To go nc with Dsis over private school ?

[Maria1979]

For background: my older Dsis is a teacher (or was because she's working in another field now) and is against private schools. She has worked in ONE private school for three years and is an expert (according to herself) of how things are done in all schools whether private or not. She has got one DD who went in to the local secondary y7. My DS went in to private school y7 (they're the same age). Ever since she has not stopped with her comments on private schools. According to her they give out good grades because the parents are paying for it. The school we chose is not expensive compared to most and they have a waiting list and only take in children who are already "good students" just like grammar school so I told Dsis that maybe that's why the students got good grades. She would not hear about it. She keeps on praising her DD's school even though staff turnover is high and it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc). I don't tell her that, I just nod, smile and say I'm happy you're happy and leave it at that. She's not jealous; DStepM helped us out with the fees and said she would help Dsis too if she wanted it. Every single time we talk she has to put DS's school down. She has the decency to be subtle about it infront of DS but she still has to say something. I asked her to not be so negative about something she knows nothing about. My DS is highly sensitive and quite fragile and he would be a likely target for bullying in Dsis' DD's school. He is very happy about his school and I wish that she could just leave it.

I'm not exaggerating: every single time I see her she just has to make a snide remark. It's like she's mad at me for not making the same choices as she is. It's gotten to a point where I want to go nc with her because she always makes me so upset and I feel so defensive around her just waiting for her "remark of the day". So AIBU to go nc with her until she has accepted to stop putting down DS's school ?

Everytime she talks about the school, tell her you don't want to hear it and it needs to stop or ignore it and don't respond or change the subject.

If you're happy to never see or speak to her or her children again, then go no contact but think about it carefully

Like she says things while looking at me provocatively as waiting for le to say something which I don't.

Yes you do 🤣🤣

Going NC because of a difference of opinion over schooling is way OTT - even if sister is being a knob about it.

It'll settle down in time. Presumably you're talking about current Yr7? In which case they've been in school all of 5 minutes, and this is fresh "front and centre" news. It'll all calm down by Christmas.

Would you consider going for CBT or counselling? This isn't about the school, or your sisters opinion of schools. This is about a communication problem between the two of you, and boundary issues. Counselling would give you some tools to manage the situation differently.

Re "clamping down with moody silence" comment.

It's great she never suggested clamping down with moody silence then isn't it :)

Avoiding a tantrum throwing bully of a sister is a very good idea and absolutely the correct, adult approach since talking to her hasn't worked.

Read the OP. I'm not feeling superior. At the contrary I said my sister is more intelligent than I am. I can see you hate independant schools as much as DS.

She’s jealous. No matter that she had the opportunity, this behaviour is as much about her convincing herself as convincing you.

Can you not honestly just not care? I had a cousin who raved ENDLESSLY about her boyfriend being the sexiest man alive. She worried particularly when they went out running in the park as other women would stare and eye him up. One woman was literally running her eyes up and down his legs would you believe?’ Well I can completely believe it: they were the most blindingly white, scrawny, knock-kneed rooster-like legs you can imagine and I actually had to stop myself gasping in horror when he unveiled them at a family barbecue. Accordingly her raving on didn’t affect me in the slightest. Try to know you don’t agree and let it slide off you. I used to find it hilarious!

Then we would be having a fight and no need to think about nc.

@Maria1979 go nc until they are at uni age. She can then be snidey over universities instead

Seems a bit petty and an over the top reaction. I don't think private schools should be allowed and certainly not opt into different GCSE boards that are (albeit rumoured) to have more lenient grade boundaries however it's up to others how they wish to spend their money. Envy gets us nowhere.

I've read every single one of your comments.

And with every one, has come more superiority and more ridiculous denial that you're just as provocative as your sister.

As if she's saying all this to someone who's mouth never moves 🙄

The two of you are as bad as each other, but you're the one throwing your toys out of the pram, considering going NC but only until you've managed to get your way and silence her.

Not going to happen.

If you don’t want to have a calm, direct conversation with her then grey rock her and then change the subject every single time she brings it up? No need to go NC for this as it will have far-reaching consequences for something that is fairly trivial, although irritating.

