, because I need a break for my sanity. DH does the same, but if he didn’t want to he still wouldn’t begrudge me seeing my friends. We still have 5 evenings a week together.

Why isn't she doing them with him? Because he's not her group of close friends she wants to see occasionally! Why aren't the kids invited and him left to peace and quiet alone? Because she's allowed to turn off Mom duty occasionally. You must have a very fragile sense of self if your DH doing something without you makes you feel like he's forgotten you.

I'm away for a weekend in October. DH has the three kids. He can't come instead because I didn't go to school with him and it's a school friends catch up. Ditto the uni friends catch up earlier in the year.
I'm away four weekends a year with volunteering. DH can't come because he doesn't volunteer there.
He has ad is free to book weekends with his mates and I can't go because I'm not the mate he's had since his teens who he doesn't see enough of!
The kids can't come to any of it because they're not wanted, frankly.

His workmates, friends and family will think what he is saying, u r having too much me time.

For context it would be useful to know how often you go for meals out/cinema/overnights etc with DH? Is it the same frequency or more?

The sleepovers are twice a year. The shows are single nights so so what if that's half a dozen a year. She's hardly out every Fri / Sat night.

Oh come on, it's hardly a wild social life though is it?

I probably go out once a week at least, plus my choir once a week. But sometimes it's two or three times a week.

Overnights/weekends away at least one every six weeks on average (more in the summer, less in winter but that's the average).

And the odd work thing.

I like going out. My DH likes it less than me (though more than OP's husband). I do make an effort to go out with him every couple of weeks but he doesn't often go out with other people, that's his choice.

You absolutely deserve and need time to be yourself.
When you're both at home, do you both do the childcare? If so, you could offer DH some 'nights off' where he's free to do gaming or whatever he prefers - if that's what most nights already look like for him, he's very unreasonable!
How do you split household tasks aside from childcare? Do you both work?
Is it an option for your friends to do something that involves your DC occasionally, if you don't already?