To go nc with Dsis over private school ?

[Maria1979]

For background: my older Dsis is a teacher (or was because she's working in another field now) and is against private schools. She has worked in ONE private school for three years and is an expert (according to herself) of how things are done in all schools whether private or not. She has got one DD who went in to the local secondary y7. My DS went in to private school y7 (they're the same age). Ever since she has not stopped with her comments on private schools. According to her they give out good grades because the parents are paying for it. The school we chose is not expensive compared to most and they have a waiting list and only take in children who are already "good students" just like grammar school so I told Dsis that maybe that's why the students got good grades. She would not hear about it. She keeps on praising her DD's school even though staff turnover is high and it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc). I don't tell her that, I just nod, smile and say I'm happy you're happy and leave it at that. She's not jealous; DStepM helped us out with the fees and said she would help Dsis too if she wanted it. Every single time we talk she has to put DS's school down. She has the decency to be subtle about it infront of DS but she still has to say something. I asked her to not be so negative about something she knows nothing about. My DS is highly sensitive and quite fragile and he would be a likely target for bullying in Dsis' DD's school. He is very happy about his school and I wish that she could just leave it.

I'm not exaggerating: every single time I see her she just has to make a snide remark. It's like she's mad at me for not making the same choices as she is. It's gotten to a point where I want to go nc with her because she always makes me so upset and I feel so defensive around her just waiting for her "remark of the day". So AIBU to go nc with her until she has accepted to stop putting down DS's school ?

Ha ha I like PP’s suggestion of saying “Boring” every time she brings up education. You could even do an exaggerated yawn. Every time.

The upside is it may make her explode eventually then you can scrap it out on the floor like you’re little kids again. Could clear the air! 😀

You are making judgements about staff in a school you know nothing of and assuming that being there for a long time in your school, equals dedication and commitment. It might just as well signal ‘can’t be bothered’ and ‘coasting’. Or lack of enthusiasm for change.

OK, so according to ofstead and myself then.

It most likely is a better school hence why they are paying for it.

It depends what your view of "better" is.

I don't consider it "better" that a school selects out pretty much all poor kids, or has small classes (thus limiting social opportunities) or has unqualified teachers, or manages out anyone with SEN or who simply isn't making the grade

Everyone's opinion of what defines a good school is different

I would just like for her to respect my opinions and not "tell me how it is" all the time.

Have you told her this? like TOLD her, not asked.

Why not allow yourself to blow up a bit.

"Sis, Every time I see you, you go out of your way to make me feel bad about the legitimate choices I made for my DS. I say go out of the way and I mean this. I never bring this shit up, and you are relentlessly bringing it up every time I see you. It's beyond boring and makes you look idiotic. This is the last time I will tell you that I do not and will not justify myself or my family to you. You don't have to agree with me on everything, but you don't have a right to bitch at me every time I see you. ENOUGH! If you bring this up again, I will not be bothering to contact you for a VERY long time."

If you have multiple staff leaving during term I think that would be a sign though..

I honestly don't get why it is so hugely triggering. I'm originally from the US and there is a bit of that here too but it's not quite so heavy as you get in the UK, IME.

In our experience the main people who disapproved were DH's friends who were teachers in state schools themselves and felt DH was 'letting the side down.' I do get that on one level - but our children have two parents and my views also counted. It's not that the fact of his job trumps all other considerations.

(This world view also came with other attitudes that didn't work for me - it wasn't the only thing they had strong opinions about.)

Other people didn't disapprove as much as not understand why we wouldn't sell our house and uproot to an area with higher preforming secondaries. Well, because our commutes would then SUCK (among other disruptions) and that doesn't come without its own costs?!

In my experience, people who go on about any subject like this usually are insecure/unhappy with the decisions they've made.

My children go to an independent school. Friends who could not afford the option either don't mention it, and a couple have mentioned they wish they could afford their child to go to an independent school.

The only negative comments we've had are from people who could afford to send their children privately but have chosen not to.

I usually respond along the lines of "We all cut our clothes differently, and it's a free country, so we can spend our money on what we want".

Another friend has a child who is very young in the school year and my child is one of the oldest. Every year, when it's his birthday, she is "shocked" that my child has turned x +1 when her child has only turned x.

It is mildly irritating, but I know her child has struggled academically, and I am sure there is an element of her reassuring herself .

As others have said, don't explain or justify your decisions, but you also don't need to go NC. I probably wouldn't do the whole invite her over and sit her down. I would probably drop a friendly "WhatsApp" and say you and your son found her comments about private schools and his school upsetting (I would give some examples), and you would be grateful if she could refrain from mentioning them around you.

It's difficult to say don't talk about schooling at all because it's a fairly standard conversation for relatives to ask children "how is school etc". If she makes snide marks, I wouldn't want her to then start making a big issue every time anything school-related is mentioned and going, "@Maria1979 is that ok can we ask that?"