We have had a similar situation in reverse when in-laws moved DNiece to private in y2 and our DS was y3. SIL prattled relentlessly everytime we saw her about how amazing the private school is and being she can’t imagine her DD being back in the state sector because it’s so terrible. Pretty much all the relatives were getting sick to death of listening to her, as well as some feeling pretty offended. DH and I decided to grey rock her and she has slowly but steadily toned it right down in the last few months. It wasn’t worth going NC for.

I've said YABU because going non contact seems over the top.

Horses for courses, it sounds like your choice of school suits your son and your sister's choice suits her daughter.

In your shoes I'd just shrug my shoulders over the snide comments.

It's a ridiculous reason for going NC with someone - yes, she has strong opinions on the matter and won't shut up about it, but some people are annoying. She is part of your family and if you stop speaking to people it can be very difficult to re-establish a relationship later on. You just need to cut the conversation off as soon as it starts: 'sorry, I'm not talking about this again, we don't agree and that's fine' as soon as she opens her mouth.

I think id go NC just because she is a teacher.
Honestly it is over the top op.

As for tolerating her bullying bitchy snark - absolutely not. Clearly you are at the end of your tether with it anyway, so that's not an option.

She is having a go at your parenting and bringing it up in front of your child - which, whether subtle or not, is shitty behaviour, and it doesn't sound like she's planning to stop.

So if you can't prevent her from being so unpleasant every time you see her then yep avoiding her tantrums and snark for a while is a good plan, for a bit of peace if nothing else.

Being related to someone doesn't mean being their dogsbody and punching bag. She needs to learn to shut her trap and mind her own affairs. If she refuses to do that, cut down contact till she gets the hint. If she never gets the hint and keeps on bullying, that's on her.

No contact sounds a bit drastic for this. Better to tell her that you're bored stiff with discussing this overworked subject and see if she stops, or indeed goes off in a huff of her own.

Carry headphones and the minute your dsis starts just put them on.
Everytime.

Haha, I feel you. My DS has just entered private y7 so he might not be a teflon yet. But I am happy that the teachers can teach instead of being social workers/police etc. His teacher told me last year that if we could go private, then go for it. She thinks the children are worse and worse every year and that they had lost numerous teaching hours on dealing with bullying, violence and degradation and nutty parents y6 so if you have a calm, polite DC who wants to learn private (it depends ofcourse) is the better option. Otherwise he would have followed the others in his class to the state secondary. I'm talking about ten out of thirty students who behaved really obnoxious but that's enough to want to go simewhere else.

I have an old friend who has “hobby subjects” that she bangs on about to the point that people can’t stand to talk to her.

Not private school (yet). It’s mainly about politics and there will be an issue du jour which she will talk about at the slightest hint for hours if allowed to do so. This usually lasts 6-12 months until the next burning topic comes up. And while the topic is in vogue you can’t talk about anything else.

It isn’t that I necessarily disagree with her on all these things I just find it tedious and heavy handed being expected to devote so much time to this and to the exclusion of other things.

I have started being very direct with her and I now say “you have five minutes on the trans lobby/the Labour Party/feminism/pharmaceuticals for mental health, and then we are going to change the subject. I am not going down that rabbit hole with you today.”

It works. She knows I love her but she has also learned that it’s unreasonable to be expected to dominate the conversation like this.

I think k if you were state and your sis private this thread would have gone differently

She is continually putting you and your choices down; she is deliberately baiting you

Had she done this in the past with different topics ? Is schools just the latest in a long line of digs at you?

The way you’re posting on this thread leads me to wonder if you’re both as bad as each other. You sound like 5 year olds fighting over which Barbie doll is better. It’s pathetic. Your children will be picking up on it.

Every time she mentions it say " you are boring me yet again" or Are you still rattling on about this, it's getting to very tedious" She will soon flounce.

No shit Jacqueline?🙃

Indeed. Certain types get super triggered about private schools on this site. The sister could have slapped her and some would still try to find a way to defend the indefensible.