DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

Not necessarily. People are capable or rational, independent thought

Why? And also, why would anyone care what randoms people who aren’t part of the marriage think?

Sounds almost identical to our set up that's worked for us for years.
I've always asked if he's ok with me booking something, or arranging something. He's always said "why wouldn't I be" or "why would I mind". He says it's important I see my friends, and I appreciate him so much for that.

Just because he doesn’t want to go anywhere doesn’t mean he can’t have a “night off” though? Free time doesn’t have to be going out somewhere, it could just as easily be a night undisturbed bath/tv time (my baby is 5 months old and I cannot be arsed to go out out but I love an uninterrupted evening while my husband looks after her), it may be easier to think of it as equal “leisure/free” time rather than literally time leaving the house. As long as everybody has the same downtime, or if it’s imbalanced both need to be happy with the set up.

@Skybluepinky

Who cares what his dickhead mates think??

Overnights with DH - our only source of childcare is each other so the kids would be with us!

Otherwise we do lots together, regular meals out, cinema when the children are in school, days out and very occasionally a date night if my parents watch the children for a few hours.

I probably do 2 or 3 nights away by myself each year (we have a 2 year old and 4 year old). I also probably have an evening/night out every month. I thought that was quite normal/average? My DH doesn't really do nights away but I sometimes take the kids away so he ends up with a night to himself at home. Why would he big a mug for looking after his own kids?

Hi OP. I really don't think you are doing much wrong here. If you did what you do but made it difficult for DH to do something similar, yes you would be taking advantage of him and treating him like a mug. But he doesn't want to do anything, that's not on you.

Maybe sit down and have a discussion and talk about how important your activities are to you and that you are keen to find, and facilitate something more or less equal that he enjoys. I don't think its fair to expect you to miss out because he doesn't want to do anything.

It's not the OP's fault that her DH has no friends and doesn't go out

As he spends most of his free time playing video games according to the OP, it sounds like he gets plenty of ‘off time’ at home.

I think he’s being controlling trying to get you to be tied to the home like he is.

it’s a very different situation if you never do anything as a couple or family, or if you denied him equal time to pursue his outside interests or friendships. But that isn’t the case here. He is trying to get you to distance yourself from your friendships, that isn’t right. Especially as you are the main carer to a child with additional needs.

That’s where it appears to be unequal, it’s always me that’s the one going out where he’s got no interest in seeing anyone outside of our family (apart from his Mum)

@SecondFavouriteDinosaur I didn't say anything about him going out 🙄

I asked whether he got an equal number of childfree nights or evenings to do what he wanted.

That could mean staying home while OP takes the kids.

yes, he is child free whenever he is playing his video games 🙄

@IneffableCat

i realise that. It was just a 'stand alone' reply to the other posters comments!

@Just4thisthreadtoday again, I didn't ask about him going away overnight - I asked if he ever got time alone to himself for the night or for the same number of evenings as OP does 🫣

That could mean evenings at home to game while OP is out with the kids, or takes them to her parents for example.

That’s what I tell him - our lives are hard, stressful and difficult. We have been pushed to the brink with the amount of stress that we’ve had as a family. Most of the time I’m mentally and physically exhausted and need a break once in a while. Most of the time I look like a mess so it’s nice to dress up occasionally!

If my DH was heading away for overnights either friends a couple of times a year just for fun and with no specific purpose, I'd feel a bit left out and forgotten about to be honest.

Are you serious??!

@sunsetsandboardwalks

he's a gamer. He'll be getting plenty of time to himself.

This. I have a DH like this who does absolutely nothing apart from work and family stuff. It's his choice. I've tried so many times to get him to try to maintain friendships he had from his younger days, but he's just an antisocial type. I don't understand it, but I'm damned if I'm giving you my friends just because he has none!

I have done that and also leave him be when he’s gaming, I cook the meals and see to the kids/I don’t bother him.

Sounds like he has plenty of childfree evenings gaming 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Although I certainly wouldn’t be taking my kids away for an evening/night just so my husband could be in the house by himself gaming (that’s his only hobbie, the OP says), when he spends all his free time at home gaming anyway.

That’s DH. Just work, family and video games! His choice and that’s what makes him happy but I’ve had to fight to maintain a social life and not be swallowed whole!

I think I'd tell him you would have far more free time if you give up the nights out, get fed up of only having his company, divorce him and split the kids 50/50 or every other weekend.

How many nights a week does he just check out and leave you to it while he's gaming? That's free time as well.

I don't think I would tell your parents any of your plans any more. Just keep having an occasional night out/ away, and keep yourself sane.

This is just your experience, which is fine. It would be completely atypical for my friends and they are from a variety of backgrounds and of different ages. I’d find the approach you describe absolutely suffocating. But you do you!