“Jane, this is waring thin now. Why is it so important to you that I make the same choices as you?”

She keeps on praising her DD's school

ooh the witch! Even if the school isn’t objectively as “good” is she not allowed to say positive things about where her child is being educated?

Good idea. I just need to make myself a bit more detached and I will try it. Thanks !

This is great. I wonder if you have actually asked her to stop OP?

I think if you’ve said something really direct like this and she has ignored it, fine to go LC or even NC.

If you haven’t directly asked her to stop or told her it’s upsetting you, then you are over-reacting to go NC.

I think there might be two sides to this story. It sounds like you ideally would like her to acknowledge that your school choice is better than hers (rather than live and let live), and it really irks you that 1) she won’t acknowledge it, and 2) that she goes out of her way to make sure you know that she is happy with her choice. You clearly look down on her decision to put her own child in state school, and that is probably why she is reacting defensively with her remarks.

I get why you would be irritated by the condescension, but it is such a petty issue to go NC over, I’d say maybe you just need to have an honest chat with her about how her comments make you feel. Maybe she is subconsciously responding to your attitude around your own school choice and doesn’t even realise she is doing it.

sorry Op but you actually sound very judgemental and condescending about her choices. Insisting that your DS's school is better and children there are more 'well mannered'

You're absolutely entitled to make your own choices and it would annoy me too if she kept harping on about it but I wonder if she's picking up on your own attitude

'Look DSis, every time I come over you make remarks about DS school. I just find it really tedious. Your DD goes to a great school, my DS goes to a great school. I hope they both do really well. Can we leave it there? You bringing up our different choices in schooling, every time we meet, makes me want to cancel our get togethers'

Or something like this

@kiddietaxi Snap!

If you are considering going NC I'd suspect there is a backstory to this. What is your relationship like otherwise?

As she is behaving like a bullying bitch, and you have already told her you don't want to talk about it, and as you stated you are not rubbing it in her face but merely responding to her constant repetitive whining and snarking, you are of course in no way in the wrong if you choose to avoid her for a while.

It's very much the right thing to do is to remove yourself from a person who keeps throwing tantrums, as she is doing.

If you feel like it, you can let her know you are sick of her constantly berating you and when she can learn to shut her trap and mind her own business you can hang out again.

You may want to word it more politely than that, but that's the gist of it.

But you don't have to bother telling her if you don't want to, just let your silence and avoidance speak for itself.

It will be good for you to get a break from her goading and whining and when she learns to shut her trap about matters that aren't her affair, perhaps you can hang out again.

Is anyone else beginning to side with the sister!!

Your opinion is based on your impression via one child. She’s a teacher.

OFSTED- the least said about that the better, and especially when you’re comparing schools with about double the funding per head and (probably) with a very small number of SEN kids and children who don’t speak English as a first language.

Honestly I really do think you need to reconsider your own prejudices and accept that private schools are not necessarily better schools- they might just have fewer pupils, more money and fewer hurdles to overcome. But the standard of teaching might be better in state schools, kids may be better self-starters and have more common sense for example, and may also be more prepared for the world of work and better able to socialise/ empathise with people from all walks of life. You take your choice as a parent but it’s not completely binary.

Ofcourse she can. But it's said in a way to highlight she made the "right choice". It's hard to explain. Like she says things while looking at me provocatively as waiting for le to say something which I don't. And then go on making a comment about the stupidity of independent schools etc etc. Saying they are stressing children out because they need to perform and at a different time she will say parents buy their high grades. I mean it has to be one or the other but I don't even point that out because I'm so sick of it. She's aggressive and defensive for no reason at all and I'm sick of it because it leaves me with a stomach ache.

The school will be better in the way that you describe. If you claim to have moralistic issues with that then that’s a different argument.

I don’t subscribe to such views at all and think that many claim to hold such objections as a defence mechanism as much as anything else.

How many parents consider the state school options when they move house? Do you also have a moralistic issue with that?

You know clamping down with moody silence until you get your own way can be a form of tantrum too.

Just tell her op that you need to agree to drop the issue and accept each other’s choices. Then organise something together where you agree not to talk about it, go and learn to interact on other topics.

It most likely is a better school hence why they are paying for it.

The OP's not paying for it, her Stepmother is.

Which is another reason the OP needs to rein in the superiority.

In case the financial help dries up, and her kid ends up slumming it in her niece's school.

No-one can remove that amount of egg from their face.

Also, completely and totally ignore people moaning about private versus state schools. You have made it clear that you are fine with her going to whatever school she wants and that your school works for you. Nobody here has the tiniest idea of what your school is like and clearly you and your child love it.

And that is absolutely all that matters.

The private school issue is extremely triggering for certain types. If you had raised it as another issue about which your sister was bullying and bitching at you you'd have gotten a much more sympathetic audience.